Despite the fact that I have a degree in Early Childhood Education and years of experience working with children, when it comes to this parenting gig I still struggle with things, just like everyone else.
One of my biggest battles is with yelling.
I yell. I yell way too often. I loose it and I rant and rave and yell.
In the beginning it feels quite good to yell, it feels good to let it out. It feels like this is the only way I can get my message across, the only way I can regain some control. When I begin yelling I feel powerful and totally justified.
But then I realise what I am doing.
I suddenly see and hear this angry person spewing forth angry words on the people I love more than anything in the world. It scares me that I could ever feel like is ok, and it makes me sad.
When I blogged about not wanting to regret shouting I was surprised at how many people told me they felt the same way. It made me feel a little better to know that I was not alone, but it also made me think. I don’t have all the answers (not by a long shot) and I know this will challenge me (a lot!) but I’m going to work on ways to yell less… who’s with me?
How to stop yelling at your kids… or at least try to
Before I Start Yelling…
It’s always easier to stop something before it begins don’t you think? And it’s easier to be successful at something if you set yourself up for that success. So I’ve been looking at how I can stop yelling before I am even angry. What can I do to change myself and the environment so that I don’t even get to the point of wanting to yell?
Find Your Triggers
After thinking about it for a while I realised that I often loose it and yell when I am frustrated by something other than my children. When I am feeling stretched by everything I have to do, when other things in my life are not going right, when I feel generally stressed and out of control, that is when the little things set me off into that downward spiral of yelling.
While the fact that I take my stress out on my kids was a hard truth to face, it is actually quite liberating in a way. This is something I can actively change. I can’t change the fact that four year olds whine and that seven year olds like to say “It’s not fair” a hundred times a day, but I can change how many things I put on my to do list. I can identify those things that stress me and work out ways to either let them go or deal with them better.
What are your yelling triggers?
A Positive First Response.
The idea is simple…. work out the types of situations that frustrate you and pre-plan a ‘positive first response’.
For example – It really pushes my buttons when my girls whine about how things are ‘so unfair’. When it happens I want to scream at them and tell them not to be ungrateful and send them to their rooms, except I know that won’t achieve anything and that isn’t the way I want to parent. So I sat down and I thought about it. I thought about why they say that, about how they are feeling, about what they understand. I thought about what I could do and say when they say that and I wrote myself a little script.
So now when someone says those fateful words, and I’m in that moment of wanting to yell I don’t have to think too hard to come up with a better response. I can just recite my little script… “Being fair doesn’t mean being equal. Everyone gets what they need when they need it, that is fair.” and hopefully not yell.
When I’m in the Moment…
When I am in the moment… right there… angry and frustrated and feeling unheard. What do I do then? How do I stop myself tipping over the edge and being the crazy shouting Mum?
Walk Away
It seems so obvious, just walk away, but oh boy it can be SO hard for me to do!
When I am on the verge of yelling I need to just take a breath and walk away. I don’t have to engage in whatever the problem is right then, that instant. It is ok for me to step away and come back when I have had a chance to think things through and find some rationality. If it really is a problem it will still be there when I come back to it, or perhaps it’s not such a big deal in the first place and giving the kids a chance to sort it out on their own is a fabulous thing.
Not only does taking a break give me a chance to calm down and not yell, it also shows my children that it is ok to walk away, it is ok not to fight, or to take a moment to yourself when you need it. I think that is an important lesson to teach.
Redirect Your Energy
When my kids lash out at someone or something I often tell them that it is ok to feel like hitting but it is not ok to hurt someone or break something and that they could instead hit a pillow or kick a ball to get that feeling out. I need to take my own advice.
After I’ve walked away I’m going to do some mundane physical activity. I’m going to redirect my frustrated energy into something like folding the washing, or cleaning the bedroom, or gardening. I need an activity that I can do without thinking too much, to give my brain a chance to slow down and think things through, and I need an activity that is physical enough to help get out some of that tension.
What would your mundane activity of choice be?
Make a Funny
Humour is something I’ve been using more and more of late. Doing something to make everyone laugh can really change the tone of the situation. When everything feels like it’s about to go to hell in a hand basket try telling a fart joke or singing a favourite song replacing the half of the words with ‘poo’.
“Baa Baa Poo Sheep, have you any poo?” Come on… who can yell when they are singing something like that??
