15 Ways to Get Kids to Listen.
Two and a half seems to be the magical age when my kids suddenly stop listening.
Suddenly Noah has joined the ranks of his brothers and sister and it seems I have to ask him three times and then resort to yelling before he will listen!
Or do I?
Here’s fifteen things I am going to do to help my kids to listen…
I’m going to talk less
I’m going to get up, go over to my child, make eye contact and then talk.
I am going to use positive language and tell them what they can do, not what they can’t do.
I’m going to have appropriate expectations.
I’m going to keep it short and to the point. The younger the child the shorter the message.
If my request is non-negotiable I will make sure my language reflects that. No asking ‘can you get in the bath please’.
If my request is negotiable I will offer simple choices to the toddler, more complex choices for the five year old and ask the nine year olds for their input.
I will say it again and again for the toddler, because it takes a lot of repetition before things sink into a two year old brain.
I will try not to yell.
If at all possible I will wait until my child is finished what they are doing.
I will stick around long enough to make sure they are following through… no yelling a request then walking off.
I will be a good listener and model the behaviour I’d like to see.
I will use written reminders, calendars and lists for the older kids so I don’t have to nag so much.
I will sing (possibly like an opera singer) or ask for co-operating in funny or creative ways… ‘Can you slither like a snake to the bath?’
If all else fails I will take a deep breath, realise this is totally normal, and start all over again.
How do you get your kids to listen?
I’ve decided I need to spend a bit of time intentionally working on becoming a better parent right now… so you’ll see a few more of these types of posts pop up on Thursdays.
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…..and when that 2 year old gives u a resounding ‘no’ they will not get into the bath…what then???
At least you know they listened if they answer… even if they answer no! LOL
I often choose not to battle the toddler over a bath, but if I really REALLY want him to have a bath I’ll off him a choice of two things I think might entice him (in case his resistance is to do with wanting more control over the situation) ‘do you want to take the boat or the dog into the bath?’ Or I’ll try something silly like singing or asking him to sneak into the bath like a cat….
If that doesn’t work then I repeat firmly that he is going to have a bath and I undress him, carry him to the bathroom and pop him in. Mostly he screams and fights during this process, but sometimes (not often) he just needs to be washed so I make it as quick and painless as I can.
umm i think we should not give choices and options to babies and
toddlers, with lot of love and attention give them oder
Do you think that babies and toddlers should never be given choices?
I agree that often there is a need for limit setting without choices, especially for younger children, but also think that offering simple choices within those limits, especially to toddlers, can be helpful and gives then many opportunities to learn.
You’ll notice in the above example I didn’t offer a choice about whether or not to be washed, I didn’t even offer a choice of when he could be washed… the limit was firm – ‘you need to have a bath’ and a single, simple choice was offered to see if having some control over the situation helped. I also said that if the choice didn’t help that the limit would still be upheld… he would still be washed.
Offering lots of choices can confuse young kids (and even older ones) who are often just wanting an adult to take control of the situation for them. It’s also not helpful to offer choices when you, the adult, are not 100% ok with the outcome, but a simple choice within a well set limit works well for my kids, even when they are little. :)
Giving choices is also great for their language as it encourages them to listen to your language and copy the model. I agree with not giving them a choice about if they are having the bath but it’s a great strategy to give them a choice as to what to take in with them..besides their language it’s also distracting them from what they don’t want to do! My boys hardly ever ‘want’ to get in the bath but then I can never get them out!!
I know 2 is still a little young, however if a child is busy and we just go and say ” ok, bath time” instead, 5 mins before bath tell the child what is going to happen in 5 mins, then maybe set a timer, say ” when the timer dings its bath time” or whatever it is you need your child to do next. It helps sometimes when the child knows what’s going to happen next and they are given time. Hopefully it helps
I use the timer a lot with my kids. It works well and they know what to listen for and then *ding….onto the next thing.
It’s a big struggle this one … they are often so caught up in what they are doing. We often turn things into a race “bet I can beat you to the bathroom”, “can you pick up more toys than me?” which my daughter enjoys and it’s one of the few tricks that work. I just hope I don’t make her super-competitive though! My nearly 18 month old has discovered screaming – there is not much reasoning with her at the moment. Thanks for all the tips!
THis post was great! Always love to hear different strategies for toddlers, and in fact all ages as we will get there son enough! Hmm for the bath thing, (if i ever encounter resistance) I offer my toddler the choice of bath or shower. If she is filthy (she often is) it is not a negotiable. “You can have a bath or a shower, what would you like?” If she cries or says no, I stay calm and repeat the same question, whilst adding that if she doesn’t choose, mummy will choose.. let me tell you, that certainly works! I do this for most challenging behaviour and find it works well and she actually doesn’t really fight too much anymore, as long as she knows she has options.
Pick your battles. Sometimes you need to just let things go, others you need to prepare for the long haul.
I love these posts. They’re like great pep talks for the day.
