Liar Liar
I sit in the car and watch as she crosses the road at the school crossing. I see her say hello to the lollipop lady and the lump in my throat grows a little.
I know that the lollipop lady will ask her where her sister is today. It’s an innocent question asked by a kind person, but it is loaded… today it is so loaded.
Today I am a big fat liar.
I’m not talking about the little lies we tell our kids…
“I don’t know who ate that raspberry from your lolly bag!?!”
Or the ‘fun’ lies…
“How much money did the tooth fairy bring?”
I’m talking about the hard lies. The lies we tell when we know telling the truth won’t help our kids.
Today I told my girl that she would be fine at school on her own. I told her that she had lots of friends and that she would definitely have someone to play with at lunch time. I told her that she was strong, and smart and clever and would find a way to work out any problems on her own. I told her that she is her own person and that she can do anything she wants… with or without her twin sister.
All of those things are true… and yet I was still lying.
Deep down inside I worry about her going to school on her own as much as she does. I know she can do it, but I hate that she has to. I hate that she feels lonely and vulnerable on her own and I worry that all the things she fears will happen… or even just some of them.
Any clues as to where my anxious child learned to worry??
Yep… I am a world class worrier too.
And while a huge part of me wanted to hold her and never let her go. To tell her she could stay home, that she never has to go anywhere or do anything that she doesn’t like and that she can live the rest of her life attached at the hip to her twin sister if she wants to… I didn’t.
Instead I did the right thing. I lied.
It was the right thing to do because I want my girl to learn to deal with her worries. I want her to be able to face the world on her own and do anything she wants to do. I want her to meet her problems head on and work out a way to deal with them.
To do that she needs my support, my confidence, my strength… and today, my lies.
Do you ever lie to your kids?
{image: by UnlistedSightings via flickr}
aww. ((hugs)) Kate! Must have been hard :( Hope she’s having a great day! xx00
Aw … and yet somehow I don’t feel like you saying any of that is really lying. You’re just trying to do the best thing for her.
It is so hard and it doesn’t seem to get any easier especially with girls! Hoping she has a great day to give her the confidence to go on with :)
That was most definitely the right kind of lie to tell. I’m a worry-er as well and my 4yr old seems to have inherited this trait. So often I’ll lie to him. I’ll pretend I’m not freaked out by a noise outside at night, I’ll pretend that it’s silly that he’s petrified of the toilet flush even though I remember too well how scary it was when I was his age. He’s not going to grow some balls if his pansy mother is huddled in the corner crying with him!
Do you really think she can’t survive one day at school without her sister?
If you told her that in the whole of her life she would never have to go anywhere without her sister.. well, THAT would be a big (and horrible) lie to tell her.
I think what you told her was the truth – even if you don’t quite believe it yourself yet.
You are right. This is the reason we’ve been working on reslience and being ok apart – because we already know that we can’t promise they will always be together, all the time, even if we wanted to…. but oh man on days like today I wanted to…
Oh, I feel for you Kate. I dread Cam going to school for these reasons- my own worries.
I’ve been thinking a lot about our children’s inner voices this week. It began with One Perfect Day’s ‘Connect With Your Child’ series- followed by lots of related quotes and images I’ve seen.
I think ‘lying’ in this instance helps to build a strong and resilient inner voice for our children.
I hope she comes home happy and more confident than ever today :)
That is exactly my goal… I’m hoping my words will add to her own inner voice and in the end she will be everything she hopes for :)
I’m not sure it really is lying to tell your child that at all. She most likely will be fine, most likely she will have someone to play with at lunch and she almost certainly is strong, smart and clever. As mums we have to simply keep our fears to ourselves, bolster their confidence and just trust that everything really will be fine. It’s so hard seeing our kids go into a situation feeling vulnerable and scared. You’re doing a great job as a mum!
This hits home. My 6 year old daughter is a worrier, like me. My worries for her at school arent academic but social. I cannot be there at lunch time to help her chat to a girl and start to play. She has too. I cannot help soothe over some innocent comment she takes the wrong way and becomes gutted about. She has too. I cannot hold her hand at play lunch and walk about with her. I cannot go to the canteen and meekly ask for an anzac biscuit, she has too. And for the most part she is doing well. Doesn’t help me worry about her all day. Her fears become paramount the moment we enter the school gates. I can bolster her self-esteem and help before and after school but ultimately she is on her own. In my better optimistic moments I realise this is the way it has to be. This is her journey. I will only be able to hold her hand in reatlity and metaphorically for a short time. She will be ok. Today and into the future, on her own as much as with her twin sister. This is her journey and a little part of it, a new part (minus her sister), began today.
I am actually not sure that even qualifies as a lie Kate….and if it does it is a helpful one. Rather I would say you are instilling confidence in her and encouraging your child to do something that at the end of the day is really an unknown. Telling her she is strong and smart and clever and can work things out on her own is probably the greatest gift you will ever give her xx
I’m working on the ‘fake it till you make idea’… which is only half lying right??? :)
I think you did the right thing!
My daughter is now 24 and going through some crazy health problems. I remember when she wa a cute little girl…..the years have gnu too fast. Sorry to sound like an old BAG here but lying is NEVER ok because one day that precious little girl will grow up to be a beautiful young woman who will need a Mom who can sit through the amazing highs of life AND the deep pits with. She needs to know NOW that she will always be able to rely on you to speak the truth in ALL circumstances. There are lots of ways to install confidence but instilling other STUFF is never a good thing….believe it will come back to bite you and your whole family one day. You sound like such a caring woman and I sense you would want this for your wonderful little girl!
I’m too stupid to understand where the lie was :S
I’m no psychologist but I know some worriers and sometimes they get so caught up in a spiral of ‘what ifs’ that they lose all perspective. Active listening and reflecting their worries back to them can just escalate their panic. But having someone they trust be so unequivocally positive and confident that things will go right can pull them back out of the vortex of worry enough to allow them to use their own resources to cope. I wouldn’t call that ‘lying’ – I call that giving your child the opportunity to take on something really hard and succeed – and that’s a great gift.
I agree with Martine. I don’t actually think you’re lying. If you believe all those things you said about your daughter then how can it be? You’re helping her put her best foot forward. Well done I say!
Hmmm, I’ve been pondering this and I’m not sure it’s lying. You certainly weren’t going to say she would have a terrible day without her sister- that would be really unhelpful! And I’m sure you wouldn’t send her if her safety was in question. I think you were just transmitting optimism to her, and some courage to help her make those steps. Whatever the case, if she did have a bad day, then you can talk abut it and help her discover/learn some skills and tools for the next time. Unless she has the chance to take these steps, she
won’t be able to move forward to find her own path.
Just my thoughts…..
Lauren
:)
Oh Good God yes I lie to my kids – I lie a LOT! But always with their best inetentions at heart. x