Won’t They Miss Out?
Won’t they fall behind if they don’t do gymbaroo, or learn to use a computer by three years of age?
Won’t they miss out if they don’t learn a language, or an instrument at age five?
Won’t they miss their chance to be a pro if they don’t start swimming, or gymnastics, or drama, or dancing, at an early age?
Won’t they be disadvantaged if they don’t go to the perfect school that has all the extra options and activities?
If you don’t give your child the very best of every possible option and extra curricula activity available, won’t they miss out and be left behind??
I confess… every now and then I fall victim to this kind of ‘scarcity’ thinking. I was sucked in to the hurrying and the ‘musts’ and ‘shoulds’ and guilt until I finally stepped back for a moment.
My kids can’t do every extra curricula activity ever invented, even if they wanted to. We don’t have enough money, and we don’t have enough time. And bottom line… I just don’t want them to.
As a teacher I don’t believe that children will only be good readers if they are exposed to flash cards and reading activities before school age. As a parent I don’t believe my children will only be good at something if they start training and practising with the very best teachers at an early age.
There is plenty of time to try new things and practice those things that we have a passion for. If my children are going to be awesomely, extra, specially, fabulous at something, I believe they will be that good regardless of whether they started at age two or age twelve or even age forty. I don’t believe we need to push, to rush or to try and cram everything in now… there is time.
There is so much more to growing up than lessons and activities and extra this and more that. There is more to life than being ‘the best’ at something.
So I’m stepping out of the race. I’m leaving the extra classes for someone else. I’m putting a limit on the number of activities we do. I’m judging the worth of activities and commitments by how happy they make my children, not by how good they are, or could be at it.
I’m giving my children the gift of time. Free, unstructured, time to just play. There is always next year, or the year after, to start that class or try that activity, for now lets just enjoy some time.
What do you think?
Am I potentially missing an opportunity for my child to be brilliant at something by not starting early?
How do you balance all the opportunities and activities with time to just be kids?
At last the voice of reason – well done. You are not depriving them at all, giving the the gift of time is invaluable. As adults, our minds are so full, so active, it would be a complete miracle if I could have the gift of time. In my experience, I have seen absolute superstars at the age of 10, pushed to the limit, by the time they are 14 or so, they have had enough, and just want to slow down. Who says they have to be brilliant as something anyway? So long as they are healthy, happy kids, they will turn out well adjusted adults.
My thoughts EXACTLY!!!! I only have to go back to my own childhood to know what it feels like to be at this, that and everything else after school. All the extra homework that came from learning an instrument or two, doing private speech and drama and the other activities, then trekking all over town to get to the different places. All I wanted to do was play! I also remember my dad working overtime and double headers just to pay for us to get all of these opportunities. Think I would have enjoyed having my dad home more. Our girls won’t be doing all the added extras. They’ll be apart for most of the week once Miss M starts school next year so for us family time/ playtime is WAY more important.
Christian Lindberg, the most famous and accomplished trombonist in the world, didn’t touch a trombone until he was 19 years old. He was playing lead trombone in a famous orchestra at age 22. So if someone is destined to be really good at something it will come to them in good time. If Lindberg had been forced to play trombone from an early age he ,ay well have got sick of it and given up.
Hi Kate,
Great post and an approach to parenting that I have always related to. When I first had children I was determined not to overload my kids with endless classes & activities. I really hoped that they could have the simple uncomplicated upbringing that I had experienced growing up in the country. However all this changed when one of my beautiful sons was diagnosed with autism just before his second birthday. I have spent the last 3 years taking him to endless classes/activities/therapy just so he can function and learn the way typical kids can. Without all of this intervention he would find it very difficult to learn the skills that most kids just pick up through play and life. I quite often read posts and opinions like yours and I feel sad and guilty that my son’s life can’t be like that. So I guess I’m hoping that people realise that not all of us our sending our kids to the endless activities and classes to massage our own egos, for some it really is important and necessary. Cheers
This is such an important point.
We started our girls at ballet when they were four, not because we thought they would ever become professional dancers, but because they needed to practice their social skills and it has been far and away the best thing for them.
I don’t think extra activities are all bad, in fact they can be really great with the right activity and attitude…
Can I add SPACE. Time and space to play without adult interference and direction.
I am amazed at the response and as a mother of a lot of children that are now adults. I would like to add that the ones that got my undivided attention 24/7 are now over achievers and no they didn’t have all the classes and activities that you can now spend a fortune on they were always given a choice from a very early age of two to decided what they wanted. They chose their mother and family over everything and I spent time teaching them everything they wanted to learn. No hassles no running around and all are doing what they love now and not following the the wake of what was pushed on them.
