Warning : this is going to be a long winded ‘it’s not fair’ kind of post about my children.. read at your own risk!
We had a lovely day at Kate’s Bye Bye Bubba J party. The kids had a great time running themselves ragged and I always enjoy actually being able to talk to other adults for a change. The downside of this though was two VERY tired boogers when we got home around three. About 5 minutes sleep in the car and that was it… there was no way they were going to bed when we got home and not even an hour of post man pat made them nod off. So come 6ish when it was time to start dinner I knew it wasn’t going to be pretty!
Friday nights the big boy goes to play cards with some other big boys and he’d been out collecting firewood all day so it was just me, me and the two booger heads, and it was on for young and old.
One child screaming to be picked up while I try desperately to cook eggs for dinner at the request of the other who can not possibly wait another second, let alone long enough for them to cook, before eating them so she has thrown herself on the floor in the middle of the kitchen. To be stepped over. While dragging the first toddler who is now firmly wrapped around my leg and wiping snot on my only pair of decent jeans.
Finally dinner is cooked and you’d think there might be at least 5 minutes peace while the starving children fill their faces, but no one booger head decides she will eat out of the bowl of the other booger head causing a major argument to break out… and so it went on.
I love my booger heads, truly I do and I wouldn’t change them for the world and I wouldn’t send one back… but I have these moments… these moments when I all but cry with the seeming injustice of it all.
Why couldn’t I have had one baby at a time??
I just want to know what it’s like to only have one child demanding your constant attention? I want to know what it’s like not to have to break up a fight every few seconds. I want to know how it feels to cuddle your child and know that there is not another demanding ALL of your lap for her own cuddle.
I have these wild fantasies about how easy it would be to have a single child….. about how much quieter it would be. How I could pickup a single child while cooking dinner… how I could snuggle up on the couch with my single child and enjoy some time together…. how I wouldn’t constantly have to be making choices about who needs me more.
I say ‘wild fantasy’ because I am pretty sure that it isn’t really any easier, or quieter, or more lovely…. and I am sure that having two has some advantages, but bloody hell I’d like to try just one, just for a minute or two….
I can’t help but feel a bit ripped off. This was NOT part of the bargain when I said I’d have a baby. I had visions of one baby… being able to ease myself into it, being able to hold the baby whenever they needed to be held, fed them when they needed to be fed….to deal with one toddler tantrum at a time…. I’d see all these mums with their new bubs, of out doing stuff, slinging their baby, whipping out a boob when they were hungry and then right back to doing stuff….
I just want to know what it’s like…
And then I get the amazing guilts. Why can’t I love having twins like everyone else?
While I love my girls like nothing else, I still do not enjoy the fact that they are twins. When people say ‘oh I’d love to have twins’ I still want to yell and scream and tell them how wrong they are… how bloody hard it is, how I wish I could have had a year or two to decide to have a second child, to be able to make that choice.
I know these are my hangups and no one else’s though … I know most people who have twins do enjoy it…. and even I get the odd glimpse of wonderfulness…. but some days I just can’t shake it. I still wish I knew what it was like to only have one baby.
So just to remind myself of how lucky I am to have them.. here is a photo of the first time I held my babies. They were six days old and less than a kilo in weight and so bloody lucky to be alive.
anastasia_wolf says
*hugs* Kate, I think your feelings are soooo understandable. Sometimes I can barely cope with one, and I just think “I would never manage twins” and I take my hat off to you! :D
Kate says
*hugs hugs* Kate you know whenever you need a break from your life you guys are ALWAYS welcome to come and play with us here… or we can come to you…
Just *hugs*
Heather says
I just wanted to give you a great big {{{hug!!}}
fazzbech says
I can’t begin to imagine how hard it must be for you at times Kate. Keep your chin up, and every day is a different day, good, bad or ugly as it may be! Always here for you if you need me. Hugs!
Leah says
*hugs* One whinger would have to be easier than two, I know sometimes it doesn’t help to hear you’re doing it tough, but sometimes it does! I know it is really hard when to meet your kids needs you really have to sacrifice of yourself – to add to that, needing to constantly weigh the sacrifice of the other child as well … ah does my head in. You’re a great Mum *hugs*
Zebette says
From someone who truly does understand exactly what you are going through do not beat yourself up. Do not feel guilty that you don’t enjoy your twins being twins, I think it is perfectly normal to feel that way, and it’s perfectly normal to need to get it off your chest. You are a fab mum, it’s no wonder you were blessed (yes really you are blessed not cursed ;) ) with twins! I understand the desire to see what having one baby would be like even though I have done that pre-twins I just think it would be sooo much easier now.