Thanks
Cybele x
I agree! I’m trying to talk less (and practice “the eye”). I think it’s working!
Kate, I love the second one – getting up, going over to them and talking. I try really hard to do this as we have neighbors across the canal that can be heard screaming at one another at every hour of the day. I do NOT want to sound like that family and I really dislike noise so it’s good motivation.
I really like this post. Just the other day my 4 year old said, “You don’t have to shout at me. Shouting isn’t nice.” I replied that if he would listen I wouldn’t have to shout. As soon as I said it, I thought, that’s not true. I need to change the way I talk to him – either the actual words or the manner in which I deliver them. He’s right – shouting’s not nice!
Love all these tips Kate…i have been trying to use a lot more of the simple choices for them lately and when i want to get them to transition to bath, dinner, outside etc i offer an incentive which is usually a job they can help Mummy with…wipe the table, put bubbles in the bath, find mummy’s shoes for outside (while i find theirs !) it is a constant stretch to always be ahead of them and i keep trying to remind myself that the shouting will not help. i got a ‘That’s too loud mummy’ from one of the twins the other day…shame , shame ;)
Great tips I really need to work on the not yelling.
I am getting my hubby to read this too.
Respect. If you can’t listen to mommy maybe mommy can’t listen to you. Try to make it light, joke around and get laughs then get serious..
This is a great post. I need to do more of these. I do find giving choices works amazingly well. And counting to ten after asking for something to be done gives my son enough time to process the request and then decide whether or not he is going to do it. Often he will do it the instant I start counting even if he’s been totally mucking around before hand – and I’m not counting in an angry threatening way, I am just counting, quite often in quite a jolly manner. It baffles me why it works but it does.
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I need to put these on my fridge!
These are all wonderful ideas. I particularly like the one about creatings lists etc for the older kids – anything to help them meet our expectations is fantastic. I’m thinking of doing that for my 4 year old – but with pictures so he has a visual guide for morning routines etc My favourite on this list has to be the last one – that’s what it’s all about. Trying again and again – slow and steady – modelling patience and perserverence.
Oh and just a note about humour – your “baa baa poo sheep” song has been a staple around here since you posted about it last year. Honestly, breaks a tense moment every time! Probably one of the best parenting tips I’ve ever read, seriously!
Soooo glad to find this post! Every morning I wake-up and say to myself, “today is going to be a good day, I will not yell.. but by noon patients is only an unraveling thread, lol… Eye contact and a calm but sturm voice usually works, it just takes them a few to process what I had just requested.. choices are great also! But when all else fails I pick them up sit them in a chair “kitchen” for me, set the timer on the stove for 5 and when it beeps they can get up on their own. However if there is any crying, backTalking, yelling, flop’n around on the chair like a monkey I add another minute without a saying a word, when they hear the beep of timer it’s an instant attention getter.. I usually don’t acknowledge any of what they’re are doing and go on about my business, most of the time they only get up after hearing the beep!
have a question though! My three ur old WILL not give me a moments peace, I now know that group potty trips for girls is programmed before we are born! lol it’s been a yr now and she still will not go anywhere without me and I cannot go without her, this doesn’t have to involve leaving the house, she’s always on my heels repeating “I want you, I want you”.. Everyone around me thinks it’s cute, but they should spend a day with a child like her.. lol any advice on how to loosen the glue a little???
I think it’s pretty normal for most three year olds to want to be doing what their parents are doing… but it’s so draining when you don’t ever seem to get even a second to yourself isn’t it!
I wonder if setting her up with things to do ‘next’ to you rather than right there with you would help ease her into her own space a little more? So if you are cooking dinner perhaps set her up to wash some dishes in the sink while you chop the veggies, then next time perhaps the dish washing could be in a tub of water on the table… still near to you but not on top of you?
I suspect the loosening will be a gradual process and tapping into what she loves to do and using that to encourage her to separate bit by bit would be my first step. Hope that helps!
Just want to say… I am printing these and putting them in the front of my morning binder/planner! I run an in-home daycare AND homeschool so I have a house full of NO ONE listening to me.. These calmed me when I read them and its simple little reminders like this list here that remind me why I love what I do, and its not their fault. Great advice!
@MonkeyTamer. We have a lot of that from my 3 (all under the age of 6). I recently started giving each kid 12 minutes of uninterrupted mama time after work. When it’s your turn you get to snuggle up on the couch with zero competition. When the timer goes off, we rotate. I emphasize that when you respect someone else’s turn, they will respect yours. So far it’s cut down the excessive grab for attention all afternoon & evening.
I also request from them time to myself. “I need 20 minutes to listen to the news before I get up” or “I would love to play trains after I sit quietly and finish my coffee.” They are surprisingly respectful of this approach :)
Hope it helps :)
I love these post and they came at a great time. I struggle to get my almost 5 year old to listen and my 2 year old also, who copies everything he does. It’s nice to see we are not alone. I am printing this out. Thanks for sharing. :-)