It’s official… I give up. The Boogerheads have won the war.
We fought the first battle in the on-going insurgence years ago. I guess when they first started to be mobile. And we… or should I say I, since I am the one most often home to deal with the aftermath, have fought a gallant battle, tried to stay one step ahead… until now.
When they started crawling it was pretty easy to out-smart them. Put everything up above knee height and don’t leave anything dangerous or messy on the floor. In a house with wood floors and totally crappy carpet even mobile vomiting wasn’t to hard to stay on top of. We did try a play pen at one stage… but only long enough to watch Zoe lift it up to allow Izzy to crawl underneath.
When walking began we were living with my parents, so the extra pair (or two) of hands and heaps of attention kept us one step ahead. When we moved here they were still fairly well contained. The child proof gate on the kitchen and the high handle on the lunge room door kept them confined to two rooms and they were still in cots and showing no inclination to want to climb out so that helped too.
But it wasn’t long after that the ‘War of the Couch Cushions’ began, closely followed by the’ Battle of Table Climbing’. Then the child-proof gate wasn’t so child proof as they climbed over it and helped themselves to an entire packet of dried apricots from the kitchen cupboards.. and yes you can imagine the results of that expedition!
We still thought we could win though, back then… we bought childproof locks for the kitchen cupboards – several types which Izzy managed to crack in a matter of hours. Then we got magna-locks not even my Houdini children could figure those out. Victory!
Not long after that I wrote this post.. and this one… and there were many many more stories that never made it to blog land, like the insides of Bread-Man being posted in the video recorder, or the DVD frisbees…. but we were still strong… we still had some weapons up our sleeves! We went to Ikea. We bought two high cabinets…. one with a door. We bought more magna locks. We put the TV and video and DVD super super high up. We locked the DVDs and CDs away in the new cupboard. For a while all was good and quiet. We thought we had won. This was simply a ploy by the Boogerheads to make us let our guards down.
This last week or so has seen a new battle emerge. The ‘I can get chairs off the table and climb on them and reach almost everything’ battle and the ‘I can work the magna lock now that I can reach it’ battle. Disaster.
The war came to a head last night.
Under the cover of the sounds of sizzling sausages and chopped carrots they attacked. Dragged the coffee table over to the shelves, climbed up, found the jar of Dermeeze cream (for those not entrenched in the world of eczema that is a large tub of almost pure paraffin to stop itchy skin from drying out) unscrewed the lid and proceeded to spread the contents all over their animals, the floor, the couch and themselves.
By the time the strange giggling reached my ears and I went to investigate it was too late. They were ice-skating on the slippery floor boards in their bare feet and thudding down on their bare bottoms laughing with glee. There was oily, waxy hand and foot prints all over the living room and it’s contents.
First I got mad. Then I gave up.
They’ve got me. I can’t win in the face of this constant onslaught. I can’t remove every chair and table from the house. I can’t buy a cupboard big enough or a lock child-proof enough to lock everything away. I am done for… the white flag is in my hands.
We are on a temporary truce today to deal with a bout of gastro we bought home from Toora. And while I am not a fan of vomit and poo the break from the war is much appreciated none the less. Perhaps the truce will give us time to regroup and the white flag will go away for a few more weeks…. or perhaps we will give in entirely and pass rule of the house over to the Boogerheads and accept our fate as we bow down as slaves… perhaps.