It’s hard to stay angry when you are being silly and funny. It is hard to yell when you are busy telling a joke or acting the fool. Being funny can be enough to remind myself of the parent I want to be.
After I’ve Yelled
I feel crap after I’ve yelled. I feel like a big huge parenting failure. But there is still something positive I can do, even after I’ve yelled.
Apologise
Saying I’m sorry, and really meaning it, is important. I don’t need to go into details and tell my kids what a terrible mother I am, they don’t need to hear that. But they do need to hear that sometimes everyone makes mistakes, sometimes everyone gets angry and says or does things they don’t mean, and that is ok. Even when I’m angry I still love them and even when I’ve made a mistake they still love me.
Cut Yourself Some Slack!
I can beat myself up for days after I loose it. I easily fall into that cycle of self talk that goes something like… “I suck at this parenting gig, why on earth did I think having four children would be a good idea, they deserve better than me….” But you know, that is not going to help me be a better parent. I am not perfect, I will never be perfect. I make mistakes, and that is ok. Instead of being down on myself I’m just going to pick myself up, dust myself off and try to do better next time. After all… that is all we can do.
This is something I struggle with and I don’t have all the answers so I’d love to hear the things you do to try and avoid yelling at your kids.
Super Sarah says
Great post Kate, I never used to be a shouter but more and more recently I have been experiencing exactly what you describe “It doesn’t have to be something major to set me off and in the beginning it feels quite good to yell. It feels good to let it out. It feels like this is the only way I can get my message across, the only way I can regain some control. When I begin shouting I feel powerful and totally justified.” This is such a perfect description. I am going to committ to trying really hard to implement some tools to stop this, starting with finding a positive and rehearsed phrase to quote at my daughter when she turns to me with ‘that’ look on her face and starts to say “But I WANTED….” shouting isn’t an effective way to communicate and its teaching my children bad habits. Thank you.
Sarah says
Great post Kate as I too am trying to work at this.
I have started to
STOP
and take a breath.
I find it helps me to just pause for that moment and look at the whole picture and not just the tiny trigger which has caused me to want to yell.
And to drink water often. Seriously it helps. As when I get dry I get touchy and moody etc. Plus having a drink of water gives me a moment to clear my head (or try to)
Neane says
Hi Kate
Great post. I was discussing this with a girlfriend the other day – my first child didn’t hear me yelling until he was about 2 – 2 1/2 around the time his baby brother arrived and I was just exhausted.
I distinctly remember the first time I lost it at him and do you know what? He hadn’t done anything that wrong – just a bit silly. But I’d been thrust in the middle of my in-laws Christmas family crises and I took it out on him and I cried and cried afterwards.
I really like your script for the It’s not Fair whine. I learnt another recently from a friend who is also an early childhood teacher who has 2 children who want everything equal – “different treats for different kids on different days”.
I feel blessed having friends like her and access to people like you – it helps to learn new coping mechanisms and know that other people go through this stuff too.
Cheers
Amanda Kendle says
I’ll be bookmarking this! The small boy is not yet at a stage where I feel the need to yell at him (15 months – mischievous but not naughty) but I do fear that I could become a shouty parent (shouting is one of my favourite options if my husband and I get into an argument!). And I don’t want to be. You’ve got some great strategies here which I will try my very best to remember in the future – thanks!!
jen says
Sometimes I think my I was blessed with my son to teach me patience. I’ve been – and still sometimes am – one of those parents who yells. And much to my disgust he’s the only person I yell at.
Now, he tells me he hates it when I yell and I’ve definitely improved and if I do it, I absolutely apologise and tell him why I felt compelled to yell, but I know I shouldn’t have.
I love the baa baa poo sheep song. I reckon he would too.
Now, to work on my swearing.
Deb Wild Hope says
Gosh I needed to read this today. Woke up tired, cold outside, kids ratty, spent the morning yelling. Yelling even at a 7 month baby – what the?! Feeling like the most horrible mother in the world. I have read your post once. And will read it over and over again. Time to change something.
Thank you.
aga says
Feel the same. Was exactly the same today. I am just feeling so dissapointed with myself…
Aussie Mum says
Oh I definitely need this advice at the moment. Feeling a bit stretched which always makes me stressed and prone to loud embarrassing outbursts. I particularly like your advice on practising positive responses – I must work on that! Thanks for sharing.
