I don’t go to the big shopping centres often any more, and even less often do I go with all four kids in tow. But it is school holidays and we are meeting Dad at the cinema so the big kids can go see Ice Age 4. It only takes us about five minutes to wind our way from the car park, through the crowds, down two levels to the cinema, but in that time 5 different people have commented on my family.
“Are they all yours?”
“Don’t you know what causes it?”
“Don’t you have a TV?”
“You have too many children love!”
At least the last idiot called me ‘love’, you know… to soften the blow of a random stranger poking their nose into my business.
For the record…
Yes – they are all my children, all four of them.
We have a fairly good idea of what ’causes it’ and happen to think we are actually quite good at it.
And yes, we have a TV, two in fact, thanks for being so concerned about my media habits.
I don’t understand why people think it is ok to pass comment on a strangers family, sexual habits, or number of children.
It’s not like my kids were being badly behaved, taking up lots of space, or even being loud, they were walking quietly through the shopping centre minding their own business. If only the rest of the people there would mind their own business too, then I would have no issue.
But apart from that… since when is four kids such a HUGE family?
Since when did four kids become something so strange? Since when is four kids a ‘large family’?
I know plenty of families who have four or more kids, and plenty who have less, and plenty who have none. They are all valid choices, there is no one perfect family size. I don’t feel the need to pass comment on them, nor do I feel that our four kids somehow make us ‘out of the ordinary’.
Sure our house might be a little noisier, or crazier, or busier than if we’d stopped at two kids, but it’s not so very different from any other family, really it’s not. We don’t feel different, or special, or insane (well no more insane than I would have been with or without four kids).
Perhaps I am overly sensitive but I see people’s eyes widen a little when I say I have four kids. And then there are the comments like the ones above, or the slightly more polite versions such as…
“You’ve got your hands full” (not so much now they can all walk) or “Wow! That’s a lot of kids!” or “Tell me you aren’t having any more… ha ha”
It’s those comments that make me want to say “You think four is a lot?? We have 18 more at home….”
So tell me? Do I live in la la land? Does four kids really make ours a ‘large family’ and something out of the ordinary?
Oh and have you got any great come back lines for random nosy strangers?
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{ 58 comments… read them below or add one }
I have 5 kids, my youngest is 7 months old and the others are 19,17,15 and 11.
I have been getting a lot of the “wait until she grows up” comments lately. Usually little old ladies who look a bit shocked when I tell them my other daughters are 17 and 15!
I know what they’re like when they grow up!
Then I get the “FIVE” said like a swear word.
I guess once you don’t fit into a sedan you are considered a large family…
I still can’t believe that random strangers would say these things to you though! How rude!!!
I would just say something like “no, these random children just keep following me around… would you like one?”
Man that is rude. I think 4 isn’t that unusual, 3 is pretty average, but having said that, lots of families at berens school have 4, quite a few even have 5. One mum has 9 !! Now that is what I consider big LOL.
I think society leads us to think 4 is a large family. For goodness sake I get a large family payment from the government for having three!!
But I don’t think 4 is huge, but I like to read blogs written by people with 5-7 children, so it’s feeling slightly normal to me.
On another note, nobody ever talked to me pre kids. I called walk invisibly through the crowd. As soon as you have a baby stranges think it’s their right to peer in the pram, put their too bobs worth in.
I get asked at least once a week if my big kids are twins. Theres 18mths difference, I just say no and move on now, I’m over trying to explain.
That is so true… I never knew how invisible I was pre-kids. Now people seem to just love to say something… anything… no matter how stupid! LOL
I feel your pain – and no, four is not a large family. I’ve had all those comments as well and once, a patient I was looking after made the tv comment to me (“You obviously don’t have a tv, hahahaha”). I could have slapped him. I only wish I was witty (or brave) enough with a smart comeback when people think it’s their right to comment.
The only time I think having 4 kids is a large family is when I get behind on the washing, or we have to pay a fortune to go somewhere.
Oh your comment reminded me…
When my DH was in hospital last year one of the Doctors thought it was funny to suggest my husbands heart problems were because of ‘all the kids!’. Then the head of cardiology walked in and said “Are these all yours?” and I was about to hit him when he said… “these don’t cause heart attacks… I know, cause I have six!”…. loved him then LOL
I get the hands full comment a lot, but I’ve only ever had one stranger tell me not to have any more, which made me want to run home and get pregnant just to spite her. Why people think they have any right to comment on other people’s personal decisions I will never understand, so rude!!!
