Your kid isn’t healthy if they only eat two carrot sticks and a vegemite sandwich a day.
If your kid doesn’t eat enough meat/fish/veggies/tofu you’ll stunt their brain development and they’ll be stupid.
Make sure you give your kids lots and lots of dairy, ‘for their bones’.
But don’t give them full fat dairy, there is a childhood obesity epidemic don’t you know.
Sugar is evil. Or is it fat? Or preservatives?
Maybe we should be vegan, or eat like Neanderthal man?
Is it worth selling your soul to buy all organic?
Research says….
My Mother told me…
I read an article…
The Maternal and Child Health Nurse said…
When did eating a meal with your family become so fraught with anxiety?
When did food become such a battle ground?
We want our kids to eat healthy, but sometimes we’d settle for them eating anything at all, regardless of the nutritional content.
We watch and worry about every mouthful they eat, or don’t eat.
We disguise and rearrange and hide food.
We enforce rules about trying everything… having 3 more mouthfuls… having to clean your plate.
We worry about becoming short order cooks… about spoiling our kids… about setting ourselves up for future problems.
I’ve been there.
I am still there, often.
I’ve wondered and worried about it all. I’ve even lost my mind on the odd occasions and screamed like a banshee at my non-eating child in a desperate attempt to get her to eat more than one grain of plain rice.
I been to all those places and back again, and I’m sick of it.
I don’t want food to be a constant battle.
I don’t want whether or not my child eats and what they eat, to somehow be inextricably linked to whether I am a good mother, to whether they are ‘good children’.
I don’t want food to be associated with fear, frustration, manipulation and guilt.
What message are we sending to our kids when food becomes such a big deal?
When we disguise vegetables in meals, how can we ever expect our kids to know them, appreciate them and eat them? When we try to trick our kids about what is in food, aren’t we just cultivating a culture of mistrust and deception?
When we don’t respect our children’s food preferences, when we fight them, coerce them and try to force them to eat, aren’t we just making food something horrible, dark and controlling?
Isn’t this the stuff that eating disorders are made from?
I want food to be healthy and nutritious but above all, enjoyable. I want sharing a meal to be a fun, happy event, the stuff childhood memories are made of.
I want my children to grow up understanding what food is healthy, and what is not so healthy. I want them to know what real food is, and where it comes from. I want them to develop their own tastes and preferences. I want them to be confident to try new things. I want my children to have a fun, healthy, respectful attitude to food.
How the heck am I going to manage all that??
I’m not really sure, but I know one thing, the first thing I am going to drop from my menu is guilt.
It is my job to provide good, healthy, tasty, interesting food. It is not my job to make my children eat.
If I want to encourage a healthy attitude to food I need to respect my children’s tastes and preferences. I need to trust that they know how hungry they are and accept their choice not to eat on occasion. I need to be open and honest about food, not hiding, or disguising food in an attempt to trick my children into eating it.
That doesn’t mean that I will cook six different meals, but I will always try to offer a range of options within a meal, especially if I know someone doesn’t like the main course. For example; two of my kids don’t like spaghetti bolognase, I don’t plan to take that off the menu but I will offer for them the options of plain pasta with cheese and olives.
Being respectful of other’s food choices and preferences doesn’t end with my children. It is not my job to judge other’s food choices, I only know what is right for me and my family. Respecting and learning about other’s interests, circumstances and choices is a good thing for both my and my children to do.
I’m going to read about new food ideas and diets with interest but not guilt. I’m going to stop worrying about sugar and fats and this and that. Instead I am going to try to be more knowledgeable and aware about what is in the food we eat and focus on providing ‘real’ food for my family, trying to limit heavily processed foods. I’m going to make sure my children learn about food, that they know where food comes from and involve them in growing it, shopping for it, and preparing it when I can.
My family will eat a range of healthy foods, as well as enjoying less healthy treats on occasion, with no guilt or lecture.
