When I first became a Mum I was a little surprised about how divisive the whole parenting gig could be, but I soon found myself falling into step with the gig and contributing to the ‘Mummy Wars’ in my own small way.
I tried not to be outwardly rude or mean, but inside I was making judgements. I judged people I didn’t know, and people I thought I knew. I judged them on what I thought were the choices they made for their children.
She’s not like me – I do this with my kids I would never do that!
I’m not like her – I am not over the top about that or slack about this!
She’s not like me, I’m not like her – I make different choices… better choices.
Somewhere among those sleep deprived first months of parenting I had fallen into the trap of believing that different always meant better or worse, right or wrong. I let my own insecurities and defensiveness spill over into judging others.
But these days, while I am still sleep deprived, I am also wiser.
I have learned from the hard days, and the wonderful days.
I have learned from the moments of joy when I finally feel like I am on top of things and the dark despair when I am pretty sure I have screwed up big time.
I have learned from the tears, and the guilt, and the heartbreak, and the pride, and the quiet moments of contentment.
I have learned that I don’t need to measure myself or my parenting against others. I have learned that I don’t need to be ‘right’ or ‘better’.
I have learned that I am not at all like her, and exactly like her.
I am not like her, because I am me. I am doing the best I can in my situation, with my knowledge, in my moments. I am doing what is right for me, for my family, for my children.
And I am just like her because she is doing that too.
We are both mothers, doing the very best we can for our own families given our own circumstances. That is not better or worse, it is not right or wrong and while it is not the same, it is also not different.
I totally think it’s each to their own! We women need to stand together and support one another, regardless of whether we agree with what another chooses to do! Great post! Xx
Oh Kate. This is a beautiful post and such a wonderful perspective on the issue of judging other mothers.
I don’t think this issue is a beat-up at all. I think it’s real and dangerous. And, we need posts like this to put it all into perspective.
I admit that I ‘judge’, and I am a better mother for doing it. I watch and take note of the decisions other mothers make (I did this even before I became a mother). I adopt what I like and admire, and I reject what doesn’t work for my me and my family.
I think the danger lies is in criticising other mothers. My own ideals have been rocked by circumstances out of my control, so what I have learned since becoming a mother is that we will never know the real situation and circumstances of a family other than our own; we do not know how much circumstances can affect a mother emotionally, mentally and physically; we do not know how much a mother has agonised over a decision; we do not know how much our words are going to affect another mother – so we cannot and must not criticise.
I feel that if mothers were more honest with one another then this criticism would subside. I think there is too much emphasis on being ‘perfect’ mothers, and that is when we start to judge- to order to inwardly justify our own decisions. Instead, if you know when someone is vulnerable, struggling, anguished then you are more likely to have empathy, understanding, and more likely to support rather than criticise.
I love how you said ‘im not like her but I am her’ that is a really great way of putting it. I think mothers need to stand together, after all, we are all doing the same thing – we should be on the same team! I remember thinking awhile ago that my bad day is another Mums good day and vice versa – we only see that moment but to get to that moment there is a whole lot of other moments that have happened!
Perfectly said, Kate. I think it’s human nature to judge others but no good can come of it. Rarely do we judge out of concern for others. Rather, it’s usual because we’re trying to justify our own choices, we’re jealous of someone else’s choices or we want to feel better than someone else. Comparison is one thing, judgement is quite another.
x
Great post Kate, you found the perfect words to explain what I think every mum goes through at some point.
Beautifully written Kate.
I still remember not feeling comfortable sharing some things at the playgroup I attended with my first child. In looking back now, I see that I wasn’t always honest about how things were, the good and the bad. I wasn’t brave enough to sometimes be that one voice. It wasn’t good for me and it probably didn’t help anybody else either.
I read another post this past week about a mum who loses control, not easily, not readily but guiltly. It was one of the most honest parenting posts I’ve read.
Once upon a time, I too got caught up in the mommy wars but now I steer far, far away. I do what feels right for my family and assume all other mothers are doing the same. This was such a wonderful, honest post and a great reminder that we’re all just doing the best we can.
Wow love this post, and I totally agree. When I am feeling judged, I always think to myself that there are things I don’t know about anyone else, and they don’t know everything about me either. When I feel inadequate I try to remember we are all trying our best and every day is different… it’s easier to be understanding of myself and others that way. We and our situations are are totally unique – in many ways beyond our control – and it’s impossible to hold ourselves up to each other as a standard. We are all meant to be different – it’s a good thing.
I was surprised that the ‘mummy wars’ began the moment we announced our pregnancy. Friends and family even became incredibly insistent on their way of doing things and what not to do. There were moments I felt like a bad mother before even becoming one! Yes, it’s easy to judge others but I do my best to accept the difference of opinions etc and avoid awkward topics of discussion. Another awesome post Kate.
A very valid post…it’s quite an epidemic really. Here in the U.S., so many mothers portray this “perfect mother” ideal and they stand at the playground with their pre-pregnancy skinny jeans on and their hair perfectly done and look down their noses at other moms (like me, with six children and yoga pants) and it feels so condescending and demoralizing. Or maybe it’s just that as mothers, we feel the changes pregnancies make to our bodies and insecurities spring up so easily. I’ve never understood why parenting is such a competition. I used to be very involved with moms groups and play dates, but by child #4, it was exhausting trying to appear like I had it all together — the wealth, the patience, the body, the perfect kids — so now I avoid those types of engagements and focus on bringing whatever I can to the table for my family, that day. It’s all we can do. We are simply judgmental human beings.
“but inside I was making judgements” …. ditto.
And I have to keep telling myself: It’s not a competition! We know three other bubs born around the same time as ours. It is *so* hard not to compare them to each other. We do what works for us, they do what works for them.
Yes I agree with Kate L that the mummy wars begins with pregnancy or even with trying to conceive. Everyone LOVES to put their own opinions, experiences and ‘better one another’ where they can.
It’s so true that we should band together and not do this whole divide and conquer thing. It just creates loneliness. You might be on top of the tower but you’re lonely!
Thanks for sharing such a great post on such an important topic.
What a lovely post Kate.
I do think that one part of the reason for the mummy-wars is that it is something we care so deeply about, yet (for most of us) have next to no training in. So it can be easy to feel defensive about our choices which can lead to both being overly critical of others (to validate our own choices) and to over-reacting, or feeling judged, when that judgement may not actually be present.
But either way, I love your line – I am not like her, and I am just like her. To focus on the fact that we are all doing the best we can with the knowledge we have and in circumstances we have, allows us to put aside the judgement of the person completely.
Love this, Kate. I like to think that we’re all the same in that we’re doing the best we can… but sometimes those little thoughts can sneak in and really do need to be kept in check.
Just stumbled upon your wonderful blog and words so pertinent to parenting. If only I’d had some concept of just how hard yet uplifting it would all be…it’s so very easy to judge yet I sometimes realise that those same judgements are being made about me – sometimes wildly inaccurate, yet how can anyone else know the whole picture? On the good days, I remember how good I am at this whole thing; on the bad days and in the constant fog of sleep deprivation that is so much harder to hold onto, yet we’re all doing the best we can and need each other’s support, not criticism…thanks for the thoughts!