Self esteem often seems like a magic bean – when you have it safely in the palm of your hand everything is just fine, but when it gets lost, it feels like bad things are sure to happen.
In the past I didn’t recognise that it was self esteem that was making me struggle. I’d blame the feelings of general crappiness and low mood on everything from the weather, to hormones, to depressing world events, to being overwhelmed. And, all those things do contribute, but now I know to look deeper.
Deep down at to bottom of it all, I often find my self esteem, crumpled and broken.
That’s where it is right now, sitting scrunched up at the bottom of my wardrobe, in the dark, with the dust bunnies.
I don’t know what caused it to do a runner this time, though to be honest, my self esteems has always been a bit fragile. I just know that when it’s gone, everything seems harder.
It’s harder to be a parent.
It’s harder to be a friend.
It’s harder to be me.
I’m working on coaxing my self esteem back out of the darkness.
I’m working on smoothing out the crumples and building it back up to something that resembles myself, but it’s not easy.
I coax my self esteem back by making sure I am not overwhelmed, by making time for self care, and by confronting it. But managing those things is a delicate balancing act.
I know that I need to be kind to myself, and make time to do simple things that make me feel good. And I know that taking on too much and being stressed out won’t help at all. But I also know that my self esteem would like to me to say no to everything right now, so it can stay safely in the bottom of the wardrobe, so I’ve learned to confront it.
I drag my battered and broken self esteem with me and make it go to the shops, and the school event, and the blogging meet up. I make it design printables and write articles, even if they are not perfect (like this one). And I force it to make instagram stories, no matter how much it hates our double chins or the sound of our own voice.
I challenge myself to remember that I am a good person, with lots to offer this world. I confront it with that every day, until it remembers too.
Does your self esteem ever go missing?
Please tell me I am not alone with this whole crap self esteem thing?
What do you do you do to drag your self esteem back up and get back to normal?