Zoe met me in the courtyard after school yesterday, bursting with news.
“I’m reading green dots now Mum!!!”
She’d gone up a level in reading and was practically oozing pride and joy at the prospect.
Izzy was already close to tears when she told me she was still reading ‘orange dots’. “Miss B said I am almost ready but not quite” she whined and I was waiting for the inevitable words that would come next…
“It’s not fair mum!”
Part of me wanted to march into the classroom and tell Miss B to just put Izzy up to the next level so we could avoid all the tears and whining and disappointment that was about to be heaped upon us…. but that wouldn’t be doing anyone any favours.
“It’s not fair” rang in my ears several times that afternoon and evening. It’s a tune I know very, very well. I hear it a lot.
Life according to Zoe and Izzy must be fair, and to be fair it must be equal. What one gets or does, the other must get or do. I’m sure they learnt this from me in the early days when I was so paranoid about making sure one didn’t get more of me, or of anything, than the other did. It was part of the whole ‘twin angst thing’.
Stupidly I didn’t wise up to this mistake, this impossibility, until it was well and truly entrenched in the girls’ minds.
Now days I know better. I know that being fair is not always being equal, and we are working on the concept together.
Fair does not mean equal.
Being ‘fair’ means that everyone gets what they need when they need it.
Zoe and Izzy may be twins, they may be 98% genetically identical but they are not exactly the same. They don’t like the same things, they don’t learn the same, they don’t even look the same (to me and others who know them). Yes, they are very similar (very, very similar in some ways), but that doesn’t mean they will always do or get the same things at the same time.
We will celebrate Zoe’s reading success because she deserves to feel proud of herself. This is what she needs. This is ‘fair’.
Izzy will read ‘green dots’ when she is ready to read green dots, and not before. Because this is what she needs. This is ‘fair’.
We are still working on this bizarre concept and it has been a hard lesson to learn this week.
I like your approach. But such a hard lesson, even for me when I look at what others have got sometimes!
Wow! I love this post! My two children are fairly close in age and this is a concept that we have been working on as well, although you have expressed it much more clearly and eloquently than I have managed to do.
Gorgeous picture of your girls!
I hear you. I have twin siblings. “It’s not fair” rings in my ears constantly. Oh. Actually. That is from my kids, who are not twins. LOL!
I know it’s hard to see our kids upset but there really is a lesson in there :).
Well done Zoe, and may Izzy be bringing home green dot readers very soon!
Oh man that would be HARD! I get the ‘its not fair mum!’ whines constantly and mine are 3.5 years apart! I love what you write on fairness not being the same as equality, so true :)
I haven’t quite got to this stage yet with my 2 as they are 3 years apart, but I have been thinking about it with the constant fighting. So your post if v timely and well said.
Wow! wise words there, Mama Kate. Dear Brain, please try to remember Kate’s wise words.=)
and hey, Happy FYBF!
Look at that gorgeous photo!
Hope that second green dot is fast to follow, and you all get used to the new fair/unfairs soon! I think this “fair” thing is a trap we all fall into, twins, siblings or onlies … if anything it is easier to indulge it with just one, making up for life’s small injustices instead of just standing with them and weathering the discomfort. I am a terrible “let me make it better” band aid solution type. Then when they act entitled, I feel all ‘suck it up princess’ and wanna offer a spoonful of cement LOL Ahh it’s a cruel world.
I tend to get “But Muuuuuuum!” and I only have the one!
Good on Zoe! It may not be fair that they have different strengths, but that is what it is. If Zoe just picks up words better then she is lucky, and I am sure Izzy has something that she picks up quicker too, and then it will be Zoe’s turn to think it isn’t fair. They will, eventually work it out and appreciate each others differences.
In 20 years most likely …. LOL
Yes, I popped over from Breanda’s to see you ;)
I am sure this is hard – with twins, there must be this huge assumption that things will always and forever be the same and equal. Tough one to handle… but I think your attitude is just great.
That would be hard. I mean it would be easier to manage when their is an age difference ie ” so and so can do that because he is older. You can do it when you turn 5″ or what not but with twins. DOUBLE HARD!
I think you did it well though and I hope they are BOTH reading green dots soon!
I LOVE THIS! I especially love it when you said: “Being fair is not always being equal. Being ‘fair’ means that everyone gets what they need when they need it.”
I agree! Having twins would make this tricky as you can’t say, “Well, the are older than you.” With sibblings, it not always equal is it. I can’t be exactly equal in my time, in what I say or in a lot of things; even if I try really hard. And yet, I can be fair by giving my children what they need. So very true.
“Being fair is not always being equal. Being ‘fair’ means that everyone gets what they need when they need it.”
Love these words of wisdom, Kate.
This is almost exactly what happened this year with my 8 year old twins. It may have even been the same color dots! We made it through that but I have a new dilemma. Mason has just made the all-star baseball team and Michael did not (Mason is also the one whose reading level went up). It’s tough. But you are right, fair is not equal. Too bad 8 year old boys just don’t understand that.
i was so much relieved to read your words it was as if you were living with me i’m living this dilemma every day i’ll try to do it your way though it doesn’t seem easy at all
What a great post! I like your distinction between ‘equal’ and ‘fair’. I agree that this needs to be the case for all of our kids. I hope to remember this when I get my first “That’s not fair Mummy!”. Thanks for the link.