I think you deserve a medal !! Unfortunately in today’s society, 4 does seem big, especially in certain places/suburbs. It’s funny that demographics that seem to portray family sizes. In certain Sydney suburbs, the general consensus was 1 or 2, but in the Inner Western suburbs, families were bigger with 3 or 4 being the norm. I have 2, and they are busy enough, and whilst I romanticise about having 4, I think 3 might be it in a few years. Its a personal choice, but as Mandy says above, having children out in public (god forbid!) seems to automatically give a pass to strangers to feel they should comment. At least your 4 were quite and behaving themselves. Pooh-bar to those that judge !
Lauren :)
I think it is all relative and different peoples perspectives. I only have one child so yes, to me, 4 seems large! But not in a bad way and I would never say anything like that to a complete stranger. I think about our unit we live in and our cars and I can’t imagine having 3 more kids fit in this scenario. Maybe that’s why people think that? it’s just a shame some people don’t seem to have their censor switch on and stupid stuff comes out of their mouths. For what it’s worth, I am wrong for having only 1, too. because its selfish and he will be a spoiled brat and he really needs and deserves a sibling to get along in life.
I have three children, two of them are twins (boy/girl twins). On the subject to strangers commenting on families, I always get….”are your twins IVF or natural?”. From complete strangers! I am sure you got similar comments with your girls :) Oh and if I had a dollar every time someone said “”Oh your hands must be full!”, I would be rather well off.
Oh I used to get that question all the time… “Are they natural?”
One day I was over it so replied… “Well they used to be, but we had them dipped in plastic so they are easier to clean.” and walked away… felt SO GOOD!
Wrote this post addressing some of the other twin questions we get asked a lot, bet you have something to add!
http://picklebums.com/2011/11/11/thing-i-know-about-twins/
Love that response Kate! I should try it next time someone asks if my triplets are natural. Normally I say, “Yes. They aren’t robots.”
A mum of 5 from my kids’ school says “oh we’re going to keep trying until we get one that we like”. She reckons that shuts them up pretty quickly. I only have boys so I get all the comments about how I must be desperate for a girl. I don’t really mind but it is a bit insensitive towards my boys who are usually listening. I think sometimes people just like to say something and fall back on the most cliched remark that pops into their heads. Once I was in a supermarket with my oldest (then 3) who was behaving (I thought) pretty normally and an old lady came up to me and said very nicely “Don’t worry dear, one of my boys was just like yours when he was little and I just want you to know that he’s all grown up now and completely fine” To this day I have no idea what she meant!!!
If the choices are small or large, four is probably large Four is L and then we look to the Duggars for 5XL LOL
3 is M, 2 is S and 1 is XS. Take note everyone, it has been decided! LOL
And now you need to market a line of size stickers for the backs of cars and make a fortune! LOL
hahaha yeah with washing instructions … i’ll use your dipped in plastic line!!! LOL
Hi! I’m a newbie at your blog – it’s great. I had to laugh as I read your post. I’m a mummy of two (and no more planned) but you SERIOUSLY need to move to the country! With only two kids we are SO in the minority here. Three is the norm, four is about average, there are several of my friends with 5′s and 6′s and then there are more than a handful who are in the 10+ category. Why? Who knows. Perhaps it is because life is (often) a little less stressful (we don’t live off the land, just benefit from the small community and relaxed pace of life), and people have kids because they can. The thought that people feel free to comment on your family and life choices baffles me. Whether that is something that they think (fair enough) but to voice it? Get over it. Comment on something that matters and that you actually get to have an opinion on.
Oooops! I commented and hadn’t read your “about” or any other posts – you DO live in the “country” (or at least on the same amount of land that we do) and you STILL cop these comments about your family. My mistake – I apologise.
You know I thought people didn’t look at us sideways when we are all out in our little town because they know us… but maybe there is something to your country theory…. :)
As soon as you are pregnant people feel they suddenly have a vested interest in your offspring… I remember being pregnant at work and a older male colleague questioning whether I should be drinking coffee!
