I took all four kids to the bank this afternoon.
As the lovely teller was handing over the cash she asked my kids what they were doing for the holidays. When my kids all suddenly got shy I replied “Driving me insane!”
Everyone knew I was joking, but as the teller laughed and Izzy rolled her eyes, I suddenly wondered why I joked about that?
I quickly added that actually my four are pretty good and we really enjoy having holidays together. But as we headed towards the toy shop the interaction gnawed at me.
When did it become normal for parents to so readily exclaim how difficult their children are?
Is it because we are afraid someone will think we are boasting if we say we have good kids?
Is it because we are worried our kids will prove us wrong with a huge public tantrum just as we exclaim how lovely they are?
Is it because we can’t possibly be good parents unless we have to work hard to keep our kids in line?
Or is it because we think our kids need to be ‘perfect’ all the time to be ‘good’?
I don’t know why, but I do know that I fall into this trap of talking about the difficult aspects of my kids by default, without thinking. What’s worse, a by-product of that sort of talk is that I tend to believe that my kids are more difficult, or doing worse than they actually are.
It’s funny how reality can be twisted. How a couple of small things can magically colour the way you look at everything. Suddenly the whole thing seems difficult… there must be something wrong… you must be failing… and the only way to deal with that is to joke about it.
In reality, sometimes my kids are difficult, sometimes we go through rough patches, sometimes they really do drive me insane, but in general, they are ok. 80-90% of the time they are easy, happy, ‘good kids’.
Sure the Noah screeches like a banshee when something doesn’t go his way.
Yes Morgan howls like a wounded beast when things don’t go his way.
Yes the girls fight with each other…
But those are not all the time things.
In fact, now that it is holidays, now that we have time to just hang out, without too much extra stress, without deadlines, those things are rare. And even when they do happen, often they are sorted out without my input.
Izzy placates the screaming three year old by skillfully talking up another option.
Zoe makes two attempts to apologise to the brother she upset and succeeds with humor on the third go.
Morgan goes to great efforts to include everyone in his play and keeps it together when someone doesn’t want to join in.
All of them get up all turn off the TV without prompting to go outside, or draw, or build or pretend.
Noah pees on the potty!
Perhaps the stress of a busy school week doesn’t encourage such ‘good’ behavior? Perhaps these things just go unnoticed during the rush of school term? Or perhaps I am just not looking for them because I am so quick to joke about how terrible my kids are?
As I sit here typing this, all four of them are playing a complex imaginative shopping game with the Lego. They have not needed my input, mediation or direction for over an hour.
I look over at them and contemplate how I can keep these ‘good’ children when school goes back, but also knowing that I don’t have to.
Now that I’ve noticed, now that I know, now I can put up with the hard bits, the fighting, the whining, the crap parenting, because I know… despite all that, my kids are ok.
And next time I am in a position to tell someone that, I will.
Am I the only one who falls into this trap?
Do you sometimes fail to see how ‘good’ your kids are?
I love this! Every once and awhile, I have to give myself a similar reality check. Parenting can be hard a lot of the time, but I have a pretty awesome kid!
This is so true, I also have three really good kids. Although two of mine are now teenagers. They are polite, considerate, thoughtful and funny. They don’t help out as much as I would like around the house but they ARE around the house, not out getting drunk or any other of the issues that a lot of other people I know have with their teenagers. When I mention this to people most of the time they give me a pitying look and tell me that teenagers are really good at hiding things from their parents. That drives me crazy!!! But I also worry that talking about how good my kids are will come across as bragging… Can’t win…
I love this post Kate. I actually had to bite my tongue today when someone asked if I would be glad when school holidays are over. I almost said ‘Yes!’ as a knee-jerk response. It’s just assumed that parenting is such a drag. I was so conscious of my kids hearing me – and thinking that I didn’t enjoy spending time with them, when in fact, I don’t really want the holidays to be over at all. I love spending time with my kids (yes there are days when I want to scream), but overall, they are great kids. I think we get caught up in the same-old same-old (sibling disputes, tantrums etc) and focus on the negative that we rarely acknowledge the good moments.
