I didn’t know I was lost.
I keep hearing the lyrics of that Avicii song in my head…Â
“So wake me up when it’s all over
When I’m wiser and I’m older
All this time I was finding myself
And I didn’t know I was lost”
I didn’t know I was lost until I found myself with a moment of silence that I didn’t know what to do with.
I joked about the fact that with all four kids in school for the first time this year, I was going to spend the entire year ‘patting puppies and drinking champagne’, but the truth is, now that I am six months into this gig… there’s an unexpected sadness about getting your life back.
The silence is beautiful, and lonely.
The time is exciting, but suffocating.
The possibilities are endless, and daunting.Â
It was a bit of a surprise to find out that I’m not sure exactly who I am right now, or who I want to be.
I feel like I’ve been walking down a country road and suddenly come upon someone I hadn’t thought much about in years… me.
It seems so ridiculous and melodramatic and ‘bloody hell just go get a real job then you won’t have time to over think this crap’, and it is all of those things, but it is also how I’m feeling.
So you’ll have to bear with me while I babble on about ‘putting yourself on the list‘, and ‘self-care’, and while I figure out what I want to do ‘when I grow up’ because now that my kids are all growing up, I guess I will have to grow up too.
Have you lost yourself (in a good way) in the relentless days of parenting little children?
How did you find yourself?
I completely get this! Becoming a mum made me feel like I lost my teacher self.. .the professional me… the one who was good at things… then it became all about the kids, the home, the routine… and I became good at nappies, snacks and craft!! :)
So I can see that coming out of it you’re losing a little piece of your identity once again!
Big hugs to you Kate xx You’ll find your perfect place… try and enjoy the quiet moments for a little while x
You’ve summed it up really well.
It’s not that it was bad to lose myself in parenting little ones, it’s just a bit of a surprise to find myself trying to figure out how I fit in to this new normal! Who have thought I’d be wondering what to do when I grow up in my 40s! LOL
You wrote this and it was like it was about me but 20+ years older than you… I am in the process of the painful & lonely yet strangely exciting stage of my life where I’m almost 18 months in to: 1. No teacher/principal/uni tutor roles anymore 2. No grand mothering responsibilities each week 3. No-one to answer to (I am still married LoL) and I ask myself”without my old life who the hell am I?” I’ve been anxious, had IBS and lost much of my confidence in terms of being social but I am happier than ever with my creative self, I’m blogging daily & connecting on-line and I’m gardening!! We have moved to the central coast from Sydney so I’m also learning to be in a new place to me knowing no-one. Unsettling to say the least but it’s the life stage we are at. Hub is v good with it all as he has different interests & dojng Uni. I don’t want to volunteer or do anything else so my challenge is to be to know me. The one person I have neglected for decades. Best wishes Kate!
Oh, I can relate in so many ways. All of my boys have gone to school this year. I love the peace and really do enjoy the time to myself but I feel like my “reason” for not being more successful (by other’s standards) was gone. All of a sudden I have everyone constant asking when I’m going to find a job and if I’m a little stressed or worried apparently a job will fix everything! I got to a place where I had to determine what success was to me (which I recently posted on Instagram), not to everyone else. How I choose to live makes them uncomfortable because they measure success differently. By my own guide, I’m doing pretty well, but if I compare to them I’m failing and suck big time. For what it’s worth, I think you’re amazing! You have a wonderful resource here and you are creative and talented, you inspire so many people and you love your family. Why do you have to grow up? Wouldn’t it be kind of amazing if you could just kept doing what brings you joy without the worry of having to be more? Xoxo
I think you are right, it is about figuring out what success means personally… aside from the ‘you have to earn more money so you can buy more stuff’ crap that is oven shoved down our throats. It’s a bit daunting to actually have the time to think about what I want again, but it is lovely too.
I SO get this…..my youngest started school this year and although the next phase is exciting and all brand new, it’s scary and exhilarating all at the same time. Who am I? Do I want a career again? How do I find a new balance??? so many questions and not many answers yet…..I’m not good at trusting the process!!
I’m not good at trusting the process either! I keep thinking I need to have a plan, but I am not sure what to plan for! LOL
I imagine that it is entirely daunting, Kate. But I think you already have a real job – right here. I think what you can’t quite believe is that you suddenly have permission to take your foot off the accelerator a little and just cruise along doing ONE THING AT A TIME. Magic!
I think it is partly the time… the time and silence. I feel like I should be hustling to fill it with more more more, but actually you are right, it is truly magic to not feel overwhelmed every single day!