I don’t think its big. And even if I did I wouldn’t tell you! Some people are so rude. My nan is one of 14. They had to eat dinner in shifts and share beds. 14 is a lot of kids.
yeah… 14 kids…. I’d go out on a limb and call that big too LOL
I agree with Vanessa – as soon as I was pregnant with number three people had an opinion about seemingly everything. Overwhelmingly, they thought I was having a boy after having two girls. I even had someone ask if I would have another child if it was a girl… before number three was even born!!! Three was our number and I am happy to have three healthy, mostly happy, girls.
We now live in a country area where the family ticket to the local show is for 2 adults/3 kids so we are very much average size.
Surprisingly, Centrelink considers us a large family at 3 kids.
I can’t go anywhere with my three boys without somebody saying “you’ve got your hands full”. I get it constantly and I too always wonder what is it that compels people to pass comment. But then almost as often I get “so, are you going to try for a girl??”
I have 4 girls so I always get the “you’ve got your hands full” followed by “so, are you trying for a boy” (I’d like to say “yes actually, I’m off to have sex with my husband right now!” , but never would) then I get “oh, your poor husband” as if living with all us girls is such a burden.
I have a friend with three girls and she always cops those stupid comments… and you know what, no one ever tells me how damn clever I was for having two of each!!
i just cannot believe how rude and stupid some people are. If they feel they have the right to comment at all they should have offered you a coffee or cocktail to say thank you and congratulations for taking care and time to create 4 great citizens who are all beautiful, bright and funny UP THEIRS!!! I am furious and am amazed you don’t respond but such ignorance is best ignored Thanks for lovely photos
Can you believe I actually got all four kids in the same place at the same time and even sort of all smiling at the camera????
Four is certainly not large. I am one of four and now have three of my own. I would love another to make it four. When I go out I get comments, too about having my hands full and being busy, especially if they ask about their ages.
I think it’s so rude that people think they have a right to comment on someone else’s family, especially with those stupid things about TVs and so on. I wish I had some witty comebacks to share, but I don’t.
Also, gorgeous photos!
I got so many comments like this when I was expecting my third – plus the astonishingly common “But you already have a girl and a boy, why would you have more?”
So I’ve been surprised that people seem to embrace the fourth child – including my husband’s family, who had a hard time with the third. I guess I’ve been lucky, so far, at least. Of course, the baby isn’t born yet :)
You have a gorgeous family!
Some people clearly have nothing better to do or say. Totally agree with the fact though that if you have kids it’s like wearing a sign that says, come up and randomly talk to me. Never did before I had kids. I only have 2 and we are still talked to a lot! And, when you have only 2 kids people are then always asking you when/if you’re having another. And we’re done, and I don’t know that I need to tell everyone that but strangers always ask. So, maybe having 4 kids isn’t really that big a family (although I still take my hat off to you), but it’s just that randoms often like to stick their nose and comment or question where it’s not wanted or needed ;)
I get asked if we will have more often too…
I used to just say maybe and walk away, but depending on who it is sometimes I launch into the whole story of my husband’s heart condition and whether I want to be a widow with five kids or just four blah blah… a little overly melodramatic but it tends to shut people up pretty quick!
The size of your family is such a personal thing… I would never dare ask anyone I didn’t know well about it!
“we’re trying to start a new political party” is one that we use in my family..
People can be so rude. 4 kids in a family may be bigger than most families but there is nothing wrong with that choice.
I hate the way these days it seems more people decided they can be RUDE. It doesn’t matter, it’s inappropriate to comment on personal appearance, gender, skin hue….yet, more people see to make it their business.
Kate it used to be that we ( parents) thought you’d stop at whichever number of kids you reckoned you could manage…but life is not that simple. I had one chid very easily, then a 7.5 year gap before number2. We stopped at 2 as I knew I would have to work full-time.
Now, more families are having 3, and so on.
To be keeping it real…it’s Australia, and we still have freedom of choice – your family is such a beautiful one. I love how you write about your kids from the ‘bad’ days to the best! They are great!
Denyse xx
I am surprised you get so many comments, 4 is just standard really.
And in response to have you got a tv, I think seven cherubs had the best response when she once replied, “yes, have you got any manners!”
