Warning : this is going to be a long winded ‘it’s not fair’ kind of post about my children.. read at your own risk!
We had a lovely day at Kate’s Bye Bye Bubba J party. The kids had a great time running themselves ragged and I always enjoy actually being able to talk to other adults for a change. The downside of this though was two VERY tired boogers when we got home around three. About 5 minutes sleep in the car and that was it… there was no way they were going to bed when we got home and not even an hour of post man pat made them nod off. So come 6ish when it was time to start dinner I knew it wasn’t going to be pretty!
Friday nights the big boy goes to play cards with some other big boys and he’d been out collecting firewood all day so it was just me, me and the two booger heads, and it was on for young and old.
One child screaming to be picked up while I try desperately to cook eggs for dinner at the request of the other who can not possibly wait another second, let alone long enough for them to cook, before eating them so she has thrown herself on the floor in the middle of the kitchen. To be stepped over. While dragging the first toddler who is now firmly wrapped around my leg and wiping snot on my only pair of decent jeans.
Finally dinner is cooked and you’d think there might be at least 5 minutes peace while the starving children fill their faces, but no one booger head decides she will eat out of the bowl of the other booger head causing a major argument to break out… and so it went on.
I love my booger heads, truly I do and I wouldn’t change them for the world and I wouldn’t send one back… but I have these moments… these moments when I all but cry with the seeming injustice of it all.
Why couldn’t I have had one baby at a time??
I just want to know what it’s like to only have one child demanding your constant attention? I want to know what it’s like not to have to break up a fight every few seconds. I want to know how it feels to cuddle your child and know that there is not another demanding ALL of your lap for her own cuddle.
I have these wild fantasies about how easy it would be to have a single child….. about how much quieter it would be. How I could pickup a single child while cooking dinner… how I could snuggle up on the couch with my single child and enjoy some time together…. how I wouldn’t constantly have to be making choices about who needs me more.
I say ‘wild fantasy’ because I am pretty sure that it isn’t really any easier, or quieter, or more lovely…. and I am sure that having two has some advantages, but bloody hell I’d like to try just one, just for a minute or two….
I can’t help but feel a bit ripped off. This was NOT part of the bargain when I said I’d have a baby. I had visions of one baby… being able to ease myself into it, being able to hold the baby whenever they needed to be held, fed them when they needed to be fed….to deal with one toddler tantrum at a time…. I’d see all these mums with their new bubs, of out doing stuff, slinging their baby, whipping out a boob when they were hungry and then right back to doing stuff….
I just want to know what it’s like…
And then I get the amazing guilts. Why can’t I love having twins like everyone else?
While I love my girls like nothing else, I still do not enjoy the fact that they are twins. When people say ‘oh I’d love to have twins’ I still want to yell and scream and tell them how wrong they are… how bloody hard it is, how I wish I could have had a year or two to decide to have a second child, to be able to make that choice.
I know these are my hangups and no one else’s though … I know most people who have twins do enjoy it…. and even I get the odd glimpse of wonderfulness…. but some days I just can’t shake it. I still wish I knew what it was like to only have one baby.
So just to remind myself of how lucky I am to have them.. here is a photo of the first time I held my babies. They were six days old and less than a kilo in weight and so bloody lucky to be alive.