Mother Duck says
Yep, I shout a lot more than I would like and a lot more than my kids would like! Definitely going to give some of these strategies a go! Maybe I need to set myself a challenge too!
Kate @ Puddles and Gumboots says
Great post, thank you! One of my biggest mothering “fails” is shouting too much. I really don’t want the kids remembering me shouting all the time. I had a really bad day about a month ago where the kids were misbehaving all day and I was shouting all day, we seemed stuck in a vicious cycle. I had a couple of glasses of wine that night and resolved to not (well try not) shout anymore. I’m going okay, not perfect but better. Don’t really have any tips, I just try and stop and count to ten before opening my mouth. I tend to beat myself up about my “fails” too. I saw some “child expert” on Sunrise once say that parents who worry a lot about their mistakes as parents should give themselves a break as the parents who are really damaging their children don’t spend much time worrying about mistakes they might have made. That made me feel a lot better. Good luck :-)
Jessica says
I agree Kate, I don’t want my kids remembering me yelling either, but if it calms your conscience a bit, my mom, after I lamented the same concern to her, said, “do you remember me yelling at your kids?” Uh, no….so, good news is, hopefully it’s not SO frequent that it will be a memory that sticks.
And I love the advice that parents who are worried and concerned about their parenting are the ones who are usually getting it mostly right(who can honestly get it all right) It’s the ones who never worry that should be evaluating things more often!
Jess says
Awesome post Kate. Quite timely too. Had a ‘yelling’ day.
Lulu says
Fantastic post Kate.
I think most mums feel the same way as you- I certainly do! I shout at the older boy but always feel bad afterwards- especially when it is for the same thing over and over. Then I think about it and wonder why I am doing it (well I know why- it is frustration, tiredness etc) but really, he is just a toddler and shouting at him is not going to get either of us anywhere.
This past month has been especially hard (with getting ready to move) but I am hoping a new place, access to a garden (therefore lots more outside time and a blow up pool over summer) will help give us both some time to de-stress!
I find saying “Noah” then taking a deep breath before starting to say what I want to say. I also find using the same phrases (because of his age) works- since he is a climber for example I try to say in the same tone “Noah……….get down now please” – I saw it strongly but in an even voice if that makes sense.
I hate losing patience with my kids. I am glad I am not the only one that does it though.
Teachermum says
I enjoyed reading your post – thank you for your valuable insight.
You might be interested to read the post I did a few weeks ago on shouting at my kids, and what my son had to say about it.
You can read it over here:
http://www.teachermum.com/2011/06/the-choice-we-make-2/
Melissa says
My boys battle each other constantly, and I’m finding that I am starting to yell at them more and more and I really don’t want to. My kids are beautiful, but they can easily drive me crazy. They can also make me smile and feel loved and I just have to remember that. And breathe.
Mel says
I need to stop yelling too. You’ve got some great points there Kate, I like the song too! Sometimes I write something or draw something on my hand to look at when I’m about to yell to remind myself to stop.
There’s some interesting stuff at Joyfully Rejoicing While it’s an unschooling site it has lots of mindful parenting stuff too.
Ness says
Thank you so much for this post! I never used to be a shouter but in the past couple of weeks I have been feeling like a complete and utter failure as I shout almost every day. I have been feeling like such a horrible Mum but today two of my favourite blogs have featured yelling so it has been amazing to hear that I am not alone. I love all your ideas and Baa Baa poo sheep had me in stitches so I’ll definitely be implementing that one! Thank you!
Mel says
I meant to comment with the above link when you did your post on toy guns too, under the passing on nonviolent rules section.
Annie says
Kate, this is why I love to read your blog. You inspire me to be a better mother. Seriously.
Unfortunately, I yell and shout too. When my son has a tantrum and I’m about to yell I try to give him a hug. Sometimes it doesn’t work, but sometimes it’s enough to diffuse both of us. I also try to use humour but this one is really hard to do when I am angry.
It’s difficult not to react immediately with yelling, but I think it’s great that you and all the moms (and dads) that have commented are consciously trying to change their behaviour to be a better parent. We need more of that in this world!
Ash says
Ah Kate, your posts hit the spot so often! Thank-you for your honesty and all your wonderful tips. x
Rebecca says
Thank you for this blog. I am a in the moment yeller. I have tried to get a handle on this at time singing grumpy mummy away and at other times being silly or walking away. It is so hard sometimes with so many competing demands on you.