I grew up in a family of 4 children. I’m 31 and I remember people commenting on how we had a big family, 20 years ago! I think because of the way things have changed, perception of money, having career before family, and many other factors that have transformed our society, has affected how many children families have on average. It seems like more than 2 these days gets a comment from someone. I’ve heard people say things like, “I would’t want to be outnumbered!” It’s almost a mentality of us vs. them. I loved having 3 other siblings, and I wouldn’t mind having 4 of my own, but we currently have 2 children and we are still figuring out if 3 is for us or not. We feel that if we put at least 2 people out into the world to take our place when we die to carry on our contributions and good deeds to society, then we’ve done our part!
It really depends where you live and who you hang out with. In my circles, four is quite large, but that’s still no excuse for rude remarks.
some snappy comebacks:
For “You DO realize what causes that, don’t you?”
-”No, but can you tell me?”
– “Love.”
“Boy you have your hands full!”
-”No, I have more hands helping me with the groceries/packages/parcels/housework.”
-”Actually, they all walk on their own.”
“Are they all yours?”
-”I share with my husband.”
-”Why, do you want one?”
-”There’s no limit on them. Figured we’d stock up.”
“You have too many children!”
-”they’re my retirement plan.”
– “I believe you have too few children.”
-”It’s the amount the Good Lord gave us. Are you going to question his blessings?” (I am not a religious person, but I find when you start invoking religion, people back off quickly.)
-”Well, you know, like Monty Python said, ‘Every sperm is sacred.”
Is four large? Personally, I think it’s all relative to a person’s perspective.
In today’s society, with the availability of birth control and such, I know a number of families who have decided that one is enough. On the flip side, with the advances with IVF and other methods of helping women conceive (and even have multiples), I also know a number of families that have 3-5 children (often with a set of multiples in the mix). I think a person’s own tenancies to think of their own family size as “normal” leads to whether they think 4 is a large family or not.
However, in my mom’s generation (she’s 70 BTW), I think the norm was more 3+ kids per family. So I would expect that any grandmother’s who pass you would be more likely to think/say something like “you have a beautiful family”.
What are the general ages of the strangers who are telling you 4 is a lot?
it’s strange that people, strangers have the boldness to stop you and ask you this kind of thing !
in France, even if, since 3 children it is considered as large family. a lot of families has more, like 4 or 5 children (my neighbour have 4 kids) and it’s considered as rude to look insistently a family like yours and moreover to ask some silly questions
I confess I would love to know how a dad would manage (with his wife) a family of 4 or 5 little girls, living in a pinky house :) or how a little girl would grow with 4 big brothers but I won’t ask to a stranger in the street :)
I am one of four and I’m sure people made the same kind of remarks when I was a kid.
I wish I was as brave as you – try to take these comments as admiration – sharing your kids should be one of the best bits – shopping centers are now one of the only places that the village connects.
As a Mum you’re never without company – but so many people spend most of the day alone – your gorgeous family is seen as an invitation to connect – I wonder if it will change when Noah is school aged.
Feel proud – take the comments as compliments – the obvious love your kids have for each other is such a testament to the home you have built – Some might be rude but other people just want to be a part of that joy and don’t know how to join – assuming the best admonishes the meanies and may well be the highlight of the day for someone who misses the bit where they too were surrounded by kids.
Blimey! how rude!
No, I don’t consider 4 in the large family category … My sister has 5 and I’ve always wanted 6 but ended up with 3, due to several reasons.
Don’t mind other people’s rude comments … I always like to think they’re jealous! :)
Your children are beautiful … cherish them. :)
Oh the comments! I’m feeling particularly sensitive about random strangers’ comments of late.
Before I was pregnant this time around people would randomly say, ‘You have to give your daughter a sibling’ (really? I HAVE to?) or worse – ask her if she’d like a brother or sister (go away, people!).
I really don’t mind people asking if I’d like to have more children or whatever else they’re curious about my life, but it’s all in the tone – and preferably not just randoms in the street.
A friend of mine has 5 children, her response to people’s comments ‘Yes we do have a TV but my husband is just so good in bed I can’t resist!!’ lol! Give that a go next time somebody gives you their two bobs worth! :-)
well you see I have the ‘pigeon pair’ and “aren’t I glad I got one of each” so don’t know what you are on about LOL
People need to pull their heads in a little more often I think. It is funny because I know tons of people who have 4+ and all get the same rude comments.
I think four children probably would qualify as large here -but I grew up as one of four and it never did us any harm! As long as you’re all happy and healthy and able to provide for them – which you clearly do – then I think it is absolutely nobody else’s business. And to comment on it is just astonishingy rude.
