Parenting secret #37 – It’s ok for your kids not to like the limit you set.
So you’ve set a limit, you’ve remained calm, you’ve explained in a clear and concise manner, and you are standing firm… and then your child loses it.
They yell, and scream, and say you are the worst parent ever (see Parenting Secret #21 – It’s Not Personal). There are tears, and pleading, anger, and frustration. There is eye rolling, and foot stamping, and perhaps even some lying on the floor.
That’s ok.
Really it is.
It’s ok for your kids not to like the limit you set.
It’s ok for them to yell and scream and be mad about it. It’s ok for them to feel frustrated and hard done by. It’s ok for them to push against the limit with everything they’ve got.
It’s ok for your kids not to like the limit you set.
You don’t have to fix it. It is not a sign that you have done something wrong.
Allow them to feel angry, don’t squash it or brush it under the carpet. Let them be angry. You would feel frustrated if someone told you you couldn’t do something you really wanted to do wouldn’t you? It’s reasonable for them to be angry.
That doesn’t mean you let them hurt you or someone else, that doesn’t mean you let them be rude, that means you acknowledge their anger and help them deal with it.
But you stand firm, because it is ok for your kids not to like the limit you set.
That doesn’t mean that you can’t discuss it and negotiate in a calm and reasonable manner. That doesn’t mean you can’t compromise.
But if the decision is made and the limit is set, stand firm. Be the rock that they can push against so they truly know where those boundaries are and that you are keeping them safe and healthy, even they don’t think they need you to, even when they are angry, even when they really, really, don’t like it.
If you set a limit with love, understanding, and with the aim to teach instead of punish… it truly is ok for them not to like it, I promise!
PS – I don’t really know 37 parenting secrets… I just made up that number (along with secret #21) to make it sound good!
Though I wonder if we could come up with 35 other little known parenting tips.
Have you got any parenting secrets to add to the list?
Parenting secret #19: It is OK to feed the kids breakfast for dinner.
Oh yes!!! LOVE it!
Hahah! Again Ditto! Thee greatest lesson i learned with my first child was allowing them THEIR OWN Feelings–& more importantly as they get older too: validating them. Thank you as usual you provoke some good food for thought topics on your “emotion shares”. ;)
Thank You for this, I really, really needed this!!! I am a single mom of a strong willed 10yr old boy that is the size of a 13yrs old,,LOL, Its hard for me to stand strong because I am always feeling guilty about his lack of having or knowing his dad..Please help me with advice and stories from other single mom’s that go through the same thing..Believe me I know it’s not doing him any good to give in most of the time but for me it is truly hard, because I just want to know that i am making the right decisions in his life..Please help..
Hi Sue, i know that all you want for him is to be happy but you need to be firm. Setting limits and boundaries, soon he will be a teenager and we all know what kids can get upto during that period. Talk to him about what you expect. When my sons refuse to listen, i ban them from their ipad iphone use for 1 day – 1 week. I still hug them and laugh with them during that time. This way they also learn to respect you. Just remember, you need to be consistant. Take care. :)
Hi, Sue.
My sister is raising two boys, ages 16 and 17 this spring. She has been both the mom and the dad since the youngest one was 3 years old. She is firm, very clear as well as loving. You can do this! It is not your fault the dad is missing. Just do your best, hold your ground and be the best role model you can. Statistics say that mothers matter 80 per cent when it comes to values. You have the odds on your side. As regards to men, just point out positive things you see good men do whenever you come across it together. They can watch others even if they do not live with a man.
I really do believe that children should experience their feelings, recognise what it means and the consequences. What I mean is that adults should talk children through some of their emotions. If a child can’t get their own way in the supermarket and throws themselves on the floor kicking and screaming then let them finish, and talk to them when they have calmed down. Ask them how they feel, how they felt. Use different words appropriate to their age.
It doesn’t just have to be negative feelings but positive feelings too. If a child can’t verbalise their emotions allow them the freedom to show you how they felt/ feel through materials, stories, painting, drawing,etc