Won’t they fall behind if they don’t do gymbaroo, or learn to use a computer by three years of age?
Won’t they miss out if they don’t learn a language, or an instrument at age five?
Won’t they miss their chance to be a pro if they don’t start swimming, or gymnastics, or drama, or dancing, at an early age?
Won’t they be disadvantaged if they don’t go to the perfect school that has all the extra options and activities?
If you don’t give your child the very best of every possible option and extra curricula activity available, won’t they miss out and be left behind??
I confess… every now and then I fall victim to this kind of ‘scarcity’ thinking. I was sucked in to the hurrying and the ‘musts’ and ‘shoulds’ and guilt until I finally stepped back for a moment.
My kids can’t do every extra curricula activity ever invented, even if they wanted to. We don’t have enough money, and we don’t have enough time. And bottom line… I just don’t want them to.
As a teacher I don’t believe that children will only be good readers if they are exposed to flash cards and reading activities before school age. As a parent I don’t believe my children will only be good at something if they start training and practising with the very best teachers at an early age.
There is plenty of time to try new things and practice those things that we have a passion for. If my children are going to be awesomely, extra, specially, fabulous at something, I believe they will be that good regardless of whether they started at age two or age twelve or even age forty. I don’t believe we need to push, to rush or to try and cram everything in now… there is time.
There is so much more to growing up than lessons and activities and extra this and more that. There is more to life than being ‘the best’ at something.
So I’m stepping out of the race. I’m leaving the extra classes for someone else. I’m putting a limit on the number of activities we do. I’m judging the worth of activities and commitments by how happy they make my children, not by how good they are, or could be at it.
I’m giving my children the gift of time. Free, unstructured, time to just play. There is always next year, or the year after, to start that class or try that activity, for now lets just enjoy some time.
What do you think?
Am I potentially missing an opportunity for my child to be brilliant at something by not starting early?
How do you balance all the opportunities and activities with time to just be kids?
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{ 45 comments… read them below or add one }
Nope I think you’re spot on. I already feel like I’m running around like an idiot. My kids do dancing that’s their thing. I make them do swimming because I want them to know how to swim, but beside that. That is enough, we are flat out and I can’t even begin to imagine what it will be like next year with school thrown in.
Nope not at all IMO … education or achievement is not relegated to childhood, there is no need to pursue more in childhood than at any time in adulthood. Sure it is important that kids are exposed to an environment that lets them develop their potential but not in a specialised kind of way, but in the way a brain develops when kids are loved and get to explore and are exposed to literacy and numeracy naturally and so on … grow an elastic brain and you are set for life!
When we went to get Miss 4′s tap shoes the store owner made a comment which was a little dismissive of our chosen dance school. It is half the price of all the other schools, and doesn’t do all the exams that other schools might, and is seen, it seems, as a “hobby” school, rather than a proper dance school. That’s okay with me. Miss 4 i having fun and loves her teaches, if she wants to move onto something else later then at least she will have the basics.
3 dance classes (one after the other, 1.5 hours in total) and swimming lessons are all we do, Dadda wants more. He wants an instrument and a team sport, but I always argue no. She’s tired already, and if she wants to change later she can. Don’t add pressure if it’s not being asked for I say, and take not when the signs say it’s too much.
Thank you!
As a first-time (professional teacher) mum (at 34), with a 9 month old son, I sometimes start to think about swimming and music and martial arts and team sports and bilingualism (I’m an Aussie, Dad’s Japanese) and so on and so forth… but that time thinking about those things would be better spent just playing and basking in the “now”. I’ll have to remember to pop back to this post each time I start to feel pressure to “mould” my son’s future. :-)
It’s hard sometimes, not to be lured by all the cool things kids can do and learn these days! I struggle with that and I know my seven year olds also struggle deciding on what they’d like to try, which is partly what inspired this post, because sometimes it’s hard to be the one who has to set the limit :)
I agree – you are giving your kids the best gift: time to be kids.
Overstructuring is awful. I am also getting tired of trying to teach children who never read or learn through proper play because they are out doing activity after activity!
As a working mother, with restricted activities – there is less running around hysterically in the afternoon – which means I am more relaxed, which ulitmately means the kids benfit anyway. My kids do a few activities that they enjoy.
And now that you have got me started, I am also against over scheduling on the weekend running up and down and then dealing with exhausted kids on a Monday. I am not afraid to say “no” to some weekend activities/social arrangements anymore, so that we can just have our “time” at home together as a family.
