Easy Ways to Connect With Older Kids
One of the best parenting hacks I know is to make an effort to really connect with your kids.
Even if you are short on time, these easy ways to connect with older kids can really help to flip your relationship from negative to positive.
“Research shows that we need at least five positive interactions to each negative interaction to maintain a healthy, happy relationship that can weather the normal conflicts and upsets of daily life.” – Aha Parenting
So much of positive guidance and parenting is grounded in having a strong positive connection with our kids, so this simple tip of working on having more positive interactions than negatives ones is important.
I used to think the 5:1 ratio was pretty easy to manage most of the time, but as my kids have gotten older, and busier, I sometimes stop and realise that I’m not doing so great with this.
If I’m honest, I have to admit that sometimes my ratio almost flips and becomes 1:5. With so much time spent directing, organising and hurrying my kids, while these interactions may not be super negative they are definitely not super positive and they don’t nurture the kind of relationship I want us to have.
I’m finding it really important to intentionally focus on my 5:1 when it comes to my school age and tween-age kids and I know it will be even more important as they become teenagers, but it’s not always easy.
I am busy, my kids are busy. The day to day stresses of getting everything done often seems overwhelming and there isn’t much time or energy left for anything. But connecting with your kids in a positive way doesn’t have to be a production. It is the little things that always seem to make the biggest impact when it comes to this.
So I’m refocusing on the 5:1 ratio and putting a little extra effort into making sure I have more positive interactions with my big kids.
Here are ten easy ways to connect with older kids:
- Ask open questions
On the way home from school, in the car, at dinner get in the habit of asking them questions. Try to ask an open question like “did anything cool happen today?” and even if they only give a one word answer it is the asking that is important. If you need more ideas try these questions to ask your daughter, and these to ask your son, or try these fun this or that questions for kids to get the conversation started. - Write a note, email, or text.
They may not always be available for a chat, but you can write a note or send an email any time. A short message about something positive you noticed them doing, or just something funny is a quick and easy way to connect - Ask them to help you with something
It might sound boring, but asking them to help with something – cooking dinner, doing the shopping – makes them feel useful and important, and is chance to chat and work together. - Share Memes.
If you see something they’d like on instagram, or youtube, or Tiktok, save it and share it with them when you have a moment. (This is also a great opportunity to teach kids about social media and how to use it) - Take an interest in things they like
Even if you are not all that keen, learning about the things they like is a great way to connect, and you never know, you might enjoy it more than you think! - Let them stay up late.
Carve out a little extra time together by letting them stay up a little later than usual every once in a while. - Do something spontaneous!
It doesn’t have to be a big, grand gesture, just a little surprise can really make their day. For example, we had a little extra time so I we randomly stopped to get slushies on the way to dance class. - Seize little moments to play.
Even big kids need to be playful sometimes. Try a little sock basketball, challenge them to get the cookie from their forehead to their mouth without using their hands, build with Lego, join in wii dance… - Be silly with them.
When their favourite song comes on the radio in the car, turn it up LOUD and sing! Or do something else silly and spontaneous to make their day. - Make time to say goodnight
Older kids might not need you to tuck them in anymore but a hug or a quick chat at bedtime is worth the effort.
Are you parenting 9-12 year olds?
What is your ratio of positive to negative interactions like?
How do you connect with your older kids?
More Tips for Parenting Tweens.
If you are in the thick of parenting 9-12 year olds you might also like these tips and real life parenting stories:
Love this post Kate. As the kids get older you do really have to think more creatively about ways to connect.
You really do. Who knew I’d look back and think those early days were actually easier in many ways!
fab tips
Great ideas, I feel like there is much less time to just hang out once school starts. We start the afternoon on a much better note if we sit and have a snack together after school.
Thanks for sharing your parenting wisdom :-)
Gorgeous post Kate and a very important reminder to those with older children.
