” Kids are anxious, afraid and risk-averse because parents are more focused on keeping their children safe, content and happy in the moment than on parenting for competence.” – Jessica Lahey
I don’t doubt that this statement is true, but I also cringe when I read it.
I am living with a whole different kind of childhood anxiety, but one that often seems to be painted with the same brush.
Some kids might be anxious because parents are too focused on safety rather than long term competence, but some kids are anxious because their brains work differently.
Some kids are anxious because they have real mental health issues, but many people seem to think the answer to anxious kids is parenting.
People seem to think if I just stop ‘babying’ my anxious child they’d be fine. Or if I just teach them to be more ‘resilient’, or if I was just tougher and made them do the things they find difficult, or if I told them to ‘suck it up’… then my child would be fine.
If only it was that easy.
If only I could parent away my child’s anxiety, and metal health issues.
If only I could say or do something to magically make them ‘tougher’ or ‘more resilient’.
If only I knew what caused my child’s mental health to spiral out of control. If I could just pinpoint the cause then maybe I could stop it happening again.
I can not tell you how much I wish I could make it all just magically disappear.
I can not tell you how many days I’ve spent worrying about what I did or didn’t do to cause this, or what I might be able to do or change to make it better.
But it’s not that simple.
I’ve tried being tougher and we work on resilience every day, but you wouldn’t make a child with a broken leg run a race, so don’t ask me to force my anxious child to do things they find difficult.
Children’s mental health issues are real, they are heartbreakingly real for so many families.
These are our children, this is their childhood that is being lost in a world of sadness, fear and struggle.
Please don’t brush this aside as a ‘helicopter parenting’ problem, because sometimes it is more than that, and we need your understanding and support, we don’t need to be told to ‘suck it up’.
Do you have a child struggling with anxiety or other mental health issues?
You are not alone.
Mandy says
Oh my god you hit the nail on the head for me and my family right now.
So much emotion in your words.
If I knew what the right thing was to say, to do, believe me I would do it in a heart beat.
I wish my child was resilient, I worry so much for what the future holds but I sure as hell dont wrap them in cotton wool. We can only walk along side them, try and gain some insight if any in to how they think and encourage them the best we can.
People should parent their own children and allow others to do the same.
In many ways it’s great to know I’m not alone but in others it disheartening to know so many families are going through similar experiences.
Great post.
katepickle says
I have to admit I was surprised to learn so many other families are struggling with this… that there are so many children out there with mental health issues and that it seems young kids (those who are not yet teenagers) and their families seem to have the least understanding and support.
Though I understand why people don’t talk about it much… part of me would love to yell it from the roof tops and raise awareness any way I can, but I know that will not help my child right now, and I need to put my child first. So instead I mention it occasionally, when I can do so in a way that doesn’t cause distress, because I know I felt such relief when I discovered I was not alone. Much love and strength to you and your family as you deal with this struggle.
Marla says
Very well put, Mandy.
Tracy says
This brought tears to my eyes and warmed my heart. I can’t stand that other families struggle with this, but it is comforting to know we’re not alone.
Bclc71 says
Love this post. So much. Thank you. Anxiety and mental health challenges are a big focus in my family.
I remember when my girl was about 18 mths. She bit her nails. Someone who knew her reasonably well ( and could see other signs) suggested that this was a sign of stress. I remember thinking what kind of stress could a baby have. I though anxiety was an adult thing. I just didn’t know. People who don’t have anxiety don’t know. They judge others from their own experiences.
I know people don’t understand why we do things the way we do. Luckily I don’t need their approval. I am clear of our priorities.
I am cautious about how I talk about it in respect of her need for privacy.
katepickle says
Yes, while part of me wants to talk about it to raise awareness and possibly stop others having to deal with ignorance and lack of support… I am also cautious about how and when I speak about it.
Your child is lucky to have someone in their corner who puts her first. Much love and strength to you.