Really I am just muddling through all this like everyone else. I don’t have any magical answers to get kids to eat more of x and less of y. I don’t have all the knowledge or an enormous food budget, or unlimited time, or killer kitchen skills…
In fact I don’t have any of those things. But I believe that being informed, and respectful is a big part of healthy eating, and that worry and guilt is not. So this is my beginning… what is yours?
umatji says
oh yeah. such an amazing point about disguising food and then expecting children to recognise and enjoy it! fabulous had so not thought of that. Must confess to telling my boy at about age 3 that red capsicum tasted like chocolate and you know what? he totally agrees – STILL! and he eats chocolate occasionally (and obsesses about it sadly) so he knows what I mean, i think?!
good luck with that – we are on a similar crazy kinda bandwagon.
katef says
I have had a bee in my bonnet about the hidden food thing ever since that celebrity book came out (was it by Seinfeld’s wife?). I just find it so deceitful and belittling. And while it might get veggies into your kids now, it certainly won’t help them develop diverse tastes and encourage them to try new things… Oh that’s almost a whole other ranty post topic! LOL
katesaysstuff says
You ready know that I love this post to death right? :)
Glowless says
I think letting our kids appreciate where food comes from (and I don’t mean from the pantry) has to be a good thing. I am so far blessed with a “good eater” but his tastes and preferences are quite well defined as evidenced by him spitting out tomato in any shape or form from every meal, disguised or not.
katef says
We all have food preferences… and while I think it is good to encourage children to try new things when they have an obvious dislike, like your gorgeous boy, I don’t understand why we don’t respect that. We’d never try to coerce and adult into eating something they said they didn’t like would we?
Siobhan says
I agree, I gave up trying to make my Miss 2 eat her fruit and veg when it was pointed out to me by my husband that neither he, nor I ate vegetables as children and we eat them all now (except Zucchini….which I have to agree with my girl is really really yuk!). It has taken a huge amount of pressure off me and her and made dinner time so much more pleasant. I still worry about how little she eats, but I think as mum’s we worry about everything and if it wasn’t food it would be something else If you can find the button that switches that off please let me know.
Jodi Gibson @ The Scribble Den says
You make some great points. Food and eating should be enjoyable, and at meal time I believe is more important that we sit down together as a family than worry about eating everything on the plate. It’s hard being a parent though and it is one of those constant ‘worries’ we have. 6 nights out of 7 we will have something that mostly everyone likes and one night there will be something a bit different, like a new stir fry or something. I like to introduce new things and think it is good for variety. I don’t go overboard with the kids having to eat it but at least try and get some amount of food into them. So far so good. Miss 3 still eats not much other than pasta but Miss 13 is now very diverse. And the others are ‘in between’. :)
katef says
The food thing can be such a constant worry. I have twins who were fab eaters till they hit about 3.5…. then we went through a year or two where one ate next to nothing. I nearly lost my mind at times, but we have come out the other end and she didn’t starve, she didn’t get some terrible disease, her growth wasn’t stunted (she has an ID twin sister to compare her too LOL) and all I got was a load of guilt and worry. So I’m trying my hardest to give it up and just enjoy meals with my family!
tan says
Amen to that!
Fiona says
Love this, we all begin here as parents. Constant new information, conflicting information and confusing information. Like the breastfeed debate/debacle. In the end I think what will be will be. I want my girls to grow up with a healthy love and respect for food. I do not want them to be fearful, critical and overwhelmed by trying to decipher all of the food code in order to avoid harmful yellow 000 and paralysing pink 666!
I had a basic food upbringing, but was very limited in the sweets department and that lead to a massive overconsumption and indulgence on these items, when I became a financed member of society.
Everything in moderation I say, even if it means Monsanto’s hidden chemical specials in specially marketed party food! I do my best to provide good wholesome food and cook treats/snacks, but I am not going to guilt myself out unnecessarily. What will be will be.
Sarah says
Hear hear!
I figure if I offer an assortment and variety of whole foods and it is available, then my little ones will eat a well balanced diet because it is their choice, ie not forced to eat ‘healthy’. If given the options and responsibility, they will eat what they need, when they need. It’s usually the case with us adults, so why not give the children some responsibility too (I just don’t offer ‘sugary junk’ foods – some of our sweets are what we call ‘brawnies’ a raw version of the brownie, it’s basically just almonds, dates and cacao, or the like…).
We should be striving to have a well balanced nutritional week, not just a day or meal – kids are kids and that is just small adults – they model themselves on us, so we need to eat balanced for them to too…
Treats are just that, and are a part of a healthy life, they are needed … and as much as we try to eat healthy on most parts, Birthdays and parties and special occasions are for all the ‘bad’ stuff that is good fun and is a choice we learn to make for ourselves, our kids included.