Great comments Kate. I can resonate with pretty much all of those points for my 8 year old. He really loves a long hug, kiss, back tickle in bed – he also loves that he can stay up late sometimes and play a game with me, I don’t get much response to the “anything cool happen at school” question – but he does love feeling like he has some big boy responsibilities – I often ask him to be in charge of overseeing his little brothers teeth brushing, toys packing up etc. He is growing up to be such a rounded confident young man :)
Thanks for this, Kate! My husband and I are a Blended Family of 8 years. Right now our oldest is 18 (I SWEAR that she was born a week ago) two 16 year olds, two 14 years, and our baby girl just turned 12. I’ve been very sick, and it began almost 5 years ago. I have genetic conditions that I was born with, and there have been many clues throughout the years, but I was never diagnosed. First of all, I have 4 different conditions that aren’t connected to one another (I know! What’s up with THAT??? ????) . 2 of the 4, unfortunately, are terminal. As a child, I had a lot of “clues” but because these illnesses are very rare, I understand that that I wouldn’t have been diagnosed because at least 2 had not been even known of. Another unfortunate fact for me- both of my parents were very abusive alcoholics and drug addicts. I went to the dentist once and he told my mother I had a severe skeletal issue that he could fix because of its’ severity. My jaw was completely out of place, and a full 2 in. at least. He told my Mom I needed to see a specialist because I had a severe skeletal issue. Just by looking at my back (a DENTIST) how severe my scoliosis was. Well, doctors cost money and money in our home had a much better use, and they gave me life and usually food and a home (except in summers when we could just camp.). I SO wish I was making it up. Anyway, I had many symptoms at age 36, and this time, they didn’t correct themselves as quickly and we discovered that one issue, a serious one, is that my Autonomic Nervous System is dysfunctional. So, throughout my life, different organs, would be affected. I also have a very aggressive autoimmune disease that has never been seen. I was diagnosed at Mayo Clinic in Rochester MN. They discovered it and as I said, has never been seen. Side fact- Mayo has a research team studying it, but I pray I’m the one and only stricken. They do believe I’ve always had it, and it would come out of remission during other illnesses. The last time, at 35- I had an emergency appendectomy and 6 weeks later, a serious dislocation of my hip and knee that I couldn’t get back in place (this is common from one of my other conditions-Ehler’s Danlos. It’s a connective tissue disorder- but not discovered until about 1998. It means that I’m extremely “flexible”, but every part of me, veins, arteries, organs, etc. So, when the orthopedist couldn’t fix my hip, I needed another emergency surgery. The theory is that having two surgeries within 6 weeks, made my nervous system go into failure- which is very serious. I couldn’t stand up without fainting, couldn’t control certain organs, my pituitary gland also malfunctioned, so all of my hormones were sent all out whack. Too much of this not as much of that. I’m still married but it’s really destroying my marriage. I want to thank you for posting this. I’m still bed-bound (for the most part) at home, and this illness has de aster my family. These are good ideas to bring some joy into our home. I feel very isolated and lonely- and I’m trying to make us all feel connected… My husband is very angry at me I think, for the drastic change. I’m happy to find this cheerful and informative blog.
Oh goodness… is sounds like you’ve really been doing it tough!
I hope you are able to find a few happy moments to connect with your family.
Kate, Your article is great! As a new empty nester, I look back and realize I did a few things right, who knew? As kids get to preteens they some really need a strong bond, preferably already, to their Mom and Dad, and I found the best thing is to not react negatively or harsh when they ask a question about something that freaks you out!
Also, they need to experience some mistakes to learn, and they need a little freedom to learn. For example: knowing most kids will try drinking, we told ours to please call if they ever drink too much or are uncomfortable in any situation. Sound silly but I grew up with none of this stuff being talked about and it really alienated me from my parents at a time when I needed to know I could ask them anything. I didn’t feel close to them. A connection is #1!
Jennifer, I will never understand why some people have an easier life than others but your willingness to find joy in life is very inspiring. My husband was sick with cancer a few years and it was devastating so I can relate a little. I hope you find relief and that Mayo finds life providing answers for your condition. I hope you find positive support also, I know your husband probably is grieving from your pain.
