I want to say it so badly. It is right there on the tip of my tongue…
It’s the first thing that seems to slip out of my mouth every time we face one of these moments. It’s a habit, but it’s a bad one.
I choke it back and try to just listen, to just be there for her, but it’s still there, so desperate to spill from my lips…
I bite my tongue and chew on my lip. I dig my fingernails into my palms. I squirm in my seat. I do whatever it is I need to do to not say that it is ok.
The truth is, from her perspective, right now, in this moment, it’s not ok.
It’s just not.
I can rationalise and explain, I can talk about the ‘bigger picture’, and I can tell her a hundred times that it really is ok… but it’s not.
I want it to be ok. I want it to be ok with every fiber of my being.
I want to be able to say it and have those words magically make it all ok.
I want to say or do something, anything, that will make it ok.
I want it so badly…
But wanting it, and wishing it, and saying it, doesn’t help.
I know I mean well, she knows I mean well, but saying ‘it’s ok’ doesn’t have the magical affect that we both wish it would, and sometimes it just makes things worse.
Sometimes it is a catylist for all the frustration and unfairness to bubble up on top of everything else.
It’s not fair.
Why do we have to deal with this?
Why the f*&% isn’t it ok?
So I sit here and chew on my lip and pick at my fingernails
and say “I understand”
and “I’m here”
and “this really sucks and it’s totally unfair, but I understand and I am here”
And I keep wishing and hoping that eventually… it will be ok.
Helping my kids through tough times is the hardest thing I have ever had to do.
It helps a lot to know I am not alone, that I am not the only one who is parenting through a rough patch.
If you are struggling at the moment please know that you are not alone, that there are many of us right there in the trenches with you.
Feel free to leave a comment and share if you like, maybe someone else can relate and you will feel just a little less alone.