Boo to all the recommendations, they should be taken with a grain of salt (ha ha) and eaten in moderation (ha ha ha) – there is no point getting frazzled if we don’t do ‘right’ by this plan and that idea or that diet or or or …
There, that’s my rant shared lol :)
Trish says
Well said rant Kate. I so hear you and love this post too.
I agree I have too admit ‘coercing’ one of my children to eat – since he ate nothing but plain rice or custard for months – year (with a healthy appetite for lollies & choc though if he could).
As a baby he NEVER ate pureed , mashed or any baby food homemade or store bought. He just gagged and vomited. I was told to starve him and stop BFing to make him eat even at 7-8 months. I didn’t :).
I had to really PUSH him to try & eat some vegetables – he still eats only raw carrot & cooked beans with NO seeds & lettuce ! Some times corn now. Loves some meat luckily. Loves most fruit thank fully.
He is much better – he hates bolognaise too. I give him chopped up chicken, raw carrot and pasta & cheese now most of the time because I hate battles and guilts. I don’t mind cooking other stuff for him because it is easier than the battle.
I hope growing our own vegies at the farm might help him more.
I think we have a responsibility to model good food eating behaviours – healthy and not so choices included as sometimes food. Setting some limits but not to be so rigid we take enjoyment out of sharing mealtimes and cooking adventures.
We can’t deny they won’t be exposed to these things at school and parties and want what they are missing.
Caz says
Hearing you kate! (Did this come up from the twittersation last night?). And it’s not just food either. Where has the common sense approach gone??? Can we no longer trust ourselves to bring our children up? I’m so tired to bending to all of the guilt inspiring trends and research. Just yesterday I decided I’m going to trust myself in the future and not look to others or experts for guidance as much. B.A.L.A.N.C.E – it’s my anchor in life!! Great post :)
katef says
I’d actually had this post in draft for a while, but last night’s fabtwittersation pushed me over the edge and got me to actually post it!
Love your ‘Balance’, it works for so many things!
Megan at Writing Out Loud says
Love this.
As you know I have a couple of food issues that make me rant ;) but I also have a girl who’s a GREAT eater. I’ve never hidden vegies or tried to get her to eat if she’s not hungry (she was born 10 pound so I knew she wouldn’t fade away at any point if she missed a meal!!) – having said that, I don’t judge those who do any of those things. I’m not in their world, I don’t know the background and it’s none of my business.
We’re trying to be healthier here but as you say, making food enjoyable and delicious is the most important thing.
katef says
I think your ranting about food issues… which means you’ve obviously thought about this stuff instead of blindly following advice or fads or not caring at all… I am betting that has been a really positive influence on your gorgeous and spunky girl!
Lulu says
I love this post. Feeding a toddler, and now a baby, can be so stressful. I disguise some veggies in my toddlers food but he also gets some “whole” on his plate as well. He will eat homemade pizza though no matter what I put on it even though he can see the veggies since the cheese is underneath….he will even pick off and eat the veggies.
Spinach and bean sprouts are the only two veggies he will eat plain. So weird. But hey…better than nothing!
I offer him something he probably won`t eat every lunch and dinner in the hopes he will eventually turn around and eat carrot sticks, cucumber slices or homemade meatballs. I am still hoping but I know he won`t be like this forever.
I was a terrible eater growing up but turned out fine and eat a bunch of different stuff now. Even in the 7 years I have lived in Japan I have started to eat a lot of foods I never ate before living here.
katef says
I think offering new foods in an enjoyable environment, is one of the best things you can do. You can’t make him like it, but you can model that it is good to try new things and that sometimes tastes change and one day he might like it…
Lee says
Awesome post Kate. I could not agree more.
Nee Say says
Great post. These days m boys are far from fussy eaters but we have certainly had our battles. I often wonder if it’s all worth it. Conflict at the dinner table is not good for digestion I’m sure!!
nic says
Very well said Kate. It took me ages to get my mind around this stuff. But I compare who my partner grew up, being forced to eat everything on his plate whether he was full or not, or if he liked it or not. And that did cause long lasting damage, and obesity. So now, Im quite relaxed, I like them to give something a try, but I dont get all hung up about it anymore. And as a result, there no more arguments and stress surrounding food.
katef says
It’s taken me ages too…. I still have my moments when I internally lament over the pickiness of a certain child of mine (who used to eat everything!) but I try to remember that it’s really just not worth it!
