“Oh I love them all the same…”
She said it with such offhand confidence that it threw me for a moment.
Does she really love all her kids totally, utterly, equally, and the same?
Because I don’t.
I have four children and I love them with all my being.
I do not love one more than I love another, but I do not love them the same.
I love them differently.
I love the girls with awe and wonder.
Even after nine years I still catch my breath with the sudden shock that they are mine, that they are here, both of them. It rocks me to my core. I have twins. I have two girls. My oldest children, who first made me a mother. They blow me away, they inspire me, and I love them with amazement.
In the early days I tried to balance out my love for them, feeling the heavy weight of guilt that one should not get more or less than the other. I have learned better.
I have learned to accept how similar they are and love them for it, and I have also learned to find joy in their differences and love them too. And even though they are identical twins and have very similar personalities, I still love them differently.
I love Zoe with a rumbling under current of amzement and excitement. What will this child become? Where will she go? Who will she be? Watching her unfold is pure joy mixed with worry and uncertainty.
I love Izzy with mama bear pride and a strong sense of advocacy. She will be who she is, no matter what anyone else thinks of it, I will make sure of it.
And the boys? They may look alike but they are as different from each other as they are from their sisters.
I love Morgan with ferocity and passion. I have to, he demanded it of me from the moment he was born. My love for him makes me punch the air and be proud of being a mother even as it pulls at my heart.
I love Noah with a grin and a giggle. He is sunshine and dancing music. He is like that random Lego that you step on in the middle of the night… even when he is driving you bonkers you can’t help but love him.
I love my kids, more than I ever thought possible.
I love them wildly, with fear and excitement, with every part of me, with smiles and tears…. but they are different people so I love them differently.
The same, but different.
How do you love your children?