Find Compassion for your Child.
He throws himself on the floor and cries.
Perhaps his arm is broken, or I’ve just shoved bamboo wedges under his finger nails… or perhaps he is just being a pain in the bum, pushing my buttons, being a ‘terrible two year old’.
His arm is definitely not broken, I don’t have any bamboo wedges handy and as for those last few ideas? I wonder if those are just created by a society that often sees parenting as an ‘us against them’ game of control.
I fall into that trap myself every now and then.
When he is throwing a whopper tanty or yelling “no!” in my face, I often jump to the conclusion that he is doing that just to annoy me, to be contrary. It’s easy to feel that way with a toddler, but in reality, he is a small person who is most probably confused, frustrated and just plain sad.
According to Child Development theorists, at 23 months old Noah hasn’t long figured out that he is actually a separate person to me or others, and he is still very ego-centric. That means that he can’t possibly fathom that I don’t feel the exact same way that he does. He really can not see things from my point of view.
When you know this little tid bit of child development theory, the idea that a toddler is even capable of doing something just to annoy an adult seems a bit silly. But when you are there, in the moment, that little bit of knowledge doesn’t always pop into your head, and it doesn’t always make it any easier to deal with the situation.
What I’ve been trying to remember, right then, in that kicking screaming moment, is to find compassion for my child.
If I can find compassion for him, then I can remember that the tears are probably because he is frustrated.
He is only just figuring out that if he wants a drink, he needs to ask for it, that I won’t simply know that. And he is only just learning the words and non-verbal ques to use to ask for that drink. That stuff is hard when you are almost two. And when it doesn’t all work out the way it is supposed to, then all these crazy feelings come bubbling up until all he knows how to do is throw himself on the floor and howl.
If I can find compassion for him, then maybe my response will come from love and understanding, instead of anger. Or maybe all I can do is keep my mouth closed, not yell, and be present while he wails, because I am not a perfect parent… but even that is better than nothing.
Finding compassion for my child doesn’t mean that he gets everything he wants. Sometimes I will still say no, sometimes I can not change the laws of physics and sometimes we will still have to go… but I will tuck him, kicking and screaming, under my arm and go with compassion, instead of anger…. or at least that is my goal.
Do you have any tips for dealing with tantrums?
Any great ways to remember to have compassion for your kids?
(And yes, Noey is sporting a pretty spectacular ‘black eye’ at the moment after launching himself off the couch into the side of the coffee table. It’s actually all colours of the rainbow… the photo doesn’t do it justice.)
My flailing 2 year and I thank you. I was having these thoughts this morning, but couldn’t get them so eloquently straightened out in my brain
GREAT Post!! Its often so easy to forget that children are just that!! They may cry, throw themselves on the floor and scream hatred at you but they are your children… We may be having a bad day but they may be too… We shared a great post on the site a few months back about dad’s and something similar… http://mwwah.com.au/mwwah/you-just-broke-your-child/ Finding compassion through our bad moods is all we can try to do.. Definitely makes you take a look at yourself in t he mirror.
I really honestly don’t mean to sound like a pain in the arse, but my kids had very few tantrums and I have this theory that it was cos I stuck really rigidly to their sleep/food schedule … (I’m not implying anything about Noah or anyone else). I reckon it can be easy for them to be overstimulated, and if they get hungry well that’s the end of it … I feel kind of bad writing this! maybe I should write something on my own blog, but I just wanted to say it from experience I guess!
isn’t he cute! geez they grow up fast, enjoy it all :)
I think your are definitely on to something… even my behavior is worse when I am tired and hungry or fed-up with being around too many people etc. I can’t see why it would be any different for kids.
Lots of people talk about remembering the acronym HALT when dealing with tantrums – they say that most tantrums are caused by being Hungry, Angry, Tired or Lonely… I think that’s pretty much spot on for most kids.
I think it’s a combination of you doing the right thing and luck :)
Many tantrums are a result of low blood sugar or being overtired. You can certainly cut-down A LOT on number of tantrums with good food and sleep schedule..
but this is where luck comes in :)
my 2 year old doesn’t respond to our sleep routine in the same way every time. Even though on my part we go through the same bedtime sequence, on his part…
There were a phase of him taking my hand and literally leading me to bed and falling asleep within 15 min.
There was a phase when he refused to go to the bedroom and we slept in the sitting room because going to bed in the bedroom was so distressing to him.
A phase not being able to sleep until it’s completely dark.
A phase of not being able to sleep in the dark because he got afraid of the dark.
Again a phase of him happily going to bed and peacefully falling asleep.