EVERY kid finds their strength and affinity.
I got tired just reading through all the lists of scheduled in stuff that you should/is good to do :S
I’m more inclined to think doing too much assists in turning people into neurotic messes, but apparently I don’t know anything worth knowing about anything ;)
Thank you!!!!
It is SO true.
I think a lot of the time it is the parents feathering their own egos when their kids is good at something, eg sport, they make that their life so that THEY look like awesome parents.
I don’t have the energy or drive to be one of those parents & hope that my kids will be just fine. :)
You know I agree agree agree, as a teacher I agree, as a parent I agree. I am so making sure we hardly do anything before we enter the education system and we become structured for oh so many years! Go to saying No I say and yes to play for the sake of play! life is to short to miss out on being a kid.
Ahhh, it’s wonderful to read that and yes, I feel the same way. Giving children time is important. That doesn’t mean I don’t question myself that I might be wrong, that my child might fall behind. It’s really quite silly to worry as we do but sometimes we can’t help it. I’m very content fostering activies my children enjoy. I don’t believe pushing a child ever brings out the best in them.
“I don’t believe pushing a child ever brings out the best in them.”
This is so very true!
100% agree. I know my parents just encouraged me to do what made me happy (my mum was devastated when she found out my sister and I didn’t enjoy piano lessons anymore and she took us out of the class immediately) and I think I turned out OK. When I was teaching in Japan I was horrified to see overscheduled three and four-year-olds. Even now with my 15-month-old some people give me a bit of a look because he’s not at Gymbaroo (um … is it possible we could do physical play at home?!) – I think swimming’s enough (but vital because we have a pool). I will be following the same philosophy as you as he gets older.
I totally agree. My kid’s love the free time they have at home. Miss 6 has spent all day at school, which although very good, requires her to follow instructions and work on specific tasks in specific ways. I don’t deny that this is important for her, but she really needs her down time. She hangs out for the weekend because she looks forward to being able to stay home and “do nothing”. Of course her nothing is really her own craft, reading, outdoor play as well as the time to just be! I sometimes think I “should” get her involved in extra curicular activities, but she has never said she want to, and I know she is quite introverted and needs lots of time to herself. Why should I require her to do something or be something she doesn’t want to be?
My girls often ask me “But when will we get time to play???” and that always brings me back down to earth…. it’s just so important!
You are the doing the absolute best for your children. I truly believe too many children’s lives are too structured. As a former teacher, I use to see this all the time. Over-scheduled and exhausted children lacking in any real genuine thought that were desperate for the teacher to tell them the right answer.
Free play encourages creativity, risk-taking, develops social intelligence, self esteem, resilience and so much more. Free play and freedom to just be helps children to know themselves, what truly interests them, what drives them, what they are passionate about.
I think if they have a passion for the activity then sure, sign-up. If not, than save your money.
Thank you, thank you! As a mother to a daughter who *just* turned three (today! yay!) and a 9 month old, I am already feeling pressured to have them enrolled in every class possible! She’s only just three! Leave me alone! lol! Let her grow up as a kid, not a kid with an adult-like schedule. She’s fine and she will be fine, we’re having fun just as we are :)
Kate, I could not agree more! I have 5 kids, 4 of which are learning to master their ADHD and emotional outbursts. I have come to realize that having the time to be just kids, allows them to discover themselves. I fear when we over-program our kids we shift their focus away from discovering their authentic self and developing important emotional skills, to a focus on what parent society wants. By trying to give them advantages we sacrifice opportunities to develop vital building blocks to life success- resiliency skills, emotional management skills, interpersonal skills, problem-solving skills, etc.
Oh wow yes!
Time to get to know ourselves… even as an adult I am still working on this!
Michael Phelps didn’t start swimming until he was 11 and look what he accomplished. Let them be kids and discover where their passion is taking them.
Yayyy!!! So excited to read this opinion! We spend so much time wondering what our kids are missing out on, and the one thing we too often overlook is the fact that they are missing out on being kids! How many kids do you know that have Facebook pages, but have never played hide-and-seek, own a cell phone so they coordinate practice schedules with their parents for pick ups, but don’t know what it is to catch lightning bugs or don’t know how to ride a bike. They are missing out on crucial self development time. If a child is truly gifted at an activity, they still will be in five years. If we miss the open window of opportunity for them to experience being children, we have taken that opportunity from them forever.