I’ve had the same inward struggle. Mind you, there are times when I mean it when I roll my eyes and say, “never a dull moment!” I guess it really boils down to whether you are the sort of person who deflects compliments directed at yourself… and whether you want your kids to grow up to be the same as you. While I’ve never been good at taking compliments, I try to take compliments on my children as graciously as I can.
Yes we ought to celebrate more… Not dissimilar I suppose to someone asking ‘How are you?’. When I lived in the UK, it was ‘fine’ and ‘not bad’, but here I’ve adopted ‘good’. When you put something out there, into the universe or whatever you believe in, you stand more of a chance of making it happen. Manifestation. If we continually go around highlighting the bad points, that’s all we’ll ever see. It all sounds a bit deep, but all I really want to say is thank you for making me think! x
That is so true… talking about the ‘bad stuff’ all the time like it is important means I pay so much more attention to it than I should!
I think that’s a good point Vanessa. Though I have another friend from the UK (from Scotland) who jokes that when Australian’s ask you how you are, they don’t really expect you to answer, whereas in Scotland people tell you all their issues… It’s nice to be able to answer honestly – to think that people actually want to know (which truthfully, mostly they probably don’t) – but I think you’re right, it can also make a difference just what you decide to focus on.
Excellent point – time to start resetting our default to just acknowledging how it is, rather than reach for the entertaining – and framing our kids is more entertaining (and palateable) for the masses in the street.
LOVE this. I find myself doing it sometimes, and it’s definitely so I don’t seem like I’m boasting or have it all together. My children are normal. I am normal. I happen to love being a mom and (most of the time) love being with them. I hate when I let myself fall into the negative trap. It’s not who I am, and it’s not how I feel. Also, it’s not how I want my kids to think I feel about them. :)
The other day at the store I picked my two year old up mid tantrum, and walked around a corner to distract from the situation. I saw a mother and her 3? year old son just walking and said “See, he’s being good!” as I wanted to show him what store etiquette looks like. The mother snapped “He wasn’t a minute ago!” it was awkward, unfriendly and unnecessary. I all but ran from her and quickly changed the subject.
What upset me was instead of reinforcing the good behavior with positive language, she was complaining about a normal episode and degrading her son when he is good. Not the best thing to do and I try never to do it.
I think it is so true that what you say starts to affect how you see things. I remember noticing years ago that when I argued with my (then) boyfriend, I would sometimes come out with stereotypical complaints, which weren’t really true, but flowed off my tongue in the moment, trying to make him take notice. Only then I’d start to believe them! Things like “You never listen to me…”
And as for school holidays? I love them! When I only had my eldest in two or three days a week (back when I only had two kids), I couldn’t understand how the people with older kids looked forward to school holidays. Those two days were my break! But, now I have two kids in every day… I love the holidays. I love how relaxed everyone is, no rushing, plenty of time to fit everything in, no school lunches to make!
But, I do think the bragging thing is part of why we don’t say it so much. I do know several mums who honestly dread school holidays, and it’s like when other women complain about their partners. I just bite my tongue and don’t mention how great mine is (mostly)!
I do this too, and then I think to myself, “Why did I just say that?!” Especially with my little one right there??? I agree with Allison’s reply – maybe it’s so I don’t sound like I’m bragging by saying, “We’re just having a great time being together!” Anyway, great post, and I love the picture that goes with it:)
What a coincidence. I wrote about the exact same thing today. I call it my kids being ‘middle aged’. Over those tough years of being a baby, toddler, pre-schooler etc and seem content with just being and this, in turn, has made my job a lot easier. The kids are a lot more enjoyable. Oh, and mine were playing schools with their Lego Star Wars characters over the holidays evening joining in together with a rendition of “Advance Australia Fair” and many other religious songs from my son’s Catholic school. LOL
I hear exactly what you’re saying.
Anne xx