I have been reading Buddhism for Mothers by Sarah Napthali (thanks for the lend Laura) and when I actually get time to read I find myself really caught up in this book. It makes my mind hurt sometimes trying to get my head around some of the concepts and some things I am not sure are totally for me but it is frighteningly easy to see some parallels with my life!
Mindfulness is a biggy.
“If we could learn to live in full awareness of our present moment and explore our own ‘nowness’, instead of rehashing the past or planning the future, we would find more joy in our lives, even moments of unsurpassed bliss…… The term ‘mindfulness’ can be misleading, suggesting a mind that is full. Rather, mindfulness is knowing what’s happening at the time it is happening…”
Oh man.. that bit about ‘rehashing the past and planning for the future’ that is me.. that is so me.
I am a planner a big big planner. I am not devastated if my plans don’t work out perfectly I just make a new plan. I think it is how I cope with the worrying because I am a big worrier too.
I worry about things that will NEVER happen! I worry about stuff that might happen. I worry about stuff that probably will happen. I just worry. Sometimes it creeps up on me and is totally irrational… like worrying about what would have happened if I hadn’t have stopped at that red light while driving! I mean hello.. I did stop… I have always stopped… what is the point of worrying? But I still worry.
I keep the worry from sending me over the edge by planning. I plan how I would deal with all the possible things that might happen. If I have a plan set out in my head, if I know how I am going to deal with things then I know I can cope and the worry doesn’t bother me so much.
Then we come to the day dreaming… kind of like planning but not so realistic. Add to that the rehashing of past moments…. sometimes from years and years ago (why these things pop into my head again I do not know!) and the cycle is complete.
But being mindful is hard. My mind has big problems staying in the present. I have been trying really I have but when I don’t concentrate my mind wanders back into old habits.
The worst part about this is that I don’t think I am fully enjoying now with the girls. I keep thinking about what they will be like when they are older… will this or that be easier or harder… what about school… and can I picture myself as the mother of teenagers? Or I think back on the past… and wonder how we have made it this far, whether I should have done things differently or simply remembering the ‘good old days’. I just forget to enjoy now.
I forget to remember that today is pretty cool and so many ace things happened and that I am so lucky to be here, NOW, enjoying life. I need to enjoy the moments more as they happen.
It doesn’t help that I have a big issue or two whizzing around in my head right now and they are really caught up in what happened in the past and what might happen in the future. It has been suggested that I meditate to try and see a clear path for now, today… but I can’t stay focused…. I am immediately reliving the past or planning the future!
I think I fail Buddhism!
So in an attempt to enjoy the here and now I am going to bed… just to be in bed, warm and comfortable… but I bet my mind wanders!