It’s official… I give up. The Boogerheads have won the war.
We fought the first battle in the on-going insurgence years ago. I guess when they first started to be mobile. And we… or should I say I, since I am the one most often home to deal with the aftermath, have fought a gallant battle, tried to stay one step ahead… until now.
When they started crawling it was pretty easy to out-smart them. Put everything up above knee height and don’t leave anything dangerous or messy on the floor. In a house with wood floors and totally crappy carpet even mobile vomiting wasn’t to hard to stay on top of. We did try a play pen at one stage… but only long enough to watch Zoe lift it up to allow Izzy to crawl underneath.
When walking began we were living with my parents, so the extra pair (or two) of hands and heaps of attention kept us one step ahead. When we moved here they were still fairly well contained. The child proof gate on the kitchen and the high handle on the lunge room door kept them confined to two rooms and they were still in cots and showing no inclination to want to climb out so that helped too.
But it wasn’t long after that the ‘War of the Couch Cushions’ began, closely followed by the’ Battle of Table Climbing’. Then the child-proof gate wasn’t so child proof as they climbed over it and helped themselves to an entire packet of dried apricots from the kitchen cupboards.. and yes you can imagine the results of that expedition!
We still thought we could win though, back then… we bought childproof locks for the kitchen cupboards – several types which Izzy managed to crack in a matter of hours. Then we got magna-locks not even my Houdini children could figure those out. Victory!
Not long after that I wrote this post.. and this one… and there were many many more stories that never made it to blog land, like the insides of Bread-Man being posted in the video recorder, or the DVD frisbees…. but we were still strong… we still had some weapons up our sleeves! We went to Ikea. We bought two high cabinets…. one with a door. We bought more magna locks. We put the TV and video and DVD super super high up. We locked the DVDs and CDs away in the new cupboard. For a while all was good and quiet. We thought we had won. This was simply a ploy by the Boogerheads to make us let our guards down.
This last week or so has seen a new battle emerge. The ‘I can get chairs off the table and climb on them and reach almost everything’ battle and the ‘I can work the magna lock now that I can reach it’ battle. Disaster.
The war came to a head last night.
Under the cover of the sounds of sizzling sausages and chopped carrots they attacked. Dragged the coffee table over to the shelves, climbed up, found the jar of Dermeeze cream (for those not entrenched in the world of eczema that is a large tub of almost pure paraffin to stop itchy skin from drying out) unscrewed the lid and proceeded to spread the contents all over their animals, the floor, the couch and themselves.
By the time the strange giggling reached my ears and I went to investigate it was too late. They were ice-skating on the slippery floor boards in their bare feet and thudding down on their bare bottoms laughing with glee. There was oily, waxy hand and foot prints all over the living room and it’s contents.
First I got mad. Then I gave up.
They’ve got me. I can’t win in the face of this constant onslaught. I can’t remove every chair and table from the house. I can’t buy a cupboard big enough or a lock child-proof enough to lock everything away. I am done for… the white flag is in my hands.
We are on a temporary truce today to deal with a bout of gastro we bought home from Toora. And while I am not a fan of vomit and poo the break from the war is much appreciated none the less. Perhaps the truce will give us time to regroup and the white flag will go away for a few more weeks…. or perhaps we will give in entirely and pass rule of the house over to the Boogerheads and accept our fate as we bow down as slaves… perhaps.
Read the comments or scroll down to add your own:
Oh dear…. I shouldn’t be laughing at the thought of them skating on derm-eze… but I am!
Hope the gastro goes soon.
OMG! HUGS!!! I know you have this listed under twin stuff, but I’ll just say, I could have written this post about three years ago. That is why we have a huge metal lockable cabinet in the boys room, and Dave carries the key. We have another lockable tall cabinet in the laundry (came with the house, part of the reason we WANTED this house), and Dave has the key to that too… I tried tying the dining chairs to each other under the dining table so they couldn’t pull them out… They even gotten to the shelves above the kitchen cupboards by putting two kiddy chairs on top of one another on top of a dining chair (that’s when *we* sent up our white flag, btw, there was no real hope after that)…
It does start to subside, it will in another year or two, really, besides, by then they’ll be headed for school, LOL…
In the meantime, repeat after me, “this too shall pass – one day!”
*clap clap* Well written, loved reading this story! A pity you had to wave the white flag and clean up what must have been a major mess, but kinda funny yeah? Well ok, maybe it will be in a few months! ;)
hahahaha I so shouldn’t be laughing as I know you are serious but OMG I can just imagine them ploying against you lol
Hope the messy rest break doesn’t last long and they ar feeling better very soon
Oh dear… I won’t laugh because that’ll just invite Murphy to send Laurent a companion to wage such battles with us later on but it is awful funny – when you’re not the one having to clean it up! Sympathies and a maid.
Its so funny cause its not me lol!!
oh my goodness!!! two smart boogerheads you got there! I don’t think I can truly compare but I do recall an incident with my little one when she got into the vaseline jar and had smeared it all over herself (head to toe!), her doll, the carpet, our coffee table (which we had to throw out!). LOL oh the joy of kidlets! I now look back at that vaseline incident and laugh. I am sure many, many, MANY years down the road you will get a chuckle or two out of this… I think!! lol HUGS to you dear!! Hang in there!!!
LOL! That was a very funny post! :D I can sympathise, Sienna is the queen of cupboard emptying, and the high priestess of “uncleaning” :D
Thanks for the list of things I have to look forward to! We are only up to the couch cushion wars.
Oh Kate! You really should be writing that book, and making some money out of all of this ;). I’m sure that they are going to be total angels when they are teenages.. .I mean the universe has to balance out somewhere right? And I hope that you are over the gastro thing.. and things stay a little peaceful :)
Andrew Scott says
they were little angles when they visited us, :P i think you make these stories up!
Oh man, I am so behind in my blog reading! *Bad girl, bad girl*
Loved all these things
The great escape (from the playpen)
Visual image of results of eating a whole packet of dried apricots (bet it looked like carrots, but from the other end LOL)
The budding Safe Cracker
Roller skating Rink made from Parafin
Fabulous read as always!
OMG that stuff is evil! And it can stain too…or maybe it only stains expensive shirts cause that’s the only one that is ruined! Poor Kate!! :-)