Not this one.

It’s early.

Too early for the sun.
Too early even for the birds, which is never a good sign.

I can hear him coughing from across the room. I hope it is just a little tickle and he will go back to sleep but it isn’t. I offer a drink and his dummy and crawl back into my own bed. He keeps coughing and now I can hear him breathing.
That’s never a good sign either.

I bring him into bed with me and listen to his raspy breaths. I can feel his chest heaving with each one.
Really not a good sign.

He settles and sleeps, though he is still working hard to suck in air.
I wait, with him nestled in the crook of my arm.

I run through things in my head.

No raging temperature, just a bit of a cold, nothing life threatening as far as bugs go. But breathing with your whole body, noisy in and out breath, I have seen this before, and it’s really really not a good sign, never good sign.

For a little while I give in to being angry and resentful and play the poor me game.

He is my huge healthy baby, the one that over stayed his welcome on the inside. He is the one who was 100% breastfeed, who’s never had a drop of formula, who’s never seen the inside of a hospital, and only ever seen a Dr for self inflicted head injuries.

Fair enough that the girls get sick like this, and often. It’s not fair and it’s not fun but they knew hospitals and needles and machines that breathed for them well before they knew cuddles and breast milk and home. We are lucky just to have them and we expect a few side effects considering how they got here.

But not this one.
This one isn’t supposed to get sick like this….

It’s official now.
I knew it before we went, but I have it in writing now. We fluked an appointment with a really nice Dr (hoo-freaking-ray for finally finding a decent local GP – now she had better not leave!) who told me what I already knew – this is asthma. Illness induced asthma, just like the girls have.

It’s not the end of the world.
I know the drill well, we’ve got it down to a fine art.
It’s just when the protocol doesn’t work so great and I have to make that decision – to stay or to go, that’s what gets to me.

That, and the fact that this one isn’t supposed to get asthma.