We went to Healesville Sanctuary during the holidays, it’s a fabulous zoo which just has Australian animals.
We haven’t been for a while, in fact Noah has never been, and the last time we were there Morgan was so little he can’t remember it. There is a reason for that. The last trip I took to Healsville kinda traumatised me.
It was a hot January day the last time I visited Healesville. I decided it would be a great idea to pack my best friend and our kids into the big white bus and drive two hours on a windy road for a day out. Did I mention that my friend happened to be gazillion weeks pregnant with her third baby?
Five kids under six, two prams, and two sleep deprived mothers.
What could possibly go wrong?
Everything.
It started with a toddler who cried the entire drive there (yep the whole two hours without a break), included lots of whining kids, birds who stole sandwiches, and ended with a public melt down of epic proportions.
It has gone down in our history as one of those bad bad parenting days. Every now and then one of us will say ‘remember the day we went to Healesville?’ and we both shudder.
But for some reason I decided it was time to try again, so we went, just my kids and me.
While the drive was still long, the kids were older and less prone to drawn out car tantrums. The weather was cold instead of hot but we managed to avoid any scary birds stealing our lunch. We wandered around the zoo (without a pram!), checked out the animals, saw the bird show, and watched the barn owls being fed. It was lovely.
As the day ended I felt like I had put the demons of that past to rest. It had been a good parenting day.
As we headed to the gift shop for quick look on the way out I heard a blood curdling scream, and then howling. It stopped me in my tracks, gave me a sudden flash back to that hot day all those years ago when we dragged crying complaining kids out to the car and vowed to never ever return.
And then I saw her…
A mother standing helpless as one of her children lay on the ground at her feet thrashing about and screaming. Another little child was stamping her foot and jumping up and down beside her sister, she was also screaming.
I wondered what I could do to help.
I knew I couldn’t fix whatever her children were struggling with, but maybe somehow I could make her feel a little better?
Or maybe I was better to just say and do nothing, she already seemed embarrassed and close to tears herself. I never like it when complete strangers try to give me advice when my kids are having a public tantrum. Better if I just didn’t intefere.
People were walking past the wailing children and their tired mum scowling and tut tutting. That made me sad. Then I saw a mother point and say to her child in a loud voice “You would NEVER do that would you! I would never let you do that!” That changed my mind.
As we walked past I smiled at the defeated mother who just stood watching her kids melt down at her feet and I said
“I remember a day when my kids lost it in this very spot and I dragged them to the car screaming… it gets better as they get bigger.”
She smiled back at me briefly and I walked on. That was it.
There was nothing I could do to fix the situation but I hope that at least for a brief moment she didn’t feel totally alone. I hope she knew that not everyone was judging her and labeling her a bad mother. I hope she knew that she wasn’t the only one who’s kids have ever had an epic meltdown in a public place. I hope she knew, just for a moment, that things would get better.
I hope the next time one of my kids has a whopper tantrum in public that instead of unwanted, judgmental advice, that someone offers me a smile, and a little hope that things will get better.
Have your kids ever had an epic meltdown in public?
Have you ever been given unwanted advice?
Have you ever had someone offer hope and a smile?
I’m sure your reaction made that other mom feel better. I was in a similar situation not long ago. I had taken my two-year-old twin boys to a large supermarket, and they were on their best behavior. They “helped” me by reminding me to pick up milk, butter and some other things I had asked them to remind me about. It was one of those perfect moments when everything goes smoothly. So smoothly, in fact, that I decided to let them choose a matchbox car each. And that’s when it went wrong. Totally wrong. Who would’ve thought that being given a toy car would make my kids scream? At the top of their voices. “Noooooo! Don’t want caaaaaaaaaaar!” “Stooooooppp iiiiittttt!!!!” “Aaaaaaaargh!!!” Jumping up and down in their cart seats (I was pushing two shopping carts so that each had his own seat). Puzzled, I suggested fruit squeeze packs, which they love. Crescendo. “Want caaaaaaaaaaar!” – “Okay, I’ll buy you a car, just like I suggested.” Back to the toy aisle. “Nooooooooo!” Okay, I got it. Nothing could stop them now. So I went to the cash desk. People looking at me and my boys. One elderly lady gave me a look I can’t even describe, held her ears and ran away. Not joking! I bet she hadn’t run this fast in years. But most of the others – to my surprise – were very sympathetic. I got a couple of smiles and “It will get better when they’re older.” and “Mine are just like that when they’re tired.” and even “You’re doing a good job.” The boys screamed all the way to the car, and in the car, until they fell asleep. All in all, it felt like I’d mastered the situation by staying calm (which I don’t achieve very often). Getting smiles instead of frowns helped a lot.
Just wanted to you to know that you are truly a good person. There are so many judgemental people around who judge without knowing the real stories behind all that they see. As this quote says :
“Be kind for veryone you meet is fighting a hard battle”.
If only more people understand that and not judge so others so harshly.
Good on you Kate. That’s all you could do & say & was enough I’m sure. The “judgy” parents who passed by.. Grrrr. “There but for the grace of God go I” is a mantra best recalled I think in those circumstances.
When you’re dealing with a child struggling through a meltdown it can be SUCH a lonely place. I think all you want to hear in those moments is that your not being judged by absolutely EVERYONE around you and there are people who understand and can sympathise. Great post Kate.
This makes me think of two books I’ve read recently that focus on the amazing gift of being authentic and vulnerable, and the power of coming alongside someone (particularly another mother) and simply saying “I know the feeling. I’ve been there”. One of the books was Brene Brown’s “Gifts of Imperfection”. The other was Rachel Stafford’s “Hands Free Mama”. Both great reads and both I need to re-read for a third time and make more notes :) Love your blog x
What a wonderful thing to say. I often wonder how I can show empathy in those situations. I want to say to the mum that every human who has ever lived has had a meltdown and if they haven’t there’s something wrong. The other people judging are just scared of their own demons.
I hope I can remember this myself when my very vocal boy hits that phase x
I have been the mother on the receiving end of your comment on several occasions and I have to say it makes such a huge difference. It bolsters you up, reminds you you’re not alone and not everyone watching thinks you’re a horrible parent. On one occasion it was the only thing that kept me from sitting down next to my tantruming twins and bawling my eyes out along with them. I think empathy is always called for. :)
Healesville is JUST beautiful – I haven’t been to the sanctuary as of yet, your photos look lovely and a BIG CYBER HUG to you <3 x
I’ve been on both sides. Last December we stopped by Woolie’s to buy both kids hats before we went out for a day on the boat. My then-4 year old (who is severely hearing impaired, and as a result has very delayed verbal skills) did not want a hat and made his feelings clear through his behaviour. We insisted he get a hat to avoid sunburn. This woman – I’m going to go ahead and describe her as a horrible old hag, although I’m sure that’s being unkind and she was facing her own demons – said, “Well, I guess I know who Santa WON’T be visiting this year!” I could’ve strangled her. Sure, he was being annoying; but unlike kids with normal verbal skills, he doesn’t always have the tools to express himself appropriately; he uses what he has. We were on top of things. He wasn’t making that big a scene, and she could’ve always walked away instead.
Same kid, another day. He had a melt-down in K-mart. We moved him out of the way of the middle of the aisle (to allow people to pass) and let him go, standing there until he calmed down, and then discussed it with him. Was it embarassing? You bet. After that we went on to Cole’s. An elderly couple who had witnessed the entire temper tantrum was there. She said to me, “My daughter wears hearing aids too. I know what it’s like when they’re little and have those temper tantrums. You handled it brilliantly.”