Danielle says
I can so relate to this. I want to shout to the mountain tops to raise awareness but don’t want draw attention to my teen to be judged anymore than he already is. A Lot of his anxiety is projected as frustration and refusal to try what needs to be done. I have tried to open up more but have only found it makes things worse because people think I’m making excuses (maybe I am). I want to shout to those with their “perfect” children “that until they walk in my shoes, then don’t judge how I choose to parent. They have no idea how many hours through the years that we have researched strategies to help our children, so don’t insult us by telling me what I need to do or what you see. They never see the worst we have to deal with in the privacy of our home when our kids feel safe to let it all out. Sorry, got a little windy here. We have come so far, and it’s just hard when things are going well and you just wait for the other shoe to drop.
Simply Belinda says
I hear you. My little guy has a good friend at under 4 is a sensitive and anxious child. There is family history there with one parent but to their credit they do their absolute utmost to not have their anxieties create issues for their child.
Unfortunately though the issue is there.. the plus is that parent involved has done a heap of work with their own issues so has tools to offer the child, when they become developmentally appropriate. The knowledgeable parent works hard to actively work through the worries that create the behaviour, The minus is the shared custody parent doesn’t have a clue and is confused why the child is clinging one minute, then after being pushed into the fray of preschool interaction, is and trying to fight his way through life with his feet and hands if someone encroaches on his “space”. The suck it up attitude of the second parent just creates a whole world of pain for this precious little man.
Some things are parenting , but most are not. If the trigger is there it’s there.. if it’s not they are likely to sail through with nary a scratch with “normal” bad parenting , helicopter or not.
Best wishes
Belinda
Mama says
My mantra to my children is “we all have something” … sometimes you can see it, sometimes you can’t. Do not judge, be kind. You never really know what is going on with someone else. We are all different, and that’s ok. I could fill in a book’s worth of backstory, but that’s really the long and short of it.
Marla says
I can’t even tell you how timely this post is for me. I have an anxious 8 year old daughter who just these last few weeks is living with the mother who FINALLY has decided to say fuck it to all of the external pressures (i.e. school) trying to fit her square peg into a round hole. No one knows my daughter better than I do, and my instincts are GOOD. I have finally started to listen to them. So now that I have started to listening for my daughter’s sake, I went through a very rough drop off at school with my son. I have to vent it out here because it is so fresh and I am still pissed. (I apologize for the language, but it’s one of those days). My 5 year old son didn’t want to let a certain teacher get him out of the car this morning, so as he was very anxiously asking for me to do it, I opened my door to get him out. The teacher snapped, “NO. I WILL DO IT.” And FORCEFULLY pulled my screaming child out of the car and into the school. I was so disappointed in myself for not standing up for my son and letting this teacher do this, but he pulled my son out too fast for me to react. I had called the school afterwards to let them know what had happened, and the principal had told me that she saw it and had already sent the teacher an email about it. I felt reassured and validated, but still guilty.
These are just children, and they are all different. In the not so distant past, I have caught myself wishing that my kids were different and more resilient, but I am over that. They are mine and I couldn’t love them more if I tried. And I love them exactly how they are, no matter what. Everyone in life has struggles. My job as a parent to my beautiful individual kids is to find a way to guide them that best suits their needs. Of course, that right there is probably the hardest job a parent has and I wish someone would just tell me how to do it, but it doesn’t quite work that way, does it….
So we as parents and caregivers, need to stick together. Your posts help us all to do that. Strength in numbers! Thank you.
JANE says
Omg I’m with you on this. We’ve just exhausted ourselves with our now 13 year old who had been a very happy outgoing child up until about 18 months ago. Second year intermediate and changes were noticeable. He loves school esp interaction socially however, his needs have not been met with the teachers teaching front row or spending more time with the A grade learners and less time with ones who are more auditory or kinaesthetic. Our fun ended with recent chronic anxiety, tourettes, tics, extreme anger and threats and I know our child had suicide thoughts. Help from school was useless. I only got a meeting because I went on social media and asked my friends for help. Great way to get action. We employed our own ed psych also. Our child classified by school as troublemaker and well below learning standards. Pfft don’t they do prof development anymore? Rtlb next to useless… Put child in a box after talking with school first so already half the report from them was cooked. Cahms involved now and finally some commonsense. Gifted and talented child who needs a quiet environment plus more one to one learning. We always knew sharp mind. You don’t exceed in chess playing plus win art comps and gold medals in sports without being g and t. School meeting saw unprofessional rtlb lose the plot when questioned about the reports… Didn’t match school report even though based on same day. Sadly, we don’t have many choices of schools so options limited. The school’s bullies start at the top. Any wonder why there’s excessive amounts of kids failing education.