NIchole says
Thanks Kate. I have never tried to battle my daughter Miss 2 at home becuase she just won’t eat at home. She loves to eat everywhere else but home. We serve her dinner every night she sits at the table for the conversation but just not for the food. Dinner is always sent as her lunch the next day and she usually goobles up like no tomorrow. Sometimes I think we have to trust that we are mums and dads we are not going to let our kids starve and all things in moderation made the generations before us and we all survived.
Kelly Exeter says
100% with you Kate. Food and eating is one area that I have decided not to make a battleground.
I provide you with a meal – if you eat it, good, if you don’t like it and want to eat yoghurt for dinner 3 nights in a row – all good. Don’t want to eat anything tonight? No worries.
I subscribe to the theory that (most) children will naturally ensure that they get everything they need over the course of a few days (ie it all averages out in the end)!
Amanda says
Totally agree with you. I’m a bit over each new eating fad that comes along and at the moment if I read another post about limiting your child’s fruit intake because of sugar I will … well, be quite annoyed. Of course I’m also blessed with a fantastic eater (he cried when we left his grandmother’s the other night because she wouldn’t let him eat his spinach pie then and there, we were meant to take it home and have it for dinner) so it’s easy. I just try to be moderate about everything and he hasn’t yet had any proper sweets/lollies/chocs as he’s only 18 months old and hasn’t figured out what they are yet. When he starts asking, then they will be there but in moderation. As with everything!
Bright & Precious says
I love love love this post. Yay! I’m taking guilt of the menu as of NOW!
Super Sarah says
This is one of my favourite posts of yours OF ALL TIME! Thank you for being so honest and refreshing and just for saying that which SO MANY of us are thinking! My girls eat well, some of the time, badly some of the time and not much at all, some of the time. And you know what… you are right, no more food battles or guilt or bribery. Just good food and family!
limor says
loving you right now!! you know i think about every parent in the world needed to say all that! you have made my week! food me and the kids is a constant battle. Maybe just maybe that battle in now over!
Kate Sins says
Don’t know whether I should feel guilty or relieved that I don’t worry about what food my kids eat. As long as it’s not constant chocolate, lollies, cakes, biscuits and is somewhat ‘healthy’ (though Kate you raise a brilliant point -what is that? Paleo, vegan, no fructose, wheat-free, macrobiotic???) then we are all happy.
Mr 2 ate pasta with cheese for breakfast, lunch and dinner two consecutive days then decided he’d had enough! I work on the principle they will regulate their own appetites and eat when hungry. Having said that my 8 month old will already eat anything and it does make me sigh with the relief that comes with a ‘good eater’.
Love a ranty post kate, especially on such a pertinent topic!
katef says
No guilt… never guilt! :)
Carrie says
I’m beginning to think I have a twin in Australia ;) I have that same high chair for my youngest (IKEA, right?). And I could’ve written this blog post. Actually there are several you’ve done lately that I feel that way about!
You know what I think about nutrition? The experts haven’t figured it out. How can I be a hardnose meanie about a topic that all the educated PhD types haven’t nailed down? We research, read, Google, ask questions… and we’re all pretty much guessing at the nutrition stuff. They ALL have what sound like perfectly convincing arguments!
I’m at a place now where I try to relax and do what I think is best. And leave the rest up to the kid. Picky phases seem to come and go, and no adult rejects all green things. ;) I try to make dinnertime pleasurable and happy. I enjoyed this post and will link to it this weekend for… “lovely links”. Teehee :)
Granma Jill says
Totally agree about fighting over food.
I believe no child ever starved in a house where there is food. All you have to do is make sure they have access to healthy options, which you always do. Just stop worrying.
Sometimes you need to cajole people (not only children) into trying something for the first time but if they really don’t like it who cares! In Australia there are plenty of other things to eat.
Kate says
Amazingly this is the one thing I don’t stress or feel guilty about, but I probably should. My kids eat eat cakes and ice-cream and sometimes complete crap, but they also help themselves to apples and carrots. Sometimes they try new foods, sometimes they don’t. It is weird how my ID twins have quite different likes and dislikes and will swap parts of their dinner. I don’t force anyone to try anything, but sometimes I ask them to lick or taste something new.
I agree about the hidden vegie thing – I don’t think it solves any problem.
