I look around my house, at the piles of washing and the crumbs on the floor. I walk past the half built fire place and I shut the door to the room we just moved the girls out of because I don’t want to see the chaos and mess left behind, waiting to be cleaned up.
Today I forgot to sign and send back the school form, and I know we have a library fine getting bigger and bigger each day I drive past the library without those darn books.
Today the toddler lost his mind in the middle of the supermarket and the girl came home from school even more tired and grumpy than when she went.
Today I yelled when I should have explained. I engaged when I should have walked away.
Today making dinner seems like an impossible task.
I seem to have a lot of days like these.
Days when I think the whole world is looking at me and thinking we should have stopped at two kids, not four.
Days when I feel like I will never get on top of things.
Days when I just want to crawl under the covers and kill zombies for hours on end.
Days when I want to throw my copy of Buddhism for Mothers at the stupid TV that the kids ‘never’ get to watch so they both shatter into a million pieces because I don’t want ‘live in the moment’, I want to plug the kids into an inappropriate TV show and leave them there until I can live in a better moment, an easier moment.
And then I have a flash of irritating clarity.
This is ‘the moment’ and I am ‘living in it’. No matter how much I want to wish it away it is still here, staring me in the face. This is today, and today is hard, and hard is ok.
I am not the only one’s who’s house is in constant chaos, I am not the only one who forgets things and I am not the only who struggles sometimes.
I need to stop comparing myself to ‘Perfect Mum’ who does not exist and I need to stop judging myself against some invisible, impossible, standard.
I just need to stop… for a moment.
Because among the chaotic, insane moments are grins and giggles, hugs and helpfulness, tiny accomplishments and big fist pumping wins. How easily I miss those among all the hard stuff.
Not all my moments are good ones, but they are all part of this mothering gig… and the sooner I accept that and find grace and purpose even in the hard stuff, the easier those moments will be.
This post tugged at my heartstrings! You are doing an amazing job and it’s okay to have these moments. Believe me, they prepare you for later moments that can intensify as kiddos get older. I’m so happy I found your blog – it’s fantastic!
I love this post. These are my sentiments exactly and I do only have 2 children (and impossibly, thinking of a third!)
You do a wonderful job Kate! I bet there are ten (or more) positive things you do with your children for every hard moment, every negative thought. You are the perfect mum, because every perfect Mum has those moments too (they just don’t tell you about it!)
Love that last photo … and 4 kids is the perfect excuse for the chaos, you’d have the chaos with 2 as I do and nothing to blame it on ;)
Needed this today. Thank you so much for your honest, insightful writing.
You are doing so well and helping others out there at the same time!
this is a great post..having kids is hard work, but it also brings an indescribable joy! keep doing what your doing – im sure its awesome!!
You described my life with this post and I also only have 2!
I needed this today, to know I’m not the only one to have these moments and that it really is ok not to be perfect!
I think you must be a great (perfect) mum and doing everything right- your photos prove it. Those children look like they are LOVING their lives!!! Well done!
(And thank you for all of your amazing posts)
Ahh just what I needed to hear today when my list of tasks acheived comprises of children being fed and bathed. Readers didn’t make it this week. 1 kiddo left his library book at home, we almost forgot school photos , one load of washing still on the line and 2 loads unfolded on the lounge. I actually gave up on picking up toys and the contents of the kitchen drawers today as miss 15 months quizzed around- I stepped ove it all instead. I was stressed at dinner time thinking that another day was gone and the house was a mess but you reminded me that I pushed the 3 year old on the swing and read 3 books in a row. Did painting withe the youngest two and cheered on my big boy as be climbed a tree singing gangnam style! I think I will come Back and reread as necessary to remind me what is really important
The last few words on this post read: If you enjoyed this post… I really really enjoyed this post Kate. Why do we judge ourselves against these impossible standards? We set them, don’t we. Hard is OK… Thanks Kate.
You know I just have one, yep single… one kid and I am worse that you. I try to look at the purpose. I try very hard to be as perfect as my Mom is, she really is. I try really hard to be as calm as my Hubby is … he is much calmer and focused. But I am not… I am nothing like them… I feel I keep losing it for no apparent reasons and I just keep on adding to piles that I need to do NOW.
I really want to live in the moment and I want to do a decent job at bringing up my almost 3 yr old precious child w/o damaging him.
If you can find the moments, then you are blessed… i am still trying. love.
thank you for writing this post. i needed to hear it. you are doing an amazing job, as we all are… thanks again :)
I read this on the right day. :) Juggling it all and trying to make it look good (ha!) seems so impossible but every day that they are clean and fed and know that I love them is enough. (right? right, I think.)
I needed the reminder to be aware that this IS the moment to be living in. This is my first time commenting because this is the one that really spoke to me, so thank you for that. Enjoying reading about your life from the other side of the world!
I’m another one who read this on exactly the right day! Thank you so much for the message that it’s okay to struggle.
Everyone feels like this! We are here with you! It feels so good to rant doesn’t it!!!
I am a new SAHM with a 2 YO and a 2 MO – I know we all feel like this, but THANK YOU for sharing it. When I say ‘NO’ instead of ‘try this’, sigh in exasperation, ask my 2 MO ‘What?’ instead of snuggles…and then there are those good moments, good days…make it all worthwhile.
Thank you!
I just shared this post in my parenting group, thank you for writing it Kate! “Today is hard, and hard is OK” – might have to put that somewhere I can see it, what a great reminder.
Wonderful, wonderful, WONDERFUL post. Perfectly stated. We are all in this together, aren’t we….