katepickle says
I’m so sorry that you’ve had to battle so hard to get the support and acceptance your child deserves. I hope that the more we talk about these issues the more understanding, support and encouragement our kids will get.
Scott says
I don’t think we need to tell ANY child to just “suck it up.” If a child has a mental health issue; if the child is just encountering an unfamiliar situation; if the child is a product of helicopter parenting – whatever the situation, teachers/adult need to work to understand the child and his needs and feelings. TO CARE. If a child is feeling anxious or uncomfortable or concerned about something, we need to encourage and help and do what we can, but we shouldn’t just ignore. I’m sorry for adults who do this to your child…to any child.
Joy says
I was an anxious child and it definitely was NOT because of helicopter parenting. I was just like that. I remember constantly being told I needed to speak up, not be so shy, that being anxious and shy was wrong… and it always made me feel worse about it (I couldn’t have been older than 8 at the time). Judgement and stupid comments aside, I remember feeling AWFUL all the time. EVERYTHING was just TOO MUCH. As a teen and adult, I developed coping mechanisms, became better at controlling it, but I had to do it on my own. And it was rough.
After at least a decade of no anxiety outside of what would be “normal”, a trauma has brought it back worse than ever. And I am STILL told I need to “suck it up” and “pray harder”, and that my anxiety is wrong.
I think that my childhood anxiety has at least helped me to help my own child and others that I worked with with their own anxiety.
Jeanine says
Katie, you always move me emotionally when you share your personal parenting posts… I cannot tell you how IMPORTANT child anxiety is. Childrens Mental Health. Etc. I have two completely different children. Both have equally difficult mental health issues at total different ends of spectrum. My first has had HUGE REAL LIVE Anxiety since age 5. I remember the exact day & EVERY Moment of her first Anxiety Attack–STILL, 10 years later ppl doubt her, don’t understand her, blame it on other things, just simply don’t understand… Even family. FINALLY, after 10 YEARS of Hospitals, Doctors, Nuerologists, it took ONE SPECIAL psychiatrist 40 MINUTES to diagnose. With a name came real relief understanding, unbelievable Acceptance and Comfort to both our souls… Years of school badgering and beyond, finally a diagnosis. I can’t tell you how much I Alpreciate this post. Child anxiety is REAL.100% and there’s MOMS I Know That Need to see these types of posts. Thank you for doing part in raising awareness by sharing xox
alice says
Awesome post. This book has some really practical ideas and helped me understand anxiety in myself and my child
http://www.amazon.com/The-Opposite-Worry-Parenting-Childhood-ebook/dp/B00BRUQ77W
Alice says
You can probably get this book from local library. So many great tools for helping children understand anxiety and manage it, from the playful parenting psychologist, Lawrence Cohen
Sarah says
My four year old has always been cautious, despite my encouragement to try new things and take risks. He worries about dying, he worries about the weather, he worries about people leaving and never coming back. The other night he woke up from a nightmare (where he was about to be a dinosaurs dinner, thank you ill-timed Jurrasic Park commercial) with his heart pounding. He knew it was just a dream but the sensations in his body were too much and he was terrified his heart was going to stop. He said maybe it was shrinking. I held him until he calmed down, but I can assure you that I didn’t turn my child into the anxious bundle of nerves he can some times be. It’s just the way he is.