I giggled and then had to share your comment about being good at “it” with the hubby XD
Yeh 3 is considered a “large” family these days. The area I’m in (must be full of bogans), unless the family is quite young (oldest at 5 say) the average number of kids seems to be 4. My neighbour down the road has 5 (and when they come round to play it’s chaos and confusion :). Among the homeschoolers I know it seems to be 3 and a bit (perhaps pulled up slightly by the person with 9).
I get “you have your hands full” and “are they your younger siblings” or “are you babysitting?” more often than “are they all yours”. Maybe you need to practise the “you’re an idiot” look more ;)
I’m one of five kids, which I always thought was a decent-sized (but not large) family. When I had my second child, a boy, people kept telling me I could stop having kids because I had one of each. Since when is that the goal? We’re adding #3 in February; just wait until people find out!
My sister-in-law has six boys and will probably keep on going. I have twin cousins, each of whom have at least nine kids (I’ve lost count!).
I’m not good with comebacks, but I love some of the ones that readers shared!
4 is pretty common around here. Now that we’re having a 4th it feels like we’ve “joined the club”. :-)
Hooray for another family of four! I too (especially because I have four BOYS six and under) get tons of comments. Yes, I had them on purpose. Yes, we’d like more. Yes, they’re all boys. No, we weren’t “just trying for a girl again”. Sigh. Four isn’t that big. I think it’s normal. One or two is just small. Heck even three is kind of small. :) Your kids are adorable…i just stumbled onto your blog while looking for fun things to do with my boys this summer. Thanks for the ideas!
It is amazing how many people feel free to comment on how many children you have….
I only have one, I had cancer when my son was 4 and didnt get a chance to have any more.
I get the opposite commments to you…
“you cant just stop at one, he will be so lonely”
“when are you going to have another one”
Its no-ones business how many kids you have 1 or 4 or 14. They all get love, they all get to grow up to be productive happy human beings :)
I used to get a lot of comments about my kids.. I have 3, one 13yo daughter and a set of 10yo boy/girl twins. I have been asked all of the invasive questions about the twin things, plus some silly ones.. And of course all of the ‘handful’ or ‘double trouble’ lines.. But the most outrageous question I ever had asked of me happened in the checkout line at a local Walmart ~ a lady asked if they all had the same dad?? I was shocked to say the least.. Not that it couldn’t happen; my sister-in-law has 3 children all by different guys and all of whom my brother raised.. but still to ask that question of a total stranger! Crazy..
Some days I would say 4 is a lot (because there are some days that I think 3 might have been a bit too much ;) ), but then again there are days when I think I would love to have another. On a positive note, though, I have had just as many experiences where total strangers walk up to me and tell me how well behaved my kids are. That always makes me feel good, I have to say.. The questions we get these days have to do with our choice to homeschool.
You have a beautiful family by the way :)
How rude!
I don’t think four is that many. My partner and I plan for three, plus his son, but I know families with more and with less.
My partners mum, for example, is the oldest of eleven.
As for comebacks, I find a dirty look usually does pretty well, as well as one of your children saying something. Don’t know why that works better than you saying it, but there you go.
Love this post !
I also have 4 kids. Where we live, it’s much more common to have 2 or 3 children. Anything more than that is considered a “large” family.
I get those same comments constantly, and am generally slightly annoyed with the strangers who feel the need to comment.
I have all boys, so I also have the added comments like “Oh, you must’ve been trying for a girl”, or “Wow, all boys, huh ?! You must be really busy.” (as if 4 girls would be a piece of cake?!)
Over the years, I have gotten used to the looks and comments, but I would be lying if I said it didn’t still bother me at times.
Some people just need to keep their mouths shut, unless they have something positive to say.
When my 6th child was less than 24 hours old and in ICU, with her survival by no means a certainty, I was asked by more than one nurse if we were going to have any more!
Strangers say the strangest things! I am one of four and we have five kids. Having more kids than you can fit in a car would be a large family I think – like if you had to drive a bus.
I always like to say that we have a few spares in case some of them don’t turn out very good… But actually they are all great. If I had started younger I might have had more! I guess it was my age that made us realise we had finished building our family.
I love the kids having friends over so we have more kids around and seating eleven at the table feels wonderful.
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