Ugh what a day!

My girls are sick.

SNOT… green snot, yellow snot, snot smooshed all over cheeks, running into mouth, wiped on my shoulder… just SNOT. Add to that a mild temperature, a hacking cough and some super narkiness and it’s official… the girls are sick.

So it’s not really been a good day all round, except for the fact that the girls slept till almost ten, but then I should have known that was a bad sign. They slept till 10 so Si and I both slept till 10 and I didn’t roll out of bed to asses the extent of snottiness until almost 11 by the time they’d both had ‘moilk’ (though its times like these I am sooo glad they are still feeding!) and then cereal. So it was a slow start to what has been a long day of not much day sleep and not wanting to eat anything except pretzels and then Zoe HAS to hold the bag which Izzy also HAS to hold.. you get the picture.

And it’s pretty much been another day on my own. I guess I am starting to resent so much time spent dealing with everything on my own because I lost the plot this afternoon after the girls had destroyed the living room and then just point blank ignored me when I asked them to help me tidy up. I yelled. I yelled so loudly and I know I shouldn’t. The worst thing is I know it doesn’t achieve anything. At the time, I think it will make me feel better… release some of the immense amount of tension I am feeling, but in the end it only adds to is and makes me feel crap. The girls cry. They get soooo upset when I loose it and yell, and really you can’t blame them.

By the time I had finished my yelling and throwing things around the room in order to pack them away (yes I know a great role model aren’t I!) we were all in tears. The three of us just sat in the middle of the floor and cried. The girls wanted Daddy or Nanny or really anyone who wasn’t this monster of a mother they have been left with day after day and quite frankly a cuddle from my Mum would not have gone astray for me either.

When we finally calmed down some I yanked dinner out of the oven and set them up on the floor in the living room eating fish fingers, frozen chips and frozen vege infront of a DVD… something I never thought I would resort to.. crap food, eaten infront of the TV. But bugger it… we all needed a break from each other and at least that way we got it. The girls zoned out while they shoveled processed crap into their mouths and I hung out the nappies.

A bit of fresh air and a few minutes to think… so random thoughts from nappy hanging go something like this…

* I need to get out of bed at a decent hour in the mornings. Regardless of when the girls get up, or how much I hate mornings I NEED to make myself do this. We loose so much time while I loll around in bed that we could spend doing stuff, fun stuff, nice stuff, together stuff. So the plan is to be up no later than 8:30 am and only allow myself one morning a week to loll in bed – preferably when Si is home and gets up to spend time with the girls, or after a bad night infomercialling with Izzy.

* To achieve the above I need to go to bed at a REASONABLE HOUR. So I have decided that I need to head to bed no later than 11:30. That still gives me time to wind down and read for a while if I want and then a possible 8ish hours of sleep… which surely is enough for even me who does love my sleep. I mean I coped on way waaaay less when the girls were little!

* We need to do more fun stuff. I want to spend these extra hours in the mornings doing more fun stuff, either just the girls and I or (god forbid) all of us as a family. We used to go to the library once a month and get new books, we need to do that again. I need to start planning some more fun activities for the girls and I to do together…. I mean gees I am a damn preschool teacher my kids should have activities coming out their ears! We need to cook together more… the girls love it and it means we have more decent yummy stuff to eat.

* I need to get out of the house more and get active. The plan is to make sure we go outside for at least an hour every day and that a few times a week we go somewhere and do something … anything. I need to go find somewhere I can push the pram so I can get a bit of fresh air and exercise and then maybe a quick park play. I think it would do us all the world of good.

* I need to talk to Si about getting back into at least a semi regular family time and ‘me time’ routine eventually. He has such an awful lot on his plate right now that I am not going to bring this up for a while though.

It kills me that he has so many things he has to do right now. I HATE that he has to work OT so we can afford the few extras like new shoes and a splurge on fruit or meat other than mince. We’ve never been living this close to our means before. We always had two incomes and always had money to spend as well as money to save as long as we weren’t silly. (and anyone who knows me knows I am NEVER silly with money, infact I am a bit of a tight arse really!) Even after I stopped working we had no mortgage on our old house so things were a LOT less tight and I had lots of savings to ‘play with’ if needed. Now it really kills me that I don’t earn anything and while I know the choices we made to move here and to put all the extra money into the mortgage and live like this for a while is the right decision for our future… it still kills me to see him working himself to the bone when he has so many other demands.

He has so many people pulling him in so many directions and he feels so responsible for everyone else around him. I love that he is that way and that he will always be there for his family but I worry about him too. He has barely had a moment to grieve and come to terms with his father’s death and yet he suddenly has all these extra responsibilities from it.

And I miss him a lot. I miss just talking to him and I miss him being here just to take the pressure off every now and then. I miss doing fun stuff with him. I even miss sex, which must mean we’ve barely seen each other in months!

I just feel like we all need to breathe and we can’t.

OK so it’s almost 11:30, time to leave my wayward ramblings here for another day.