I really need to remember, when I can’t get to sleep, watching late night TV is not the best option.
Last night I stumbled across the last in a two part series on ABC2 called Help Me Love My Baby.
I blamed pregnancy hormones as I got all teary watching this mother of twins learning to bond with her babies. But to be honest, watching and hearing the babies crying in unison and seeing the look of shear exhaustion, confusion and fear on their mother’s face, I was right back there in the early days of our twin’s lives.
The show followed a young mum as she went to therapy sessions over a number of months to learn to respond to and bond with her babies, particularly one of them. Her beginning story was so familiar to me. She never thought she’d have twins and was still coming to terms with that fact when they were born, by c-section, eight weeks early. This Mum had other issues from her childhood that also played a part in her bonding issues but I could identify with her on so many levels.
I didn’t bond with my babies when they were born.
I would never had admitted it at the time, in fact I don’t think I had even a shred of conscious knowledge of it, but looking back, it seems so obvious. I was detached from my girls even before they were born.
When I found out there was two in there it took me a long, long, LONG time to process that idea (even now I still have moments of shear confusion when I realise it is part of my life). I was 25 weeks pregnant when things first started to go wrong. I had four weeks in and out of hospital with various procedures, medication, information, and statistics of how likely our babies were to survive. Then 11 weeks early, they were born, in a hurry, via c-section.
I cope really well with stress, and disaster, because I am practical. I think through all the scenarios (ok I worry through them) and then work out how we’ll cope in a practical sense. On the emotional side I’m not so together.
It wasn’t intentional, and I didn’t realise it, but while I was pregnant, I coped by making a little gap. Just a little space that would keep me functioning in case the worst happened. Then I dismissed the idea of loosing them and got on with being practical.
It was the same after they were born. They were both alive and fighting so perhaps I let the gap lessen a little, but it was still there. I needed that gap to get through all the crap that life with two prem babies throws at you.
Don’t get me wrong, I did love them… I just didn’t love them.
There was no rush of maternal love. There was no doey eyed moments like on the poster in the expressing room. There was just lots of practical learning, and doing, and waiting. I was good at that practical stuff, so I focussed on the stuff I was good at, and ignored the rest.
When they came home I was still good at all the practical coping stuff. Hell, I’d been a nanny, I’d worked in childcare, I had a degree in this stuff. I knew how to do all the practical stuff, but there is more to having babies than practical stuff, and there was still a gap.
When they were both sleeping I’d often catch myself looking at them and suddenly realising they were mine. They didn’t really feel like mine. They could have been someone else’s babies, babies I was just looking after for a while…. but they weren’t.
As I watched the documentary last night and saw this mother learning to gaze into her babies’ eyes to make a connection, I really felt for her. When you have two unsettled babies there isn’t much time for eye gazing. When they get upset, you get upset and stressed, which makes them stressed, which makes you stressed… it’s a vicious circle compounded by a million other little things that I’m sure lots of mother’s go through. It’s just that some of us have that little gap…
Things got better for us when the girls were around six months old. It was a combination of things, like sorting out the right medication for their reflux, getting back on track with feeding, connecting with some wonderful like minded mums, finding one or two professionals who took the time to tell me I was doing a good job…. and just time.
I started to enjoy them as well as simply cope, and the gap slowly disappeared.
I don’t have guilt over our lack of ‘bonding’ any more. I have plenty of hefty Mother Guilt over a lot of other things, but surprisingly not over this.
I was caught up in a cycle of crappy circumstances – A bucket load of stress while pregnant, a c-section well before my body even thought about giving birth, no happy post birth hormones, no babies to hold, expressing instead of breastfeeding, more buckets of stress and exhaustion while the girls were in hospital, early problems with breastfeeding, later problems with breastfeeding, reflux x2, failure to thrive x 2…..and the list goes on. Not exactly a balanced equation for building a loving bond with my first children. Given the circumstances I think the fact that we coped at all is pretty darn amazing.
I do, however, worry.
I worry about long term effects. I worry that Izzy’s melt downs and Zoe’s sensitivity are somehow related to our lack of early bonding. I worry that their social choice to stick to each other like glue forsaking all others is because of our less than perfect start. I know it might not have caused any of these things, but I also know enough to know that it might have.
I also know there is no point in worrying, but I still do.
It’s what I do, it’s how I cope.