I have 6 kids and 3 of them are in that paticular age range. It is harder to connect for all the reasons you list and this is also made more difficult by them testing their independence and pulling away. It is rare that the opportunities for connecting appear when they are receptive! I suppose it’s one of those things that we just keep plugging away at and hope they start to come back to us when they’ve ready! I enjoyed this article, thanks.
Thank you for this.
Great post!
Arrgh! The thought of my little kids getting bigger is scary (and approaching more quickly than I’d like to admit). This is great food for thought, thank you Kate.
Thank you for these ideas! And I too lately have been on the flip-side of the 5:1 ratio. Glad to hear I am not alone.
Other ideas from your readers would be welcome!
Pia
Love this! Great tips. Good ideas to stay connected. All these things add up and spending time together enjoying each other is one of the best ways to investment in your relationships. Sharing this post.
Great ideas! I love posting things to my kids Facebook pages or pming if it might be embarrassing. It helps them see I am into what they are doing and thinking about them. I even send articles about really important stuff that I think might be a better way of getting attention than another nag session from mom!
Oh wow, I loved this. I’m so glad the Abundant Mama pointed me here today! I completely agree that we see more about connecting with younger kids, when really, it’s connected with older ones that is the challenge.
My brother and his wife are awesome at connection with their tween girls. As I read this list, I realized they do a lot of what you’ve suggested! I’m going to make sure to do them with my kids, too. Thanks, Kate! (pinning!)
Oh it’s so nice to have someone close who has older kids and can be a bit of a role model. :)
I have only one kiddo, so I bet it’s easier to connect!
He is 8, and we have a few things that help us connect.
. We walk back from school together, and actually walk whenever we can. After a few minutes of comfortable silence ( which is also a great way to connect) , he always has something to share!
.He has a table in my studio, and when he is working on his homework in the diner room, I join in with my laptop. One again , we don’t always talk. Nonverbal connection, doing the same thing at the same time, it’s cool.
.When it’s not a school day, I try to make one fun, memory happy thing with him. Today I taught him how to use a utility knife ( with a grownup around), so he could cut out some patterned paper to learn origami with me. Activities this week included building a rocket, peeling apples, and sewing. All activities slightly dangerous , I know, but I pay close attention and it teaches him selfconfidence,and a sense of pride…And I like being the one who gave him this!
.I have a shelf in my studio with favorite, beautiful tays : a set of electronics, a cool puzzle, an amazing memory. These are our precious treasures, and activities we enjoy together. Playing with those needs a special occasion,soit help us connect because it’s special.
Thanks for your advice, I can’t wait to try your ideas!
I like to ask my son to walk the dog with me in the evenings. Often we aren’t half a block away before he starts to dish about his day or something that’s been bugging him. Also completely agree with having a bedtime routine that includes going into their bedrooms to say good night and to see (or hear) what they’re reading.
5 minute dance party. It makes everyone happy, active and you can do it anytime, anywhere. Our current favourite? Chubby Checkers “let’s twist again”. My boys (4 and 8) go bananas!
Awesome tips! Thank you so much.
This is such a great list. I’m not the biological mother, but I am helping raise my younger brother – 12 – and I’m about to be 22. I’m the more nurturing and responsible mother figure/big sis, while my mom plays the financial role. I’m in no way talking bad about my mom because she is making sure we survive and have what we need for school and to live, so I’m fine with taking on the part-time mom role. Actually, I’ve been my brother’s “mom” since I was about 10, super long story to that. I do appreciate the tips! It’s been getting quite difficult with a 12 year old boy, especially since this is a critical development point in his life right now. Patience is a virtue and I need all the help I can get.
XOXO
Some brilliant tips. The ways i connect with my boys are
Boardgames night also have incentives to play if we play bingo they win money sweets etc.
Also when we have tea together we all muck in getting drinks cutlery and talking about there days.
I have 8 & 9 &10,l do most of them.l have 2 girls & 1 boy.the boy is 9.sometimes I watch tv with them,their favorite cartoon.it’s so funny.thanks for this post.