‘Never say never’ is usually my motto, so I won’t say never ever but I will say probably. Noey is probably, almost certainly, just about definitely, my last baby.
Once upon a while ago there was a little niggling thought about five, but things have changed. While that niggling thought hasn’t quite gone away (it probably never will), the conversations don’t include jokes about more babies any more. That makes me a little sad and a little relieved.
Relieved that the decision has been made for me. Relieved because four is a good number, our family works with four. But sad. Sad that I won’t ever be pregnant again. Sad that I won’t ever be that special person who brings new life into the world, and sad that I won’t have a tiny baby again.
I look at my baby boy. My Quatro, Number Four, Noey No Nos and I try to remember every inch of how he is. I try to imprint his baby-ness indelibly on my mind so that I can recall it al will when I need it. I try to notice everything, so I don’t forget, because I will forget.
I’ve already forgotten things about how the big kids were when they were babies. And this forgetfulness is made even more apparent as I try to remember Noah.
Was Morgan’s blonde hair curly by this age or was it as wispy and straight as Noah’s?
Did the girls make as many cute noises? Were they saying ‘Mama’ deliberately by this age?
When did the others all get teeth?
Were their heads as soft and warm as Noah’s?
I try so hard not to forget.
I take photos. I video. I write self centred, gushy, only-a-mother-could-love blog posts…. and yet the memories still slip away. I guess that is the way of the world and I’ll just have to live with it. But in the mean time I am drinking in every moment of my baby boy, and every moment of his brothers and sisters. I will kiss them all and stroke their hair and do all the stupidly over sentimental things that I never thought I’d do… for as long as they’ll let me.
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Oh that made me a little teary xoxo
Deb G says
I love this post. xxx
Ohhhh Kate I could have written this.
Where once I was wishing the days away, waiting for the next developmental or physical leap this time I wish I could just freeze everything for a while. I wish this precious last baby could just stay a baby a little longer.
Hard and emo being a Mama ;)
awww stop it ….you making my ovaries ache.
I felt all the same feelings …way too late.
He is so gorgeous …
Granma Jill says
The strangest thing happens when you become a grandma. All the memories of what the your children were like come floating back. You see expressions, physical characteristics, behaviours in the grandchildren that trigger the memories of your children again.
So you may have to wait a few years Kate but the memories are still there and you will smell that sweet baby as they snuggle their soft little heads into your neck, and you will see them sizing you up just like their mother or father did when they were children.
Hi pickle mumma. It’s been ages since I’ve stopped by and you now have another bab. How did I miss that. Congrats x
Oh that made me all emotional too – beautiful post. Just beautiful x
Fiona at innerpickle says
oh that first photo makes me want to go again! maybe i’d get a blonde boy! (or not, given Adam is as dark skinned as an Israeli.) Yep, I think it’s 3 and we’re out over here. kills me too. but that’s the amazing thing about this little old online record. in twenty year’s time he’ll know you were in this moment. Hope the hols are fab down your way. xxx
Bec @ Bad Mummy says
Abi’s definitely my last baby. I’ve had a tubal ligation so future pregnancy isn’t likely. One thing I’ve realized lately is how incredibly fast they really do grow up! With Erin and all of her issues she was always delayed so I had that baby for a lot longer than normal, but Abi. She’s so close to walking and she’s not even 10 months old! :(
keepcatebusy (Cate) says
I’m living exactly every one of these thoughts :-)
Oh those niggles………………….mmmmmmmmmmmmm but what a cute number 4 to end it on hey. he is delicious and i am with you drink it in. people never understand why I don’t take my kids to some sort of thing, music or gym or something everyday and this is the exact reason why cause I don’t wont to miss out on my kids as they will never be like they are today again. Drink it in go get drunk on it I say!
Cheryl Forster says
I really related to this post and the timing was uncanny. I was reflecting over my cup of tea this morning, watching my daughter and thinking to myself how much I just love this time. I don’t want her to grow up! I want her to stay all squishy & beautiful and soft. I love that she thinks I am the best! I want to breathe her in, hold on to that gorgeous innocence. Then I read your post and it brought a tear to my eyes, hoping this too is not the last time I get to feel a baby moving in my belly but knowing it probably is & wanting this time to last forever. Next time I am feeling frustrated and wanting bub to hurry up and get through this stage I will stop and feel gratitude instead! Thanks Kate!