I Need to Change
There was yelling and screaming and crying, and afterwards, a heaviness that weighed us all down. It reared it’s head again in the morning. Despite me swearing it would be different, it wasn’t.
I know that it is me who needs to change.
I am not the only one contributing to the difficulties, I am not the only one who’s behaviour is not great, I am not the only one who could do better. It is not all my fault, I am not the only one to blame, the happiness of our family does not rest entirely on my shoulders… But I am the only one who’s behvaiour I can really change.
I can talk to them till I am blue in the face. I can yell and rant and restrict and ban and threaten and bribe and instill consequences and yell some more, but in the end, I can not force my children to change their behaviour by my will and desire alone. But I can change my own behaviour.
I know that it is me who needs to change.
I know that dealing with my anger badly doesn’t teach them to deal well with their own anger.
I know that letting my stress and tiredness bubble over doesn’t teach them good ways to deal with difficult times.
I know that yelling and ranting doesn’t encourage them to speak nicely and to think about what they are saying.
I know that it is me who needs to change.
I know this. I have read about it, and thought about it, and blogged about it again and again…
If the tone is cranky grumpy narkiness…. it most often comes from me. It is me who needs to change not my children or my husband or my house.
– January 2011
“Watch your tone… watch YOUR tone!” – Nov 2011
Our kids are such a mirror to our own, adult behaviors. They reflect back everything that we do, good, bad or in between – June 2012
How many times must I learn this lesson before it really sinks in?
Great post and no one could say you are alone in how you feel. We can only do our best to make changes and try again tomorrow. :)
I hear you. Boy do I hear you!
Kate you are definitely not alone in this.
I have recently done the Tuning Into Kids course and found it really useful…
Try not to be too hard on yourself though – it sounds like it has been a very tough week for you guys (especially if there was a hospital visit).
Take care, and remember that tomorrow is a new day. Apologise if you feel you need to, and then move on.
Susan xx
Oh, dear Mama…how many times do I ask the same question? Now I have started asking myself, what is really causing me to feel this way and it always comes down to, not looking after myself and trying to do a task ‘real quick’ without putting the appropriate ‘child friendly’ steps in place first. We wouldn’t be us if we didn’t have a lesson to learn from each day :)
That was me in a nutshell today…
xx Em
It’s gotta be THE hardest thing with parenting… to not react, to not let them get under your skin. It’s normal to feel the way you do, Kate. Don’t judge yourself harshly and remember that while yelling never really solved anything, it never really hurt anything either.
All I can offer is my own strategy: Be calm. Let things that aren’t important go at the time and have a talk to them about it later… I have trained myself to breathe deeply and the crankier I get, the calmer and quieter I get. It helps me a lot. x
I got to this point a fortnight ago. My youngest is just a few months old and my other two are under 5 and the pressure built and built until my parenting had gradually slipped to a level I didn’t think it would. Shouty, impatient and exhausted. And the shouting and impatience in my toddler and preschooler was even worse than mine. My nearly 5 year old totally lost it one afternoon and I truly thought there was ” something wrong with him”. It was the most out of control and wild behaviour I’ve ever seen. I was worried and guilty that I hadn’t been loving enough and present enough. I stopped cooking and cleaning and basically love bombed him for 1 week. Even when he was annoying!!! And I’m thrilled to say he’s back. Still gets frustrated of course but 95% of the time is a rational, loving, eager to please fabulous and happy kid. It really highlighted how much my energy sets the tone for the whole house. Now I’m hoping the toddler will catch on soon and stop shouting too!!!!!
I need to put myself in check at times. I so want to be a calming, loving and firm influence that isn’t just reacting.
Thank you. I always think that I’m the only mum who does this.
For some reason I assume that other mums are all perfect, especially mums with blogs, for some reason! I see all your great craft activities, your happy kids, and I just can’t imagine that you would ever yell! I can’t imagine your children ever misbehaving, either. :)
I feel so guilty and scared sometimes that my bad behaviour will change her or has already done some kind of damage to her.
Instead of me thinking that “I only have one, so it should be easy”, I think I need to remember that having only one can be very intense.
Great post Kate, on so many levels. I too know the theory, but struggle to put it into practise. I’m a terrible student.
Thank you, Kate, for sharing yourself with us like this. It is so easy to put all of our awesome out there for the world to see, but very courageous to show off our vulnerabilities. This post resonates especially loudly with me. Being raised by a yeller, I have found that the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree after all. It is something that I struggle with often, and every time I hear my daughter’s anxiously exasperated tone, I have such sadness in my heart since that tone isn’t hers at all. It’s mine. Breathe, baby, breathe.
Great post. Every day (okay, multiple times a day) I remind myself of this. I cannot change my kids behavior but oh how I wish I could. What I can do is change my behavior and most likely they will follow suit since they are learning from me. Thanks again for reminding me it is not just me.
Know that you are not alone, I so could have written this. I am about to become that crazy mother as I will be single parenting it for the next 7 weeks. I know that it is not long and single mothers do it all the time, but when you are used to someone else being around and clam you down its not going to be pretty.
I’m trying to get a few things sorted so we can have a great holiday break together.
Don’t be so hard on yourself Kate, we may be mums but we’re also human & nobody is perfect- I’m pretty sure we’ve all been there!
I am so feeling this right now, thank you for sharing!
Sarah and I are thinking along the same lines. I am a has-been mom. 56 Yrs. old and kids that are grown and one has a child of her own now. #1 – Stop beating yourself up for being human. We all get exasperated and angry sometimes. If that’s less than 20% of the time…you’re doing great. #2 – Realize that our children also learn how NOT to act by our behaviour and we can talk about that with them when we’ve calmed down a bit. #3 – If your children do not act like this (yelling, etc.) when they are with other people, then you know you are doing an excellent job overall. What more can you hope for than to have them behave well with others, right? #4 – Remember to take time to do nice things FOR YOU too. Try having a “special” time for each child – everyone acts nicely, does nice things, surprises that person for however long you decide. INCLUDE yourself (and spouse) in that. It helps for you to get some special treatment and also teaches the kids how to act – to help you – when you are upset. These are only suggestions from an old mom, but they worked for me pretty well overall. You are a human being. That means not being perfect and being OK with that fact. Sounds to me (I read your blog every day) that you are a fantastic woman with great kids and a wonderful outlook. Keep up the great work and overlook YOUR faults like you do others’. Aho!!
Before I became a parent I couldn’t imagine ever shouting at a child. The first few years were a blissful haze but 7 years in, having a child with autism who has some very big, totally nerve shredding behaviours plus two other little ones – I know I’m guilty!! I’ve even found myself in the ridiculous situation of being ‘that’ parent screaming ‘stop screaming’ at their screaming child. Give me (and all the other crazy mummies) strength. We try to do our best. New day, clean slate, try again to be the kind of parent you aspire to be.
I’ve been thinking about this post since I read it a couple days ago. Like almost all mum’s I have those days where I yell at my children, and I know that it’s more that I’m tired than their behaviour at the time. I spend the day and night feeling guilty, wishing the words were never said. But, at the end of the day, it’s good for the kids know that I’m not perfect, that I make mistakes too, and saying sorry and explaining is a good lesson for them to learn. I would hate for my kids to question their parenting as adults because their own mother never got cross, and were trying to aspire to something that is largely not possible. Showing imperfection is important in today’s society where perfection seems to be aspired to so highly. I hope your week improved Kate. X
Your are speaking out loud my very thoughts. Thanks for sharing this and letting us know we’re not alone. Tons of love from Madrid, Spain.