Don’t Ask my Anxious Child to ‘Suck it Up’.
” Kids are anxious, afraid and risk-averse because parents are more focused on keeping their children safe, content and happy in the moment than on parenting for competence.” – Jessica Lahey
I don’t doubt that this statement is true, but I also cringe when I read it.
I am living with a whole different kind of childhood anxiety, but one that often seems to be painted with the same brush.
Some kids might be anxious because parents are too focused on safety rather than long term competence, but some kids are anxious because their brains work differently.
Some kids are anxious because they have real mental health issues, but many people seem to think the answer to anxious kids is parenting.
People seem to think if I just stop ‘babying’ my anxious child they’d be fine. Or if I just teach them to be more ‘resilient’, or if I was just tougher and made them do the things they find difficult, or if I told them to ‘suck it up’… then my child would be fine.
If only it was that easy.
If only I could parent away my child’s anxiety, and metal health issues.
If only I could say or do something to magically make them ‘tougher’ or ‘more resilient’.
If only I knew what caused my child’s mental health to spiral out of control. If I could just pinpoint the cause then maybe I could stop it happening again.
I can not tell you how much I wish I could make it all just magically disappear.
I can not tell you how many days I’ve spent worrying about what I did or didn’t do to cause this, or what I might be able to do or change to make it better.
But it’s not that simple.
I’ve tried being tougher and we work on resilience every day, but you wouldn’t make a child with a broken leg run a race, so don’t ask me to force my anxious child to do things they find difficult.
Children’s mental health issues are real, they are heartbreakingly real for so many families.
These are our children, this is their childhood that is being lost in a world of sadness, fear and struggle.
Please don’t brush this aside as a ‘helicopter parenting’ problem, because sometimes it is more than that, and we need your understanding and support, we don’t need to be told to ‘suck it up’.
Do you have a child struggling with anxiety or other mental health issues?
You are not alone.
Thank you for this. I knew my son was “different” by the time he was 18 months old & by 7 it was obvious that there were some issues. Unfortunately I did not seek help for him until he was 10 when he had a complete “break” & was unable to attend school. He is now 17 & still fighting anxiety & panic & Major Depressive Disorder. Ongoing CBT & Psychopharmacology helps him make it through each day. Thankfully. Still, it is difficult. Just this weekend he told me “it is exhausting being me.” My greatest regrets in life are not seeking help for him earlier & not speaking out when people tried to “bully” me (or him) into being tougher. These days we are fairly open about his anxiety and depression for two reasons – one it is just to hard to hide it or try to explain it away & two if our talking about it helps even one other kid or parent to feel less alone, we will talk forever.
I absolutely loved this posts. I could have written this myself. Thank you! I am going through it with my anxious daughter.
Hi Kate,
Thank you for this wonderful post. I have posted your image today with ‘you are not alone’ on my facebook page. You will have touched a lot of people with this post.
Stacey from My Tiny Book :)
My nine-year-old granddaughter is “afraid of being afraid”. A trip to the pediatrician causes hysterics because she “might” have to have a shot and it “might” hurt. She is terrified of those Halloween superstores because she “might” see some unknown “something scary”. At the same time, she is very adept in most social situations, and is an excellent student.
Her mama has dealt with anxiety issues stemming from sexual abuse as a young girl, and works very hard to not pass that anxiety on to her daughters. At the same time we are extra vigilant in potentially dangerous situations — no sleepovers, no playing at houses where we don’t know the family and friends extremely well, etc.
Children have some many levels of competency, and outsiders have no business passing judgment on others’ parenting skills. Anyone who tells an anxious child to “suck it up” needs to mind his/her own business.
Thank you for an excellent blog post. – Fawn
Interesting blog. I have two boys, one aged 10 and one age 13. One is extremely anxious, one is not at all. They have grown up in the same house, same parents, same parenting style … nothing has been different for these two, so I know he was born this way. I have learnt that my anxious son must be dealt with in a completely different manner than his brother. And that is ok with me!
I see a lot of myself in this post & comments. I have a parent who–in different words–constantly told me to “suck it up”. I recently discovered I’m an anxious person, I’m an introvert, and I’m a Highly Sensitive Person. Now that I know this about me, things are making a lot more sense…..I understand myself a little better.
I’ve also struggled with depression since–probably–before puberty, which was also not recognized and treated until I was in my 20s.
Life would have been SO much different (and better) if I’d had a parent that tried to understand me and encourage me.
THANK YOU! Loud clapping! Our children and parents with anxiety need space and the ability to learn how to cope with their inner struggle. Pushing, urging, and making a spectacle of the shy/anxious child will not magically make them an extrovert without anxious thoughts. Again thank you for this post!
God bless
Heather Laurie
SpecialNeedsHomeschooling.com
Hi, interesting article, as a mum of 6 kids it was a big surprise when my youngest daughter started pre-school she hated it, screaming the place down, holding onto me and the gate not wanting me to leave her there. Sometime we were both in tears. The teacher said she had never seen someone get so upset. I thought after a few days she would be fine but after 8 weeks of this is was very distressing.