Can I just say… if I lived somewhere that had lightening bugs I’d spend every spare second hunting for them!!! :)
I could not agree more. Have you read the book Last Child in the Woods by Richard Louv? It’s really amazing how many things our children are missing out on by being so over-scheduled.
One word: HOORAY!
What do I think? I think you have farewelled insanity and opened the door to sanity for your whole family. Congratulations. And if you want to know more, I also wrote a blog post about this!! http://auntannieschildcare.blogspot.com/2011/01/parent-as-cab-driver-after-school.html
You’ll find a lot of support for your views there, including the developmental basis for what I believe about this subject. :)
thanks for sharing the link…. lots of fabulous food for thought!
My 5 yo started school this year, and I’ve just been introduced to the world of extra curricular. Oh my. I never knew it was so big. I also had our third at the end of last year so I literally have not had the time to enrol and commit my 5yo to any extra activities. And in not doing so, I’ve made the decision that until he is very desperate to do one of these activities, I’m not going to introduce anything. He just comes home now and plays or lies on the couch looking at books. It is now his holidays and he’s doing the same. WE’re not running around trying to get him from this session to that. We’re spending this very precious ‘down’ time together. We go to the park or the library. We cook. We sleep. A lot of the time we do very little. But he’s recharging and both of us have lost the freneticism that we have during term time. I can’t imagine what it would be like if we were out 3-4 nights a week at different activities. He would not cope.
I too worry that I’m ‘holding’ him back or I’m not giving him the opportunities that he should have but a big part of me feels that he needs me and quiet time and boredom more than all the other. Kids seem to commit to so much that they don’t really commit to anything at all (if that makes sense).
At last the voice of reason – well done. You are not depriving them at all, giving the the gift of time is invaluable. As adults, our minds are so full, so active, it would be a complete miracle if I could have the gift of time. In my experience, I have seen absolute superstars at the age of 10, pushed to the limit, by the time they are 14 or so, they have had enough, and just want to slow down. Who says they have to be brilliant as something anyway? So long as they are healthy, happy kids, they will turn out well adjusted adults.
My thoughts EXACTLY!!!! I only have to go back to my own childhood to know what it feels like to be at this, that and everything else after school. All the extra homework that came from learning an instrument or two, doing private speech and drama and the other activities, then trekking all over town to get to the different places. All I wanted to do was play! I also remember my dad working overtime and double headers just to pay for us to get all of these opportunities. Think I would have enjoyed having my dad home more. Our girls won’t be doing all the added extras. They’ll be apart for most of the week once Miss M starts school next year so for us family time/ playtime is WAY more important.
Christian Lindberg, the most famous and accomplished trombonist in the world, didn’t touch a trombone until he was 19 years old. He was playing lead trombone in a famous orchestra at age 22. So if someone is destined to be really good at something it will come to them in good time. If Lindberg had been forced to play trombone from an early age he ,ay well have got sick of it and given up.
Hi Kate,
Great post and an approach to parenting that I have always related to. When I first had children I was determined not to overload my kids with endless classes & activities. I really hoped that they could have the simple uncomplicated upbringing that I had experienced growing up in the country. However all this changed when one of my beautiful sons was diagnosed with autism just before his second birthday. I have spent the last 3 years taking him to endless classes/activities/therapy just so he can function and learn the way typical kids can. Without all of this intervention he would find it very difficult to learn the skills that most kids just pick up through play and life. I quite often read posts and opinions like yours and I feel sad and guilty that my son’s life can’t be like that. So I guess I’m hoping that people realise that not all of us our sending our kids to the endless activities and classes to massage our own egos, for some it really is important and necessary. Cheers
This is such an important point.
We started our girls at ballet when they were four, not because we thought they would ever become professional dancers, but because they needed to practice their social skills and it has been far and away the best thing for them.
I don’t think extra activities are all bad, in fact they can be really great with the right activity and attitude…
Can I add SPACE. Time and space to play without adult interference and direction.
I am amazed at the response and as a mother of a lot of children that are now adults. I would like to add that the ones that got my undivided attention 24/7 are now over achievers and no they didn’t have all the classes and activities that you can now spend a fortune on they were always given a choice from a very early age of two to decided what they wanted. They chose their mother and family over everything and I spent time teaching them everything they wanted to learn. No hassles no running around and all are doing what they love now and not following the the wake of what was pushed on them.
