I look around my house, at the piles of washing and the crumbs on the floor. I walk past the half built fire place and I shut the door to the room we just moved the girls out of because I don’t want to see the chaos and mess left behind, waiting to be cleaned up.
Today I forgot to sign and send back the school form, and I know we have a library fine getting bigger and bigger each day I drive past the library without those darn books.
Today the toddler lost his mind in the middle of the supermarket and the girl came home from school even more tired and grumpy than when she went.
Today I yelled when I should have explained. I engaged when I should have walked away.
Today making dinner seems like an impossible task.
I seem to have a lot of days like these.
Days when I think the whole world is looking at me and thinking we should have stopped at two kids, not four.
Days when I feel like I will never get on top of things.
Days when I just want to crawl under the covers and kill zombies for hours on end.
Days when I want to throw my copy of Buddhism for Mothers at the stupid TV that the kids ‘never’ get to watch so they both shatter into a million pieces because I don’t want ‘live in the moment’, I want to plug the kids into an inappropriate TV show and leave them there until I can live in a better moment, an easier moment.
And then I have a flash of irritating clarity.
This is ‘the moment’ and I am ‘living in it’. No matter how much I want to wish it away it is still here, staring me in the face. This is today, and today is hard, and hard is ok.
I am not the only one’s who’s house is in constant chaos, I am not the only one who forgets things and I am not the only who struggles sometimes.
I need to stop comparing myself to ‘Perfect Mum’ who does not exist and I need to stop judging myself against some invisible, impossible, standard.
I just need to stop… for a moment.
Because among the chaotic, insane moments are grins and giggles, hugs and helpfulness, tiny accomplishments and big fist pumping wins. How easily I miss those among all the hard stuff.
Not all my moments are good ones, but they are all part of this mothering gig… and the sooner I accept that and find grace and purpose even in the hard stuff, the easier those moments will be.