We tried all different things wearing matching bracelets, me staying for half of each class, having her dad drop her off nothing worked.
One of the biggest challenges as well was her behaviour at home changed not letting me or my husband out of her sight, she would get very upset if I went out and she stayed home.
We ended up talking to a councellor who had a great idea of buying her a calendar and putting a sticker on every day that she had to go to school then she could see what her routine was, 3 days of school then 4 days with me. It worked very quickly. She ended up being very happy from term 2, after a difficult start she ended up being happy.
I was very nervous about her starting kindy this year but she has been great, only 2 or 3 days with a couple of tear. She still finds it hard if her routine is changed out of the blue but as she grows in self-confidence she is improving.
Nealry every day she will say my tummy hurts my head is dizzy and I just give her a hug and say yes I know and then we get ready for school. I find that acknowledging her and not dismissing her has worked really well. I know that she is still nervous about going to school and she knows I always will come to pick her up.
Its been a tricky time but also very rewarding seeing her blossom in her personality and be more confident.
Yes yes yes…..this is my life with my 17 year old daughter….. My husband just doesn’t get it and says the exact thing… Suck it up…. Your story needs to be in every newspaper..people just don’t understand or care to try to understand. Thank you for writing what I was thinking
Great post, thank you! My 6 year old is a sensitive boy, who can be anxious. We have found RIE and positive parenting to be very helpful. I am also looking into gut health and GAPS
I don’t have an anxious child, but I WAS an anxious child. So bad, in fact, I flunked kindergarten because I wouldn’t talk to my teachers. I was home schooled after that. Going to summer camp and being forced to participate in games and socialize was terrifying. Like gut wrenching, heart about to beat right out of your chest and you feel sick kind of terror.
I wish I could say it goes away. But truthfully, it doesn’t. I still fight with it everyday, especially the social aspect. However, it gets easier to manage over time.
Hi Kate, I am so pleased to have found your blog posted on a friend’s page. I used to be a primary school teacher and now I’m mother to two adorable boys. One particularly adorable had high functioning ASD. And I’m sure you understand not to be fooled by that ‘high functioning’ bit. Yes he’s very smart. Very creative, very talented but he’s also very anxious, very emotional, very sad at times, very challenging.
I feel so alone. I feel like I’m the only one truly in his corner.
He’s nearly 12 and I’m often told that I ‘let him get away with murder’ or ‘don’t teach him any resilience’ or I’m ‘being manipulated’.
From the research I’ve done and all the specialists we’ve seen, I believe that I’m juggling the balance of comfort and courage quite well. But don’t ask his teacher or other close family members……
Thank you so much for writing words that make so much sense. Thank you for providing a platform, for those of us doing our best to parent anxious kids, to share our stories and feel a part of community.
Life is not always easy but that certainly doesn’t mean it’s bad. I look at my beautiful sons and I’m certain that life is very good.
Thanks so much
Sair
As a holistic therapist, I use art therapy with children and adults to slowly peel away the layers of emotional issues. Many times, the initiating fear-creating scenario (as perceived by the child) would never be perceived as such by an adult.
When children express anxiety about every day things like the weather, it can help them to balance out their negative feelings by asking questions like “What is good about the weather?”, “How does this weather help you/us?”. By making a list of all the benefits to themselves and those around them, they can equilibrate their perception of these events and thus reduce their anxiousness about them.
My Daughter has suffered with anxiety since the age of 4 and is now 6. I know she was born this way also, she takes after me and my side of the family unfortunately! I am looking for books etc to learn her about anxiety, I think this may help now she can understand a bit more.
There is a great book available on Book Depository called “The Hug Bag of Worries” by Virginia Ironside. It’s a picture book which is appropriate for your daughter’s age.
My daughter is 9 years old and her father and I have been separated for 7 years I believe she has anxiety but not sure I do have her in counseling and I would just like to know how this is diagnosed .Her attitude is horrible toward me. She tells me no and does not listen. I am an older mom and she is spoiled . her dad is not supportive although she does see him. She always tells me she wants to live with her dad. She told me her dad told her she cant live with him til shes 12 cause then she could stay home alone while hes at work. He tells me ive created the mess its my fault so deal with it . She talks to me nastily is very mean to me and disrespectful . she has a heart of gold loves elderly people always concerned I just don’t get it I’m very confused and upset and I also have family members and friends that are telling me how to parent or giving me advice on how to parent and is so frustrating cuz it’s easier said than done . She is very independent and wants to hang out with teenagers and not children her age. When she hangs out with children her age she treats them like babies and is very controlling. Shes just met with her counselor twice so far. How long will it take for him to diagnose her ? please help thank you Denise
I’m sorry to hear you and your daughter are struggling right now.