Beautiful, honest blog post. I think you raise something that is a huge taboo.
I am sure your twins will be just fine, no one is a perfect parent at all times.
I could have written that Kate. Maybe lots of twin Mums feel exactly the same but are too afraid to share it. I remember not wanting to bond either in the first two weeks especially with one who was so much smaller and sicker and had NEC and I think I thought I can’t bond until I know they will be ok, because if I do bond and something happens it will be worse. The funny thing is I don’t have guilt over this either – it is what I had to do to survive at the time.
I can relate to this post so much Kate.
It wasn’t until after Lily was born and I realised how much time I had for her and the gazing and bonding that I saw that how I had missed out on that with Immy and Maddy. It was different again with the second set. It took me forever to bond with them properly. Somedays I still think I’ve botched everything up.
Love your honesty.
Such a brave post. I think you’ve said what a lot of mothers feel after their baby(ies) is born. Even if you do have those eye gazing moments, and don’t have all the stress and complications you had, no mother is like the ABA poster every minute of the day. I think everyone has stressful, hair-pulling times when they don’t “love love” their baby. Its a massive adjustment in your life. Yes, there’s research about early bonding (there’s research about everything isn’t there?:) but the parenting you do now and have always done is just as important and you are doing a wonderful job. I’m sure your girls have no doubt about the love and security of your home. Maybe their early experiences *will* have an effect on them – but it could be in a good way. Maybe their traumatic entry into the world also taught them how to fight and be resilient? I know its all part of being a Mum. Every time I yell at the kids or “fail” as a parent I worry I am scarring them for life, but I think we have to give ourselves credit for all the positive parenting we do too. ((hugs)) xx
I didn’t bond immediately with my first child, and she wasn’t even a twin, although breastfeeding was horrendous, I remember bawling at 2AM because she needed a feed and it was agony. When she first smiled at me though that was when I finally felt the bond. I’ve also had the mummy guilts wondering if that’s why she is anxious.
Kate I’m sure your honesty in sharing this will be an encouragement to other mums walking a similar journey. xx
I didnt bond with one of my twins well either.She was the smaller one,always grumpy…she had reflux and was not a happy girl……
it took quite a while before I fell IN love with her.
Very well said hon……….you are brave to put this out there.
How brave and strong you are Kate, to share this post. And how brave and strong you were then too. Becoming a mother takes all different forms and every journey is unique. You love all of your children and you would do anything to protect them, that is what matters most.
Thanks for sharing Kate. It must have been hard to admit this, and brave to put it down into words to share with the world. I’m sure it is going to help a lot of people to feel normal though.
A very brave and honest post. I felt that way with both my girls at times. Annie because I barely saw her for the first few months of her life, I was very sick and in hospital a lot. Heidi didn’t sleep more than 2 hours in a row and that is if I was lucky. Her first months were nightmare of sleep deprivation. But we got there and now adore each other…well I adore them and I rather hope they kind of like me a little bit :grin:
oh Kate, I can relate too to some of things & feelings you described, and your commenters.
Just like the word implies it takes time to develop a bond like glue -it strengthens with time.
I think you nailed it and their glad you (are) stuck with them.
Fabulous post, you’re a worthy and wonderful Mum xxx
So true for so many. The ‘mums’ from the Huggies ads… do they really exist? Great post.
Beautifully written, Kate and I am sure that this post will give great comfort to other mums who are going through a similar situation now.
Hello Ladies,
I am the mother from Help Me Love my Baby. Mia and Gracie are four now and I am finding motherhood more enjoyable. I still have bad days – I am sure all mothers do but I tend to feel less guilt now, we are only human. Kate, when I read your post I just burst into tears. I wish i could give you a big hug, you are so very brave.
Sophie, Hitchin, UK
Kate this is a beautiful honest post. Although your situation with preme twins is far more stressful than mine I can relate to some of these feelings. Motherhood is a time for oooing and aahing but it’s also the time where the practicalities of life go on… washing piles get higher, your body is not your own, dinner needs to be on the table, sleep ins are a thing of the past. And we are to do it all with a smile on our face and a pep in our step. Thanks for reminding me that we’re all in it together and admitting our shortcomings is an amazing help to those around us! So glad you shared this today… :-) Next feed I’m going to gaze into my daughter’s eyes instead of looking around at the washing/toys to put away!!