Stretched.
Sometimes there just doesn’t seem to be enough of me to go around.
Right from the day when I saw two blobs on the ultrasound screen and heard those fateful words – “Definitely two babies” – I knew that there would be times when I just couldn’t give both children what they needed right when they needed it. Of course, since then I’ve doubled that problem, and now I am stretching my resources between four small people. Sometimes I have reinforcements, but often it is just me and them.
Over the last seven years I’ve learnt ways to make myself go further…
I know how to make my lap appear big enough for two or three or all four if need be.
I know how to do lots of two handed jobs with one, or even half a hand.
I know how to balance a baby, just so, while I tie shoes, make pony tails, or kiss things better.
And I know how to use my ears so that my children really do think I have eyes in the back of my head.
Most of the time I manage to balance things. Most of the time everyone gets what they need at least close to the time that they need it, even if it isn’t always in a way that totally satisfies them.
But the balance is precarious at best.
Sometimes one little thing will tilt, just a bit, in an unexpected direction, and then everything comes crashing down around me.
Then the baby cries and the 3 year old howls. The big girls bicker and demand that I make a judgement and then scowl and yell when it doesn’t go their way. There are no clean undies for anyone and dinner is burning in the oven while the dishes pile ever higher in the sink (why can no one put their dirty dishes IN the dishwasher?).
Then I have to choose who, or what, waits. I have to choose who, or what, misses out.
Those are the times when I am stretched.
Those are times when I am stretched so thin that I feel almost transparent.
Like nobody can see me.
Like I don’t exist.
Like nothing I do makes even a little dint on the huge list of tasks that lay before me.
Those are the times when I wonder if we’ve made the right choices.
I wonder if I really can do this.
I wonder if all the strangers who gasp and say “How do you manage four? I can’t even manage two” really mean that I can’t manage four and should have stopped at two.
I wonder if they are right?
But it’s too late to wonder.
We didn’t stop at two, even if we should have.
We have four wonderful, demanding, fabulous children…. and I just need to keep going as best I can.
So I stretch a little further than even I thought possible, and I keep going, and eventually things ease off a little.
Eventually the baby sleeps, the big girls sit and read to their brother, the fan goes on before the smoke alarm does, and the dishwasher gets stacked.
Eventually the colour comes back to me and I feel like I exist again.
I know I’ll be stretched again another day. I know I’ll be faced with the tough decisions and I know I’ll question our choices again.
I just need to remind myself that if I just keep going, if I just stretch that little bit more, it will all work out in the end. There really is enough of me to go around because I am sure my stretchiness is based on love and I know I have plenty of that.
I hear you, Kate. I hear you.xx
I know how you feel with only ONE child!
(Two if you count my husband…)
I don’t understand what is sooo darn difficult about putting dirty dishes in the dishwasher! Or putting dirty clothes IN the dirty clothes basket instead of beside it!
But it’s all so very worth it! We are paid in cuddles, kisses and smiles, it really is THE Best Job In The World!
A friend was once deciding if theynshould go,for number five or not, eventuallynthey decided that they would never regret having an extra child, but they may regret not having one.
Having extra kids must come with pros and cons, but my dad has 9 siblings and my mum has 8, it was the best growing up part of that big family, and nothing ever went smoothly, butnthat is what made it even better.
I can never quite understand the ‘how do you manage it’ comments. You manage because you have no choice!
You are doing a brilliant job, obviously. Plus, how gorgeous is your boy?
Brilliant post. You so perfectly capture those days when it all just gets too much.
Oh gosh, this is my life. And you articulated it way better than me!!
Much love-it’s a tough gig!
For the first time I feel that I cannot stretch even a cm further at the moment. The elastic would definitely snap! The thing is can it hold in place for a few more weeks??? Sure hoping so. xx
Cried as I read this! This is me!! I cry out but I’m only one little person & there are three of you!!! I have put I am invisible as my facebook status & no one saw it!! I am stretched & worn through. The best thing I did for ME was hiring a mothers helper for 3 hours (worst 3-6pm!) a day. Makes a huge difference!
I have often wondered if we made a good decision. Before we decided to get married I had to convince my hub that I needed to have kids. He already had two and could have left it at that. I know I’ll never really regret our decision but I do wish there were two of me to cope at the hard times. Admittedly its much easier now than when there has been a baby in the house. Babies really can’t wait for what they need like bigger kids can!
We all question our choices and wonder how the hell we got where we are, and wonder how on earth we’ll cope. We aren’t perfect, but we all do our best with what we have. We cope, and we love. Because something as simply beautiful as dropping a gentle kiss on their forehead once they’re asleep makes all the coping all the more worthwhile.
You’re doing a brilliant job, and all four of your little ones are gorgeous. x
Amen to that!
Lovely post Kate. It’s amazing: when we feel like we can’t stretch anymore, we do. Because we are Mums and that’s what we do. *sigh* I’m feeling stretched.
I’m just grateful that kids are resilient – you know, for the days I don’t stretch that far, and those days do happen to me. And, of course, there are people who hae 6-7-8 or more children, we know them… I think though that the benefits outweigh the difficulties and if everything was easy we wouldn’t appreciate the moments of sanity in amongst the chaos!
(I secretly love the chaos, though, I have to admit)
And then one day they’ll all be grown up and you won’t believe how fast that happened and you’ll look back at these moments and think it wouldn’t have mattered if the dishes sat there for a week and everyone started going without undies at all, and that the kids got such great life lessons in learning that things don’t always happen exactly when you want them.
Hearing you. Thank you for reading my mind. x
I hear you too.
We do it because of our love, it knows no ends of stretchiness.
Beautiful post.
I so remember the stretching of ‘oneself’ between two little babes at the same time;oh baby,baby sweet memories.xx
Don’t be too hard on yourself, you are doing a fab job with those gorgeous picklebums.
Do you sometimes wonder if motherhood simply makes you elastic? They don’t talk about that in antenatal classes, now do they??
Thanks for that article. I sometimes wonder if I’m the only one not coping, feeling unappreciated and invisible. I’d like to throw a positive spin on the comment right now and say it’s all worth it because… but I can’t find anything positive right at the moment. I just hope it will all be worth it one day. One thing I’ve found, though, is the kids behave better when mum’s happy. I’ll add ‘find happiness’ to my to-do list.