I can go on and on…
oh thank goodness, cos I didn’t want to sound all smug … I’ve got two who are older, and I was a teacher as well so I’ve seen some interesting stuff over the years, haha
I definitely think that’s a great acronym! :D
I think it’s easy to let things slide a bit cos everyone is so busy and trying to get so much done …. time can go so quickly then you realise you’re still trying to get the groceries and it’s getting late and dinner is late … argh
This is a great post Kate. Sometimes I catch myself thinking ‘can’t you see I’m in the middle of doing something’ when Max is grabbing at my leg asking for cuddles or a drink or a train or whatever. It’s so important to remember that he’s just a toddler.
I enjoyed reading this post. With three under three, one older toddler and two just toddling, compassion is defiently something I have had to find! I believe communication or lack of plays a key part in meltdowns. And you are so right Kate, maintaining a centre of calm while that toddler thrashes and throws themselves about helps to diffuse the situation. My tip: They’re not giving you a hard, they’re just having a hard time. (Saw that on FB and loved it! So true!)
There is a fantastic series the BBC put out some years back called “A Child’s World”. It goes through how children develop psychologically and socially in a really interesting and accessible way. I always use it when I am teaching child studies, but I love to watch it because it reminds me of what my kids point of view would be at each age. It is a lot easier to feel that compassion I need, when I remember what they think.
I often find just getting down to his level and looking eye to stops him and he knows I am listening. Then I try really hard to understand what he is saying. I then say what I need to say. Even if it is a compromise to do what we need to do and for him to feel okay about it.
Hard one what ever we do!
I LOVE this post! Thank you for sharing, we need to find compassion for our children…it changes everything. It is NOT an ‘us against them’ thing, they are our children and we are WITH them, always. Thanks you.
I completely agree with the article and while I agree you have to be aware of sleep and meal times, I do NOT condone RIGID sleep and meal times. I don’t know anybody who eats at the exact same time every day or goes to sleep at the exact same time. I take that back…I know of 3 children. The one is completely high maintenance now if her schedule is not still strictly adhered to. The other must stick to the same strict schedule and now has a sensory disorder. Only the third is any resemblance of a child without time/structure issues. The whole rigid sleep and meal time thing sounds very much like a parenting book that has been refuted many times over as being anything but a peaceful way of parenting. Wonderful article Kate…I hope people really pay attention to what you wrote because you are spot on.
Wow. I never really thought about my son thinking that I should be feeling the same way he is. I knew they were in that ego-centric phase, but it never clicked that he really doesn’t know that I am annoyed or frustrated, etc. Thanks so much for the reminder and for putting it into a little better perspective for me. :)
I wish I had read this before my kids woke up this morning. I’m still coming to terms with my daughter’s mental illness and there are days when she just wakes up in a horrid mood. It means EVERYTHING is much harder to do. I got angry with her this morning and I know I should have been more compassionate. I don’t want to feel Mother’s guilt but it’s hard not to when you know there is a better alternative and you choose not to take it. Thankfully tomorrow is another day!
I know this isn’t applicable if you’re not religious or spiritual but when I was pregnant with my first I read a book by Thich Nhat Hahn where he talked about how every child has the full potential inside them to become Jesus or to become the Buddha, so as parents we should every moment treat our children as though we knew we were dealing with the next baby Jesus or baby Buddha because that’s who they could be.
Like you said, that doesn’t always mean they get what they want, sometimes not this second and sometimes not at all… but keeping it in mind helps me respond to them with compassion and love.
I think personality plays a huge role as well. My two had similar sleeping/eating patterns but one had (and still has) LOTS of tantrums and the other one hardly any. For my highly strung, sensitive, emotional boy there is really not much I can do but be there and wait until the tantrum subsides. For my other more placid boy, lots of things help to get him out of it, e.g. getting down on his level/listening/hugging him/distracting him/being silly etc. As his pre-school teacher recently said “he really works with me to make himself feel better – so different from his brother” (gotta love an insightful pre-school teacher!)
Sorry to disappoint Lisa, but my kids have no behavioural/spectrum difficulties at all – it was just another viewpoint – maybe I didn’t express it in the right words, but I think the main thing is to be supportive of other parents and if a suggestion works, well….. -shrug-
I love Picklebums! enjoy reading, thanks! :) (sorry about the sidetrack!)
Lovely post, Kate. Compassion with children – especially babies and toddlers is a huge passion of mine. I wrote a similar post a year ago called ‘The Tremendous Twos’. I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t mind me linking it? http://www.brightandprecious.com/2011/02/the-tremendous-twos/
I love this post, especially the title. Since I have read it I have reminded my husband and myself to find compassion for our child. Especially when we can’t stand the behaviour that they are exhibiting!
Our 4 year old started throwing really huge temper tantrums. The only way to deal with the ongoing one is to take her to her room on her bed (it is a very big bed) where she won’t harm herself or anyone else. Then I tell her she needs to calm down and then we talk.
For us it seems at different age the tantrum solutions were different. It is getting harder to switch her attention as we used to do when she was 2 and 3. Hopefully she grows out of it soon!