She Worries.

For a while I thought she might just ‘grow out of it’. That perhaps she just needed a bit of extra time to mature emotionally. But they are almost seven now and both of our girls are ‘sensitive’, one is particularly so, and she is a worrier.

The sensitive part of her hones in on one tiny little, insignificant to most, detail and she worries and worries and worries, silently, on her own, till she has dug herself a deep dark hole and she can’t get out.

I shouldn’t really be surprised. She comes from a long line of worriers. My Grandfather was a champion worrier and I could worry for Australia given a bit of training.

I keep wanting to make it go away. To fix the sensitivities, and the worrying that see her struggling every now and then. I don’t want her to be different, I want her to be ‘average’ and to fit in easily. I want to believe that she will magically grow out of the quirks and fears and strangeness.

But my reality is slowly shifting.

A while back I sought some professional advice. We were worried about the fact that the girls didn’t (couldn’t) separate from each other without a lot of trauma. We, I, needed to know if this was a bad thing for both of them. I needed to know if I’d done the wrong thing by standing up for and supporting their togetherness.

We were lucky to find someone who was wise in the way of twins and just wise in general, and she told me something I have held on to ever since….

“Being sensitive is not a bad thing. It is not the ‘norm’ in our society, but it can be positive variation on the norm. Learning to be resilient is important, but don’t give up on the sensitive children, don’t push them to be something they are not.”

So she is sensitive.
Good.
So she worries.
Ok.

Being sensitive is not all bad.
Worrying is not the worst thing in the world.

It is part of who she is. It is part of why she loves so deeply. It is part of what makes her a good friend and sister, because she will always think of how you feel and make sure you are ok. It is part of what makes her good at things, because she thinks things over, again and again.

But what about the aspects about being a worrier that are a little less than positive? How can we help her deal with those?

We are working on resilience.

Making a plan.
There is no point in telling her ‘don’t worry, that won’t ever happen’. She can’t not worry. She needs to learn ways to cope with the worry. So when we come up against a worry the best thing to do is make a plan. We brainstorm things she could do to help in situations where she is worried. Could she ask someone to help? Who could she ask? What would she say? What things could she do to make herself feel more confident? Could she find a friend? Hold someone’s hand when she is afraid? Think happy thoughts?

Self talk.
This helps a lot. We give her words to replay in her head when she needs them.
“I can do this.”
“I can ask for help if I need to”
“Is this as bad as I think it is?”
“What are my happy thoughts?”

Timing and Knowledge
We give lots of forewarning and knowledge about things that are coming up that she might struggle with. This can sometimes be tricky, if I’m not careful with how I talk about things, I can sometimes create worries that didn’t exist. Timing is important – if we take on too many difficult things she can get over whelmed. I need to know when to say no to some things and when to block out quiet times to re-group.

Sleep and Food.
Enough of both really help. Though the sleep can be a problem as this is when she is prone to worrying herself awake for hours – a total vicious circle. We use ‘happy thoughts’, audio books and music to try and distract her from her worries long enough to fall asleep.

We are challenging her.

We gently challenge both the girls to grow and develop on their own.
We try to make time for them to do things on their own. Going fishing, one on one with Dad. Going to the library just her and me to choose books for everyone. These things help them gain confidence in their independence.

I don’t always make things easy for her.
Sometimes I am amazed at the things both girls achieve without a hint of worry, so I try not to automatically shield them from things that I think they may struggle with.

We love all our children for who they are, sensitive or not.

I am learning to accept that worrying is not the end of the world.
I don’t force her into a situation she has already expressed a lot of worry over – despite the pressure we sometimes get from others.

We accept her need for reassurance, even when we wish we didn’t have to.

We take pride in the things they all do well and celebrate when they try something they find more difficult.

We (I) grit my teeth and try to get through the tantrums and melt downs with everyone keeping their respect in tact. I try not to let it show when my heart breaks a little as she cries over something that is worrying her and I try to stand strong as her advocate when she needs me to.

We tell them all again and again how much we love them – forever and ever, always and always NO MATTER WHAT.

And I worry too.
I worry a lot.
Because I am her mum…. that is my job…. and I’m good at it.

{image created by Spell with Flickr}