I am not an expert on child mental health or diagnosis and I’m sure it varies from child to child and specialist to specialist… but please talk to your counselor about all this, you need to be part of the help your daughter is getting so talk with your specialist and ask them what they are doing, what you can expect, and how you can be part of it.
Much love and strength to you.
Thanks for the advice. She has been to see her counselor 3 times. ] was in on one of them so im unassuming it may take a couple more visits for him to diagnose the issue ?#?#?
Wow, this makes me feel so much better about what we are going through right now. My son has a lot of anxiety to the point it affects what we do as a family every day. If you asked what he’d like to do today the answer is always ‘just be at home.’ He loves just being at home with his family. We battle constantly about pushing him to do new things or to let him be. I wish we had more support to help us through and help him deal with his worries but it is always passed off as he’s just a kid. So I’ve taken it upon myself to read a lot deeper into childhood anxiety (I studied psychology at university, so know a little) and we’re helping him the best way we can. He is an absolute star and so happy in himself, he’s just been through so much already and I believe these anxieties come from his medical condition and many trips to the hospital with uncaring and unhelpful people.
My child has anxiety problems. She is 9 years old and a great daughter. I have done everything the school and doctors have advised in the past few months since she has been “diagnosed” in order to try and help her feel less anxious about things and I am very proud of how my daughter is trying to cope with the worries she feels. I am very lucky because she talks to me (I’m a single parent) about what’s on her mind and we try and sort things out or work on improving how she feels together. But I am so sick of her being told to “man-up” by the very teacher who called me in to school to tell me she was concerned about how my girl dealt with things. Tonight my daughter told me that it has been said to her so many times she can’t remember how many and always in front of her school friends. I am lost……..surely this is not a helpful thing to say?
Oh that is so rough, and sadly not only have I experienced this, but I’ve heard from many others who have also experienced it – which is why I wrote this post.
I really think it is a lack of understanding – people think that with a bit of a push you really can ‘suck it up’. This year I’ve worked hard on educating the people around my child and explaining that anxiety is not logical, and it is not controllable, and most people (including me before this became a part of our lives) never really understood that. Once they understand better, they do better.
I hope you and your daughter find people to support her with love and understanding.
Hi everyone, I am dealing with this issue as well. My 12 year old has always had anxiety. We deal with it every time a new task comes up. My daughter is a straight A student because she’s “scared to get the answer wrong” she does not like to try new things but when I get her to she ends up excelling quickly! My problem is my boyfriend of 4 years now is constantly telling her to “suck it up” Or “stop it” she thinks I did everything for her and now she’s just being lazy. He’s started picking on everything she does. And now she’s scared to do anything or play with anything because she’s scared to get introuble for doing it wrong.. It’s killing us. He says she’s the problem.. And I have no one to talk to about it.. He won’t listen or try to understand.. I’m just alone in this fight to keep her from turning into a home bound hermit. And to top it off she has some OCD also. Scared of something happening to me, scared of bacteria in meat or ticks in the forest when we go camping.. but any time she mentions something about it he yells at her and says get over it… ? He was raised in a hard working family.. How do I get him to see the other side of this??
Oh my heart goes out to you! What a tricky situation to be in!
Would your partner talk to someone about this? Does your daughter see a psychologist? Would the pysch be willing to talk with your boyfriend perhaps?
I hope you can sort things out and move forward. Much love to you.
I have a 10yr old son with anxiety, ADHD and he’s on the autism spectrum. He was my first child so it took time to figure out the difference between him being stubborn/strong-willed v. anxious/panicked. It’s not easy and we’ve worked hard to find the balance between when to give him time/space to adjust and avoiding activities that are triggers v. when to push him beyond his comfort zone to face something and overcome the anxiety. It also takes time every year to educate his teachers and help them find the balance as well so he can be successful in school. If we gave in every time he started to show signs of anxiety I feel like he would not grow. Pushing him while supporting him has allowed him to learn how to deal with his emotions and face scary things with more confidence. We’re certainly not saying “suck it up” or “stop being a baby” but sometimes telling him “I know you’re scared or I know this is hard but you need to find a way to make it happen and I’m here to help you” is the key to getting him past the stuff that is holding him back. But we make choices on which “battles” to fight and sometimes not forcing the issue is the better solution.
I think you are spot on… it is not about letting our kids with anxiety (or other issues) just give up, it’s abut supporting them to keep trying, to challenge themselves, to work out ways to do things they find difficult. But telling a child with anxiety to just ‘suck it up’ or to ‘stop being a baby’ is not the way to challenge them or to have them try things they find difficult, in my experience that is a sure fire way to have them shut down and be unable to do anything. You wouldn’t tell a child in a wheel chair to just get up and run that race and stop being difficult, you’d find ways that they could join in and challenge themselves with the understanding of what they are dealing with…. just like with a child with anxiety, you’d find ways and offer support and strategies (and sometimes that means just waiting until the full on anxiety that shuts them down has passed) for them with an understanding of what they are dealing with. Just because the challenge is not visible doesn’t make it any less real.