I am fed up.
I am totally over all the outbursts, and the defiance, and the ‘you can’t make me’, and the slammed doors.
Right now I really want to drag him back out here by his shirt and force him to pick up that damn pair of shoes and just put the freaking things away!
The last thing I feel like doing is hugging him, but I do it anyway.
I open the slammed doors and I ask him… “Do you want a hug?”
Sometimes he throws the gesture back in my face, but not today. Today he melts into my arms and cries like he did when he was a toddler, overwhelmed, and unsure.
Today, even though it was the last thing I felt like doing, even though he was being horrible, a hug is what he needed, what we both needed.
But Why?
Why should you hug your kids when they are being horrible?
Here’s why…
Because our kids learn better with love, than with punishment. A hug and a chat about what is going on will get a better response than yelling and punishment.
Because sometimes, when our kids act out, it is a cry for help. Perhaps they can’t express their big feelings in a more appropriate way, or perhaps there is something else bothering them, stressing them out, making them frustrated and a hug can open the door to talking about what is really going on so you can deal with it.
Because sometimes, when our kids feel bad about themselves, they feel like they don’t deserve kindness and respect so they don’t behave in a way that encourages people to give them kindness or respect. And when they get frustration and anger in return, their feelings are validated, they feel worse about themselves, and the vicious cycle begins. Break that cycle by offering a hug and a reminder that making a mistake does not make them a bad person.
Because one of the best ways to get our kids to co-operate is to connect. With a strong connection our kids are more likely to try to do the right thing most of the time… and in the times when they don’t, or can’t, a simple hug can be a powerful way to reconnect.
Because our love for our kids is unconditional. We might dislike the behaviour, but we still love our kids, no matter what. Our kids need to know that, and sometimes they needed to be reminded of it, over and over and over, especially when they are at their lowest.
Because sometimes it is us adults who need a hug. When our kids are hurting, or frustrated, or lashing out and we just don’t know what to do any more, sometimes it is us parents who need the connection, reassurancem and a hug.
So next time when everyone is frustrated and you or your child is losing it… offer a hug.
I know it’s hard sometimes, to beat the frustration.
I know sometimes your offer will be thrown back in your face, especially if you have older kids.
But offer anyway… because sometimes a simple hug is the best response for a kid behaving badly.
For more reasons why connecting with our kids is important check out these articles:
- Six Reasons Family Time is Worth the Effort.
- Easy Ways to Connect with Older Kids
- How to Spend One on One Time With your Kids, Even When You Don’t Have Any Time.
Mel says
Do you think this can apply to teachers as well? We have some students only 5-6 year olds who lash out, scream, don’t want to cooperate, defiant. Any parents/teachers out there who can give your thoughts?
katepickle says
I think the idea can definitely apply to teachers. The ‘hug’ is really just a metaphor for connection… the idea is to connect with your child when they are struggling, not isolate them even more. So even though some teachers may not be allowed to give much physical affection there are lots of other was they could connection emotionally with a child.
Peggy says
I think yes deffinantly. If hugging makes the child worse or are not allowed. Asking them to come hold your hand would work. Just contact that says, I still like you. Hold hands & breath together. Count as breathing in & count breathing out. Not a time for talking, until calm, because that will just rile up bad feelings. It will teach them to separate themselves & calm down when overly upset. But with you holding them, you are also teaching them they are not alone, or bad for getting upset, or hated. These things are huge!!
Essie says
That’s so helpful…am gonna try that and I hope it works..my boys have been horrible in the last 2 weeks and have shouted the loudest I can..
Victoria says
I have three boys, they are 5, 3, and 2. A common term in my house is, “let’s hug this out”. Especially, because there is a ton of aggression with three little men running around. It doesn’t always work, but a lot of times it’s all they need to put their guard down and then we can talk through it. I feel certain as they get bigger there will be less hugging, but we’ve instilled the notion of talking through something first and “softening” our emotions to better deal with the conflict. Another great thing is to ask one brother to offer another brother a hug, when someone makes a mistake or mistreats the other brother. This usually gets them laughing and remembering that they are best friends first! I appreciate your article! Thank you!
Victoria says
One more thing, this works well in marriage too! If we could come together first, in an embrace, we allow us to put our guards down and we become one again! Sometimes after a good hug, my husband and I don’t need to say anything else if there is tension between us. I know it sounds silly, but it really works. If you both walk in the door after work and the kids are needy, you are needy, he is needy… if you both meet in the middle and just embrace for 30 seconds, you can conquer the evening as one! :) Power in the human embrace!
Beth says
Yes Yes Yes!!! Brilliant. Thank you.