I agree wholeheartedly! My daughter has a natural gift for drawing and already produces things that amaze people. So many have suggested that we put her in art classes and start honing her gift. She is all of 8 years old for Pete’s sake! When we have put her in art classes and camps, she has resented going and disliked being told what to do and how to do it. This is a kid who already spends every waking moment drawing pictures, perfecting lines and dimensions. My son (6 yo), OTOH, has been singing on-pitch since before he could speak. We started him on piano lessons a year ago but do not push him to practice. He has his 30 minute weekly lesson with a wonderful teacher, and he occasionally sits at the piano and plays around, which we praise and reinforce him for. Well-meaning friends and family often comment that he won’t progress unless we demand he practice every day. That’s what my parents did for me. By my teen years, I was playing pieces that demanded virtuoso technical abilities, but hated every minute of it. I have copies of pieces like the Schumann piano concerto and Bach’s chromatic fantasy and fugue that have markings in my handwriting on them. I must have played at some point in my life, but I have absolutely no recollection of it. It’s like I blocked all of it out! The joy and pleasure along with the pain and frustration. It’s so sad to see children being deprived of their natural love for art, music, sport, and indeed life itself. The cycle doesn’t stop unless someone is brave enough to say “NO”.
I think you are a very wise woman. We don’t do a lot of extracurricular activities in our family, we just don’t have the time or the money to do it. Not only that, there’s only so much a kid can do in one day. They need down time, they need free time. (IMHO) I know if we did just one thing more it would spell disaster for us. My kids get tired, Josh slept in until 12:05 on Monday and he’s been sleeping late every day this week. It kind of proves my point I think. ;)
Love this, Kate. I absolutely agree. I see some kids just exhausted because they do so many activities. I think it’s hard these days to see all your friends do things that way and to choose not to yourself. But, nothing makes my girl happier than just being at home, running around, going for a stroll together, playing with some playdough, baking with me, making things up and just… being. To me, that’s a freedom we’re giving her.
No they won’t! I feel like this all the time. I believe that young children should be learning about the world and the ABCs can come later. The children around me have lessons packed on weekends and I’m talking about below 3 years old. I don’t believe in sacrificing family time for classes. But I admit that every time I see a kid who is just slightly older than them who can recite multiplication tables, put together a 100 pcs jigsaw, I panic a little and I don’t know if they are losing out. But that feeling won’t last, after a day or so, I still believe that we should be out of the race, at least for now, when they are so young!
I can so relate to this article! We cut back on aactivities a couple of years ago. Best thing we ever did!!!! The stress levels in the family have dropped dramatically!
Amen! I am so with you … I’ve been starting to feel a creeping sense of guilt that I haven’t signed my 20 month old up to swimming lessons or any other structured activities as yet. He goes to the park, the local pcyc, plays with his peers at mothers group and child care, we paint, draw, expose him to water in the bath and at the beach/river/pool – shouldn’t this be enough?! Officially relinquishing the guilt!
Alas my children (17,15,13&11) will probably never play for Australia. But they are well adjusted socially capable people. Our maximum was 2 after school activities and that sometimes seems too much. Well done on teaching your kids about real life. They will thank you one day. I interpret the statement ‘but all the other kids are allowed to’ as ‘you are a really good parent’ ;).
Totally agree with you Kate,
Life is busy enough without over-scheduling the kids.
Plus, I find we have the most fun, and most memorable experiences while playing.
And my little kindy boy is reading books from year 3 – and he’s never seen a flash card in his life. We just love books.
xAndrea
Oh God thankyou! Thanks for writing this post. I have four small children and absolutely no time and feel such guilt about this very issue. “Everybody else is, so shouldn’t my kids be too?” Now I will be able to think “Kate isn’t”. I think that will help! x
Great post. I feel exactly the same and I’ve really noticed that if we have a busy week and they don’t get plenty of free time, it impacts upon them. There’s too much of a rush and kids just need to be allowed to explore and play. I had a conversation with another mum last week about how her daughter wasn’t learning anything in 3 year kindy and that they were just mucking around. Of course the mucking around is the learning!
Finally someone else who gets it and can put it into words. My kids do soccer and dancing……only because THEY want to. Let your kids be kids because they only get one go of it!!
Such wise words!! I totally agree- especially the bit about toddlers learning computers… Seriously, one day when they need to use computers they’ll pick up the skills in no time! In the mean time let them play, explore, discover, get dirty outside – live!