I could go on and on about this for ages with you but I will just say you know where I am if you need me.
*hugs* to a FAB mummy of two boogerheads!
loz says
Huggles Kate,I know you wouldn’t change anything for the world but that doesn’t mean to say there are days and times when you just wish you didnt have to meet all of these needs at once. You are a fabulous mum to your 2 boogey heads I honestly look at you with alot of inspiration in trying to work out who needs need to be met first. Lots of love and hugs and I hope today is a better day:)
Narelle says
Whinge away. I was thinking before that when you have 2 kids you should be allowed to have 2 husbands.
Sandra says
Kate I like the last comment two husbands….hmmm….but I think that that would be more trouble than it was worth. Hang in there Kate, it gets better.
Bin Mitch's Mum says
(((((big hugs))))) Kate… Hey, you’re entitled to have a big whinge. You have been through soooo much with the girls and it’s perfectly understandable to wish it was different at times. And I know how much you love and adore them, it’s not even about that. You’re a fantastic Mum and I’m sure that one day they’ll be doing wonderful, wonderful things for you and you’ll know it was all worth it.
And gosh, 2 husbands, that would have to be worse than 2 kids!!
Bin Mitch's Mum says
(((((big hugs))))) Kate… Hey, you’re entitled to have a big whinge. You have been through soooo much with the girls and it’s perfectly understandable to wish it was different at times. And I know how much you love and adore them, it’s not even about that. You’re a fantastic Mum and I’m sure that one day they’ll be doing wonderful, wonderful things for you and you’ll know it was all worth it.
And gosh, 2 husbands, that would have to be worse than 2 kids!!
HipbubbyMama says
(((hugs))) Kate, I cant imagine how hard it can be-I mean I have ahard time sometimes with 2 kids 3 years apart in age!! Your girls are lovely though, a real testament to what a caring, committed mama you are. Oh and I’d like 2 husbands if one was Nick Cave & the other one LOVED cleaning, cooking etc :D
Anonymous says
One day at a time Sweetie, It’s not forever, Even though it may seem to be, It’s not , Soon they will move on to the next stage and then the stage after that and before you know it , their’ve moved out and you’d be wishing that both we’re with you! I fully understand about the one thing. I have one and wanted two. Still trying but somehow I think we’re only going to be blessed with one.
My best friend has two and I see how it has just worn her out but rountine and living bad mood days as if it might be the last, get her through. She only wanted the one , just one and no more. We should of swapped…hee hee. You hang in the Mum and take care of you too. You know they say Post Natal Despression can last up to or even more than 5 years! and you can have it and not even know it! It’s all just too much Fun! ((((Hugs)))) Breath Just take Deep Deep Breaths! xx
Peta says
{HUG} Kate – I think it all sounds perfectly natural! Hope you feel better getting it all out :) after all it doesn’t mean you love your girls any less just to wish to have more time to devote and know ‘one’ of them IYKWIM.
kymmie has twins too says
So this is what we have to look forward to, my girls are 7mths old and I feel like I’ve aged 70 years. I know exactly how you feel, I too feel ripped of at times, I’m never going to experience 1 baby on their own ever and it’s all my fault, my body did it I wasn’t aided not to mention I still look like I’m carrying two but please please hang in there for my sake if you can’t think of any other because you are the type of wonder mum that I look to, to keep going. Your girls are gorgeous. Make sure you also have your girls night out ok!You can see my girls on my girlfriends blog whatmakesmestronger.blogspot.com
Cass says
Heya Kate! Sounds like it’s been a rough week for you. HUGE {{hugs}}
I’m the friend of Kymmie with twins, just had to comment take the “what” off my address.
Listening to you, and seeing Kym in action, makes me just SO understand that I have NO idea what it’s like. You are both super-women in my book. :)
clikchic says
Oh hugs Kate! I can’t even imagine how hard it must be for you. It can be hard enough at times having two 3yrs apart.. having two toddlers.. I can’t even get my head around that.
You are doing an amazing job with those adorable girls of yours, even if they are trying at times. ;-)
Chris says
lots of *hugs* kate lots of them.
It is hard and although I don’t have twins I had 4 under 4 and it was HARD and I know what it feels like to wonder what it would be like just to have one sometimes as some days there just doesn’t seem to be enough of me to go around but I love them all dearly as you do yours. The photo of your precious bundles makes me go back to when Lance was born and we are both very lucky to be alive.
Your a great mum and don’t worry about them guilty feelings… I think all mums have them….twins or no twins!
You know where all here for you so lots more *hugs* your way.
*hugs hugs hugs hugs hugs* and then some more!