I agree wholeheartedly! My daughter has a natural gift for drawing and already produces things that amaze people. So many have suggested that we put her in art classes and start honing her gift. She is all of 8 years old for Pete’s sake! When we have put her in art classes and camps, she has resented going and disliked being told what to do and how to do it. This is a kid who already spends every waking moment drawing pictures, perfecting lines and dimensions. My son (6 yo), OTOH, has been singing on-pitch since before he could speak. We started him on piano lessons a year ago but do not push him to practice. He has his 30 minute weekly lesson with a wonderful teacher, and he occasionally sits at the piano and plays around, which we praise and reinforce him for. Well-meaning friends and family often comment that he won’t progress unless we demand he practice every day. That’s what my parents did for me. By my teen years, I was playing pieces that demanded virtuoso technical abilities, but hated every minute of it. I have copies of pieces like the Schumann piano concerto and Bach’s chromatic fantasy and fugue that have markings in my handwriting on them. I must have played at some point in my life, but I have absolutely no recollection of it. It’s like I blocked all of it out! The joy and pleasure along with the pain and frustration. It’s so sad to see children being deprived of their natural love for art, music, sport, and indeed life itself. The cycle doesn’t stop unless someone is brave enough to say “NO”.
I think you are a very wise woman. We don’t do a lot of extracurricular activities in our family, we just don’t have the time or the money to do it. Not only that, there’s only so much a kid can do in one day. They need down time, they need free time. (IMHO) I know if we did just one thing more it would spell disaster for us. My kids get tired, Josh slept in until 12:05 on Monday and he’s been sleeping late every day this week. It kind of proves my point I think. ;)
Love this, Kate. I absolutely agree. I see some kids just exhausted because they do so many activities. I think it’s hard these days to see all your friends do things that way and to choose not to yourself. But, nothing makes my girl happier than just being at home, running around, going for a stroll together, playing with some playdough, baking with me, making things up and just… being. To me, that’s a freedom we’re giving her.
No they won’t! I feel like this all the time. I believe that young children should be learning about the world and the ABCs can come later. The children around me have lessons packed on weekends and I’m talking about below 3 years old. I don’t believe in sacrificing family time for classes. But I admit that every time I see a kid who is just slightly older than them who can recite multiplication tables, put together a 100 pcs jigsaw, I panic a little and I don’t know if they are losing out. But that feeling won’t last, after a day or so, I still believe that we should be out of the race, at least for now, when they are so young!
I can so relate to this article! We cut back on aactivities a couple of years ago. Best thing we ever did!!!! The stress levels in the family have dropped dramatically!
Amen! I am so with you … I’ve been starting to feel a creeping sense of guilt that I haven’t signed my 20 month old up to swimming lessons or any other structured activities as yet. He goes to the park, the local pcyc, plays with his peers at mothers group and child care, we paint, draw, expose him to water in the bath and at the beach/river/pool – shouldn’t this be enough?! Officially relinquishing the guilt!
Alas my children (17,15,13&11) will probably never play for Australia. But they are well adjusted socially capable people. Our maximum was 2 after school activities and that sometimes seems too much. Well done on teaching your kids about real life. They will thank you one day. I interpret the statement ‘but all the other kids are allowed to’ as ‘you are a really good parent’ ;).
Totally agree with you Kate,
Life is busy enough without over-scheduling the kids.
Plus, I find we have the most fun, and most memorable experiences while playing.
And my little kindy boy is reading books from year 3 – and he’s never seen a flash card in his life. We just love books.
xAndrea
Oh God thankyou! Thanks for writing this post. I have four small children and absolutely no time and feel such guilt about this very issue. “Everybody else is, so shouldn’t my kids be too?” Now I will be able to think “Kate isn’t”. I think that will help! x
Great post. I feel exactly the same and I’ve really noticed that if we have a busy week and they don’t get plenty of free time, it impacts upon them. There’s too much of a rush and kids just need to be allowed to explore and play. I had a conversation with another mum last week about how her daughter wasn’t learning anything in 3 year kindy and that they were just mucking around. Of course the mucking around is the learning!
Finally someone else who gets it and can put it into words. My kids do soccer and dancing……only because THEY want to. Let your kids be kids because they only get one go of it!!
Such wise words!! I totally agree- especially the bit about toddlers learning computers… Seriously, one day when they need to use computers they’ll pick up the skills in no time! In the mean time let them play, explore, discover, get dirty outside – live!
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