Sally says
I totally get this and will add a point…… Often when upset and intense, I learned as a preschool teacher of special needs and same aged peers, that it evolves into “sensory overload”. A big hug or deep pressure triggers responses that may be more positive and trigger a halt response. Extend this in anticipating a meltdown and teach the “Do you need a hug?” Attention seeking or trigger response to diffuse or eliminate a tantrum. Give it some thought and experiment! It may take repeated trials to get a more positive response. Finally, add a visual cue (stop sign or hand up as such) for further paired meaning.
Nicole Shein says
Great article! But there’s a typo towards the end; in this sentence, “loosing” should be “losing.” :)
“So next time when everyone is frustrated and you or your child is loosing it… offer a hug.”
katepickle says
thanks for catching that :)
Sharon C says
I think this is the same thing as giving your child a candy when they have a temper tantrum. Why would you reward negative behavior? My kids gets TONS of hugs. They get them when they are polite, patient , help around the house etc. My son gets rewarded when he deserves it. I think this could totally backfire. You are reinforcing bad behavior! I don’t think it’s an accident that my kids are very well behaved.
katepickle says
I don’t see it as ‘reinforcing bad behavior’, rather I see it as recognizing that the poor behavior is a sign that my child is struggling and I want to acknowledge that struggle, connect with my child, and show him that I love him unconditionally, then I am better able to teach him how to make better choices, and he is better able to take that lesson in. I don’t see a hug is a ‘reward’, but rather as a connection, a safe place to share emotions and thoughts.
Sharon C says
A hug is a HUGE reward. Better than treats, better than almost anything you could give. You can connect, empathize etc with your child without rewarding bad behavior. You might as well be the parent that gives your child an ice cream when they have a tantrum and then they are baffled why their child always acts up. I was just at a playground where I saw a kid push and then thrown sand in another child’s face. The mother went over and gave the aggressive kid a huge hug and told him that she understand he was having a hard day etc… Guess what happened five minutes later? Yup, the kid did it again, and again and again… Kids learn by good and bad consequences. Don’t reinforce the bad, reinforce the good.
michelle says
I have to agree there… no reward for pushing and throwing sand. Rather, consequences for that negative behavior. To me, a meltdown and signs of frustration are different from out right aggressive behavior.
Doing Good Together™ says
There are so many ways to connect with our children (and spouses) in big-hearted ways. Thank you for offering insight into the power of empathy in moments where it might be hard to offer. Through daily connection rituals, like storytime and projects, we can fill our kids’ “buckets” with kindness and in turn, teach them to be empathetic with others too.
Adam says
Thanks, great article but my problem is when I start to lose my patience, I no longer think rationally. I can’t think of anything over the noise of a child crying either. Whilst I agree, if I am for example telling my boy off for messing with the door because I don’t want fingers trapping and he does it again in the middle of me telling him off for the first time, I am angry and when I calm down I know the hug would have been a good idea but at the time I am thinking why you little .. .. …. So for me great if you can focus through the anger to do that. I don’t have the ability to step out of the box once my wrong buttons have been pushed. By the way your replies are great, some challenging comments there that you handled really well.
katepickle says
It’s hard to make good choices when your buttons are being pushed isn’t it! I totally know how that feels.
I think the key is working on this kind of stuff before it is actually happening. So thinking about what you can do to keep your cool or buy yourself some time to think more rationally and actually coming up with some strategies for yourself. I actually practice things I can say for those times when I know my patience will be tested so I don’t have to think rationally, I can just trot out a pre-prepared phrase which a) gives me time to think, and b) gets be started on a more positive footing. I wrote about it here https://picklebums.com/positive-first-response/
But I think the best thing you can do is to want to do better. You are already half-way there because you are trying… so keep trying!
Gwen says
I simply love this. It’s a great reminder that in our darkest hour, we all just need some love and compassion.
Mike says
That’s amazing!! There are no blue prints or PNids to life. There are a lot of valid points made in these comments. I couldn’t agree more with we need the hugs as parents. We often feel like we’re the ones fail our children. But in all honesty we’re doing our best. Society and TV build up these barriers more than we know. There is so much crap on TV nowadays it’s a wonder more parents don’t unplug from the glow of mind numbing and mood altering outlets. A hug is what makes us all feel better. The ways of expressing compassion and love is through kindness. Kindness breaks down many barriers in life. A simple hug can change the world as we know it!! Great article.
RaV says
It’s so obvious, but so often we can’t see simple and obvious solutions. Futhermore this ‘hug matter’ is not only of kids but of elders as well.
Gayle says
Is this meant for younger children, or do you think it can work with teenagers as well?
katepickle says
I think it’s good for teenagers too. My teenafers don’t always want a hug, but offering some form of connection usually works wonders. I am just at the beginning of parenting teenagers but I’d found that often their outbursts at due to something else that is going on, so offering connections and love rather than just getting cranky about the little thing that happened usually helps me get to the real cause so we can work on that and break the cycle.
