A Little Bit Apart and a Whole Lot Together…
In case you hadn’t figured it out yet, our girls are identical twins. They are very similar in so many ways (except that now Zoe has three front teeth missing) and they are VERY close. They are four and a half years old and up until now they have barely been apart, and almost never by choice.
They were close even before they were born, sharing a placenta and an outer sack with only the thinnest of membranes separating them while I was pregnant. They were born within seconds of each other (we had severe TTTS so they needed to be delivered almost simultaneously to stop further damage) and although they were in isolettes for 7 weeks they were always side by side (except for a brief period when Izzy was moved to special care and Zoe was still in NICU – but then our paediatrician arrived and made sure they were put back together as Zoe had gotten noticeably worse since Izzy had been moved!).
As little babies they slept together in the same cot, then side by side in their own cots. Often we’d find them squished up each end of their cots touching fingers through the bars and when they were bigger they’d climb out and sleep together now and then. These days they share a room, but don’t often share a bed for the whole night – apparently Izzy snores and Zoe kicks in her sleep- so they only share for book reading and whispering and giggling.
Now as preschoolers they have what I’d call a love-hate relationship – they fight and fight and fight and fight some days, but within a millisecond they are back being best friends again. They often demand to wear the exact same outfits, or fight over who gets to wear what clothes. They both complain bitterly about the injustices performed by the other, but fall to pieces at the thought of being ‘alone’. Last year when Zoe was hospitalised with asthma Izzy fell apart. She was surrounded by love, in familiar surroundings with people she knew, but when she was away from her sister she simply didn’t cope.
I decided early on that I would never force my twins to be ‘apart’, to do things on their own. I would never force them to be in separate classes at school, or to choose separate interests or hobbies. In my mind, there are a lot of not so great things about being a twin but the one really wonderful thing is that you will always have your twin, you will always have someone that knows you better than anyone else in the whole world, so the idea of making them be apart seemed wrong to me. I always thought that one day they would start going their separate ways now and then, of their own accord.
I still maintain that stance. I still won’t put them in separate classes at school unless they ask to be, and I won’t ever force them to be apart if they don’t want to… but we have now come to a point where we feel we need to start encouraging them to be a little more separate.
Before the hospitalisation incident I could see signs of them beginning to separate from each other a little more, but since then all the signs have vanished and they have gone from being simply ‘close’ to being some what ‘co-dependant’. If one cries, the other cries. If one wants a cuddle, the other has to have a cuddle…. these things are all fine and normal, but we went through this when they were toddlers, and came out the other side until the hospital separation caused a giant leap backwards. Back then I agonised over this same issue of separation, but back then we just had a wait and see attitude… but we’ve waited and we’ve seen now.
These days I am beginning to feel that being ‘close’ and ‘always together’ is hindering them a little… their social development is struggling, joining in with a group is harder, making their way in the outside world seems to demand that they are able to separate every now and then. Part of me wants to fight the ‘outside world’ and tell them all to ‘get used to it, they came as a pair, they stay as a pair’…. but part of me can also see that this is the logical next step for them to mature and to be able to join in and do things that I am sure they would enjoy.
So here we are, four and half years down the track from when this matching pair came into our lives and we have begun to gently encourage them to be apart… just every now and then, for a little while.
Thankfully for me, my fears and uncertainty have been blown out of the water by the girl’s responses. I was worried they would simply blanket ban any suggestion of one going with Daddy and one going with me, but they have actually taken to it without any fuss at all! So far we haven’t been pushing too hard, just taking baby steps and making sure everyone is happy with the status quo and doing something fun. So far being a little but apart and a whole lot together has helped with the fighting, the general whiney behaviour and their confidence at kinder and in a large group… so hopefully it is onwards, upwards and together-apartness from here on in!
I think this is one of those really tricky twin “issues” that must be hard for others who don’t have twins to get. I don’t have twins so I don’t have any answers, but it sounds to me like you are trusting your instincts really well and the girls are probably benefiting from your very considered approach to this. My brother has twins who are not identical (obviously since they are boy and girl) and they are so alike yet so different in so many ways. They are now 8 and in Year 2 (last year) for the first time were put in separate classes, which has been really fantastic for them. My nephew has really developed out of his sister’s shadow and they have quite distinct identities now. It’s so different for all twins though and I agree that the thought of forcing a major separation sounds like a really traumatic thing to do to them.
Kate, I so get you on this and my girls are fraternal.
I never wanted to sperate them unless they wanted it. When they went to school I insisted against policy that they stay together and they agreed, so long as I agreed to seperation in year one.
They soon learnt what a bad move that was because Immy and Maddy just could not live without each other at that point.
We had issues with hospitalisation as well and it’s funny now we are going through all of it again with Ivy, maddy, the same girl who had real problems when her twin was in hospital, is falling apart again with every Ivy stint we do.
The girls are quite happy to have time alone now but it wasn’t until they were in oh, about third or forth grade that I noticed they had moved away from that co dependancy you describe. Even now, if they are away from each other for long periods of time, I notice when they are back together they live out of each other’s pockets for a while.
It’s something I don’t really understand but also something that I marvel at and I wonder how different it is going to be with boy/girl twinnies.
Noah came into the hospital today and clambered up onto Ivy’s bed and said, “Ivy, I kiss all the hurts better”. it was so sweet. They just lay together in happy silence.
I totally know what you mean ! Y and E are of course not identical but oh so close the longest they have spent apart is about an hour. We try to seperate them but they are not buying it yet maybe in a few years.
What a precious post.
It is one many parents of twins struggle with. I took one of the boys Sam shopping alone last week. He was so concerned when I leaving the shop that we had left his brother behind and kept calling for him.
Joel was at home with Daddy, when he woke up he had a meltdown because he couldn’t find S or me.
They do play apart at playgroup but then suddenly realise the other isn’t near them and they will start calling and looking.
I hear you too on the love hate – and fighting one minute then friends rolling around and giggling the next.It is cute and funny at times.
You write so well about twins and things we have to encounter. I think you do such a great job with something that has no right and wrong answers. We are facing exactly the same thing too.