Erin Young says
hehe, my id twins swap food at dinner too! and they are only 20 months old. Smart little cookies aren’t they!
Annie says
We have a VERY picky eater. (with possibly some sensory issues, but no one wants to confirm that) We went to a nutritionist who told us not to make food a battle. Put what you want him to eat in front of him and if he doesn’t eat it then he doesn’t get anything else. We tried that for a week and we were ALL miserable. It was the worst week for all of us. I was grumpy because he wouldn’t eat, he was grumpy because he was hungry and then every little thing set us both off!
After that week I said that I couldn’t do it anymore. We now offer what we want him to eat and if he doesn’t eat it (all) then we let him eat his vegemite or ham sandwich. Our sanity is much more important that satisfying the five main food groups!
Deb says
I don’t understand – unless you puree it all and make them close their eyes, how can you hide veges? My kids will pick out a single piece of grated carrot if that happens to be their hate of the minute. Sure if I’m making a bolognaise type sauce I grate carrot and zucchini in with the crushed tomatoes, but that’s because that’s how I make it, not because I’m trying to hide anything.
We’ve found lots of success with fun eating – little girl loves making a lunchbox for herself to snack on the next day and we have picnics all the time. My only real stress is that I won’t cook another meal – if you’re going to reject the entire plate because it has a corn kernel on it, I’m not jumping up to get you something else.
veggie mama says
I want to hug you, high five you and come over for lunch all at once!
This is exactly what I think, and for the record, I think you’ve come up with a great solution. I’d hate to think my kid would always associate food with battles. Although I do know one grown man who won’t eat anything but chicken nuggets and chips, most kids grow up and learn to eat food. The end.
Common Sense Mummy says
Hear hear! I have tried as a new mummy to never force Little Miss (20 months) to eat anything that she doesn’t want to. As a result, she is a child who will try anything!!! I also try and really respect her internal “fullness” meters. If she says she is finished I believe her! There have been nights that she has eaten a pear and a yoghurt for dinner but I figure on those nights that at least she is getting some vitamins and some dairy. I want her to grow up loving and respecting food.
Rachelle says
That was a great read. I also try to have similar philosophy in not forcing my kids but trying to teach them about all food & then how to make the right choices.=)
Donna Germon says
Amen!
Never a truer word has been written, love it and so apt.
Lynn Reilly says
As I read this post, I kept looking up at the URL to see where I was. Is this really someone I don’t know or is this ME? Its liked you plucked the thoughts from my head and wrote them out using your keyboard. I could not agree with you more and love the way you said it. Well done! And thank you!!
Kathryn says
Oh god, I loved this so much I nearly cried. I am screaming yes! (In my head because my small people are asleep!!)
Francesca says
We are SO here. I have decided, now with 3 hungry boys, that I will not be a short order cook. I don’t have the time or energy and I’m not that passionate of a cook. But, neither will I serve my children something that I doubt they’ll like. As long as it’s something the seven of us will be able to eat, I will make it. If I know that my particularly picky middle child will not eat it, so be it. I’ll explain that he needs to try it to be able to have some dessert and if he chooses not to, he’s old enough now to own that decision. He is particularly picky so I really need to work to change his habits. My eldest eats fine as far as I’m concerned. He doesn’t like lettuce but he loves carrot, cucumber, capsicum and tomato. I won’t eat spinach but he loves fresh corn. I don’t worry at all about the things he chooses not to eat (and there are a few) because I know, on the whole, he’s a well rounded eater. But my second is not and this needs to change. It requires a lot of work on my part but so be it. And my third, so far, loves food. I want it to stay that way so my revisioning of our eating habits are as much for him and setting him as they are for the rest of us.
Great post, thank you.
Marita says
Brilliant post.
I know from experience that food colouring sends my girls nuts, so we avoid it.
In the autism world you hear of so many special diets that can help improve a childs behaviour, or (which I find odd) make your child less autistic. Gluten free, casien free, no fructose, no amines, no salycilates, and I wonder what your child is meant to eat at all. Given so many kids on the spectrum have major sensory issues around food, when you start removing foods they *will* eat because of some non-proven evil, then you end up with a child who will only eat rice crackers.
Sure if your kid has a known allergy / intolerance to a food, such as ceoliac disease, or the aforementioned behavioural issues we experience with food colouring. Then remove it, but don’t just blindly follow what others say, keep a diary, track what is going on, make an informed choice.