Erica says
Mom may not have hugged us when we were unruly. But she made it very clear that she loved US! She was upset or disappointed with our behaviour, but loved us. And we adored her! Still do. And miss her by the day, hour, minute, second. Wish she could have lived to watch her granddaughters grow up. I am, however, grateful for her loving example, and will strive to follow it.
Liz says
This is SO TRUE! I have what can only be called a classic nightmare of a 2-year-old… I figured out a few weeks ago that the best way to combat the epic meltdowns was to give him a minute then ask if he wants a hug. He always does! And then that’s the end of it (until next time lol). It helps us both to calm down, reconnect and move forward!
Elizabeth Kemler says
Beautifully said and so true! I have tried this many times with my 5 year old and it has truly worked every time. Thank you Kate :)
Pam says
Anytime my son is I trouble (he’s 9) and crying he says “Can I please have a hug Momma?” I have to give it to him. He’s upset, I’m upset, but I still love him. And he knows that even when we’re not happy with each other, we will always love each other.
Ana Willis at TheyCallMeBlessed.org says
Just so true, Kate!!!
What a powerful message.
A hug brings healing, calms us down, makes us feel loved and connected, makes us feel like we belong and are cared for. What an important reminder – THANK YOU!
Anthony Cardinal says
Im anthony a single parent of five three girls,and two boys. Until i read and tried
What you suggested i was ready to accept and believe that i wasnt what they needed in order to become functional members in society. Im so grateful for outside perception and for being me. Iam a single aboriginal father of five and iam a wonderful ,nuturing parent and i think ill stay that way.
katepickle says
Don’t ever stop nurturing your kids! You are exactly what they need. :)
Marie-Eve says
This is my biggest challenge as a parent! I believe in this principle so much but I have a hard time applying it sometimes.
When my 5 year old gets physically agressive towards me or very mean, I want her to know this is not ok. I want her to know that when she will get out there in the world, people might not just respond back with a hug. So sometimes she’ll just have to wait a few minutes before I am emotionally ready to open back up to her.
I want also her to learn that, inversely, it is not ok for other people to get agressive towards her, and that she does not have to accept bullying. If all I did was to hug her instantly whenever she was not being nice to us, my fear is that I would model a way of responding to agression that would make her vulnerable eventually. We all have to forgive, but we also have a right to express our frustration or sadness to our kids, as we expect to te able to do outside the home with other people.
That being said, I always feel bad if I yell at her. Whenever I can ask her, with a neutral tone, to take some time out and leave me a little space for a few minutes, I feel I am demonstrating respect to us both.
I would be very interested to hear your perspective on my comment. Sorry for the English mistakes since I am French ;)
katepickle says
The idea is not to just always give a hug, immediately, and then do nothing else. The idea is to respond to the behaviour with understanding and compassion, that doesn’t mean you don’t address it.
So I think it’s not only reasonable, but good role modelling, to take a few minutes to manage your own feelings before responding when you need to. I also think it is appropriate to address the behaviour, to put her feelings into words, to explain why it is not ok, and to suggest what she could do that would be more appropriate. Giving a hug, or connecting with your child, doesn’t reward the bad behaviour, or set them up to expect that response, it meets their basic need for love and understanding. If you let the behaviour continue without addressing it, that might have those kinds of consequences, but you can guide your child to a better choice without withdrawing love and affection, and that guidance will probably be more effective because you have a good strong emotional connection.
And your english is Fabulous… so much better than my nonexistent French!
Marie-Eve says
Thank you so much for your response! I will surely reflect on that.
She is my first and from the beginning I told myself that I would surround her with love and acceptace. She was a very intense child and that posture helped us a lot to connect. However I felt completely exhausted during her second year and had to consult a social worker.
The social worker asked me what were my invividual needs as a person, and I could not provide her with an answer since I had been focused only on my daugther for over a year and a half. It struck me back then that positive parenting also required me to take care of myself. I still have to work on that but I am getting there. For me it starts with recongnizing my emotions as well as hers, and taking the time I need to process them before reconnecting with her, especially when we go through a bad day.
I read that other parents also have trouble regulating their emotions when their kids “pushed their buttons”. I have been trying to find some guidance on that lately, and will continue to do so. If you happen to have ressources to suggest regarding that aspect I would be glad to take a look at it. How can I keep my calm and not feel attacked when my kid says mean things to me?
Thank you for this blog and have a wonderfull day :)
Marie-Eve says
Ok I just saw your answer to Adam! Thank you!
I’m sorry I had not read your whole answer as I was paying attention to my kids hahaha! ?
katepickle says
I think a big part of being able to manage better as a parent is making sure you are taking care of yourself. I know that is easier said than done, but just like kids, we do better when we feel good about ourselves, so any time you can manage some self care jump at it!