I’d always assumed that I’d have to call an ambulance at some stage.
I thought it might happen for one of the girls if they had a particularly bad asthma attack. Perhaps for a snake bite? Or more likely if my husband had an argument with a power tool.
I never, not even with my over worrying brain, ever thought I’d have to call an ambulance and utter these words… “I think my husband is having a heart attack.”
A heart attack was not on my list of ‘things I’ll probably call the ambulance for one day’…. except that’s exactly what I said into the phone last Wednesday afternoon.
I arrived home from school pick up to find my fit, healthy, non-drinking, non-smoking, ride a bike up the mountain no problems, 37 year old husband on the floor, ashen faced, gasping for breath and complaining of chest pain.
I waited what felt like an eternity for the ambulance to arrive.
I watched as the ambulance drive down our driveway with my husband in the back, while I threw kids in the car and made a phone call that no mother ever wants to receive.
I waited forever in the ER department and then waited some more and couldn’t decide if that was a good thing or a bad thing.
I took my four children into a very scary resus room to reassure them that their father was going to be ok, despite the fact that I had no idea if I was lying or telling the truth.
Sitting here, looking back it all seems to surreal… yet it is real.
My husband is in hospital with an as yet undiagnosed heart condition that caused his heart to beat way way too fast. It seems he has not had a heart attack as they first thought (which is good), and he is much much better than he was, but they don’t know why his heart is not working correctly. They are doing tests and looking for reasons even more scary than a heart attack.
I refuse to even contemplate life without him, so instead I am busy juggling normal life and hospital visits, talking to much, making jokes at inappropriate moments, playing plants vs zombies and spoiling my children. Anything to distract myself from what could have been, and especially what might be.
So forgive me if I don’t answer your email or if I tweet overly inane and boring things or update my facebook profile with more comments about baby vomit… I’m working on a new normal and hopefully we’ll get there soon.