Don’t Ask my Anxious Child to ‘Suck it Up’.

"You wouldn’t make a child with a broken leg run a race, so don’t ask me to force my anxious child to do things they find difficult."

” Kids are anxious, afraid and risk-averse because parents are more focused on keeping their children safe, content and happy in the moment than on parenting for competence.” – Jessica Lahey

I don’t doubt that this statement is true, but I also cringe when I read it.

I am living with a whole different kind of childhood anxiety, but one that often seems to be painted with the same brush.

Some kids might be anxious because parents are too focused on safety rather than long term competence, but some kids are anxious because their brains work differently.

Some kids are anxious because they have real mental health issues, but many people seem to think the answer to anxious kids is parenting.

People seem to think if I just stop ‘babying’ my anxious child they’d be fine. Or if I just teach them to be more ‘resilient’, or if I was just tougher and made them do the things they find difficult, or if I told them to ‘suck it up’… then my child would be fine.

If only it was that easy.

If only I could parent away my child’s anxiety, and metal health issues.
If only I could say or do something to magically make them ‘tougher’ or ‘more resilient’.
If only I knew what caused my child’s mental health to spiral out of control. If I could just pinpoint the cause then maybe I could stop it happening again.

I can not tell you how much I wish I could make it all just magically disappear.
I can not tell you how many days I’ve spent worrying about what I did or didn’t do to cause this, or what I might be able to do or change to make it better.

But it’s not that simple.

I’ve tried being tougher and we work on resilience every day, but you wouldn’t make a child with a broken leg run a race, so don’t ask me to force my anxious child to do things they find difficult.

Children’s mental health issues are real, they are heartbreakingly real for so many families.

These are our children, this is their childhood that is being lost in a world of sadness, fear and struggle.

Please don’t brush this aside as a ‘helicopter parenting’ problem, because sometimes it is more than that, and we need your understanding and support, we don’t need to be told to ‘suck it up’.

Do you have a child struggling with anxiety or other mental health issues?
You are not alone.

 

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61 Comments

  1. Hit home for me! I have 2 that are anxious and we get judged all the time.
    Judgy parents are big part of the problem in today’s society!

    The only exception to this piece I would make is this:

    “I’ve tried being tougher…don’t ask me to force my anxious child to do things they find difficult. ”

    Don’t ask me to force my anxious child to do things that ARE difficult/challenging for him.
    Not just “find difficult”! Anxiety pushes boulders into the path that are no small obstacle!

    Not only is it an ‘invisible disability’, anxiety affects so many aspects of life. Sometimes I wonder if people judge children with anxiety because it often presents itself so differently in children as opposed to adults. In one of my children with anxiety, it presents as anger, irrationality and sometimes rudeness.
    Anxiety is one slippery fish

    1. You are spot on, and so is the boulder analogy!
      I had a child who was ‘a bit anxious’ for a long time, but that is entirely different to having a child who now has an anxiety disorder. It is not merely a bit of a bump when they are worrying about something, it is now a huge boulder when their brain is not working as it should be.

  2. OMG, this article made me feel so much better. My 9yo son has anxiety and has always shown signs of it. He’s doing OK after completing a course that taught him all about anxiety and giving him some skills to deal with it, BUT we still have good days and bad days. It has been suggested that it is my parenting and that if I just told him to suck it up then he’d be fine. Whilst I have stepped back somewhat to help him develop and refine his skills, I still need to very much offer him the support he requires.

    I often ask people that comment that my parenting may be causing the anxiety “Is his anxiety caused by the way I parent, or do I parent the way I do because of his anxiety?”. Nevertheless, these commentaries often leave me doubting my parenting skills and I feel as though his anxiety is all my fault. However, I am seeing him grow and develop independence, although it isn’t a straight line forward. We frequently have a two steps forward and one step back type of progress. BUT the important thing is we are always moving forward no matter the pace. It often helps me to reflect back 12 months to see just how far he’s progressed with managing his anxiety and that helps me stay positive and try and believe I am a good parent that is just trying to do the best for her child.

  3. Thank you! I have 6 children… all raised in the same home with the same parenting. I also have a little one who from very early on was shy and nervous and not eager to meet anyone new. She is only 2.5 and so very different then the 4 before her. We had our grand finale baby and she has zero anxiety. What makes one child in a gaggle of family members the one with anxiety? That I don’t know.. but I know where I stand. I will give her all the time and space she needs to explore her world. I will be by her side even if it means I have to miss out on so many activities we normally would be doing. Her heart is mine to guard. As I do so she grows and trusts and moves forward but all in her time… and since I’m her mama I can’t think of any other way I would want to raise her. Safe, loved, noticed, and cared for. I don’t know that I see this as a mental illness in my home… I just see it as needing to move slower so she isn’t trepidation’s and knows she will be ok. Maybe I’m wrong? Either way we will walk it together and not give two seconds of thought to those who judge me. ?

  4. comparing a broken leg to “anxiety” is wrong. with a broken leg you still move around with help (crutches, walker, etc.) same should go for anxiety, if you just lay there you’re letting anxiety win and not helping yourself.

    1. That’s exactly right… “with a broken leg you still move around with help”.. WITH HELP.
      Children with anxiety deserve as much HELP and support and accommodations as a child with a broken leg. You give a child with a broken leg crutches, you don’t just say ‘I know your leg is broken but too bad, just walk anyway’, so why do so many people see a child with anxiety and say ‘you just need to suck it up and push through it’ without offering any help or support?? Just because you can’t see mental illness, doesn’t mean it is not as valid or as disabling as a physical issue.