Carol says
Wow..I have anxiety too. I find it crippling at times as well..But I also feel like I have to be a functioning adult/person. So I FORCE myself to do the things I REALLY don’t want to do. And in the end, I find that it was not as terrifying as I thought it would be. My daughter has similar issues, and I let her know it’s OK to have those feelings and odds are, the situation won’t be NEARLY as bad as she thinks it’s going to be…YOur imagination is more powerful that real life at times….she is overcoming it…just like I do..I get out more than I used to..and so does she..
Travelogged says
I can so relate to this because my child is a picky eater, and people always suggest that I just serve the foods he won’t eat because eventually he’ll have to eat and then he’ll eat the foods he doesn’t like. No thank you! No starving in this house. And that advice is always from people whose kids eat everything so they’ve never tried this barbaric tactic. In general, we need to have more compassion for children and parents.
Maria says
Thank you , signa, advocacy… Just words when you face the suck it up , attitude
We do as much as possible for our daughter her meds had been adjusted in the pat 2 months as her anxiety has increased with the school year and her dad that doesn’t trust medicines thinks she needs to be stronger … It’s a lot harder to deal when is her own dad … Well get through it . Thank you for your post
Beth Bronsil says
i am a retired Montessori teacher. I have a free enrichment program for young children that meets once a week. I had a five year old with an anxiety disorder. He needed space every day to be by himself. I let him have the space and many times he would sit by his coat hook and cry. After 20 minutes he would go to the clay table and use clay for thirty minutes. After that time he seemed comfortable in the classroom. His mother told me that the Kindergarten teacher said he had ADHD. I did not observe that behavior. It worries me that young children are given labels based on very little observation. Our education system is demanding that young children do what is developmentally inappropriate for their age group.
Rachel says
My son sounds like that boy. He gets very anxious in social settings unless he’s just ignored and allowed to adjust on his own time. His anxiety comes out in anger though. He doesn’t just cry, but he hits and screams and says mean things (he’s three). People have blamed my parenting in spite of the fact I have three older kids that are very sweet and sociable.
Emma says
I’ve found that the people who would say something like “just get over it” or “you’ll get used to it” to an anxious child are people who have no children!
Colleen says
Anxiety is a big thing in my family. I, myself, suffer from it. My husband said all my son needs is good patenting. He could not be more wrong. Glad there’s support for us out there.
Roslyn says
I also have extreme anxiety to the point I cannot work so it’s understandable that my little boy is anxious too. What doesn’t help is teachers, carers, family telling me how to parent without giving me any support – unless you count criticism as support.
Rharvey says
Yes. Yes. Yes. As a mom who has just recently stopped taking others well intentioned advice, and started trusting my own instincts, I needed this.
debbiedarline says
My daughter is a Highly Sensitive Person (see Dr. Elaine Aron’s work if you are unfamiliar with this trait). One of the acronyms Dr. Aron uses to explain this trait (which occurs in about 20% of the population) is DOES (D – Depth of processing, O – easily Overstimulated, E – Emotionally reactive and S – Sensitive to subtle stimuli). Understanding this trait was KEY to supporting my daughter as she grew up. Some people are just genetically wired this way. To say “suck it up” to a child like this, or to criticize their parent’s ability to raise children correctly is just plain ignorant. It’s like asking a child to put their hand on a hot burner on the stove and then saying “Stop your whining – stop being so sensitive, just suck it up!”
Another source of great information was the work of Dr. Tom Boyce and his work studying children. He came up with the terms “orchid” children and “dandelion” children to describe the differences.
My “orchid” daughter and “dandelion” son are 13 months apart and as different as night and day. They are both doing well as adults now – 28 and 29 years old.
At any rate – I just want to offer a few words of encouragement to parents who are distressed about how to appropriately parent their HSP children. You are doing a great job! Just trust your instincts! These children just need a little more tender loving care.
Fi says
There is a lot of research showing many anxious children benefit greatly from probiotics. Gut health has a major impact on mental health.
Penny Ash says
I swear my child came out of the womb like this! I have been judged over and over. I “coddle” her, I’m “overprotective”. I am NO SUCH THING. My child gets so panicky and my heart sometimes breaks for her. She does fine in crowds, but certain things can set her off. Thanks for telling your families struggles.