Please Don’t Kiss Me – Respecting My Child’s Personal Boundaries.
Sometimes people over step a child’s boundaries and expect physical affection, even when the child clearly isn’t comfortable with that. Usually there is no intent to be disrespectful, but sticking up for your child’s right to say not to hugs and kisses is an important lesson for everyone.
He has never been a touchy feely kind of kid.
As a toddler he pushed away as often as he reached out, as a school kid he doles out his hugs fiercely, but selectively, and he has never liked kisses.
It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you. If you give him time you will see how much he adores you. If you give him space he will reward you with long snugly conversations and hugs that are so forceful they literally knock the air out of you… but not kisses, never kisses.
He and I have an inside joke about ‘cow kisses’ and every once in awhile he’ll let me give him one, if he’s in a playful mood. But he isn’t often in the mood, not even for his mother’s kisses, and I respect that.
It’s something others sometimes find hard to understand, especially when he was younger and he hadn’t perfected his death stare yet.
“Go on, give me a kiss!”
“Don’t you love me?”
“Just a little kiss!”
The requests would come from mostly from relations, often in the form of teasing, or joking, but also often being said again and again, and with mock sadness or anger when my child refused physical contact, or became upset and confused about the interaction.
I know the requests are made with bags of love, I know there is no intent to be disrespectful or make anyone uncomfortable, and I know there are some deep-ceded generational ideas and expectations, but it makes my child feel pressured and uncomfortable, confused, and frustrated.
I’ve always taught him to simply say ‘no thanks, I don’t like kisses’. Or I’ve said it for him if he wasn’t able to.
Now that he is older, I suggest that he could offer some other form of affection if he is comfortable with that, a handshake, or a high five and a big smile. We try to explain in a polite manner and then move on. Often that is enough, but sometimes people still persist.
I know they love him, but it is still not ok.
When a child clearly states that they do not want to be touched, hugged, or kissed, I expect adults to respect that.
I want my children to know that ‘no means no’. I want them to understand consent, to seek it, respect it, and expect it in return.
I want them to know that when they say ‘no’ to being touched, others should respect it. I also want my children to learn that when someone else says ‘no’, they need to respect that too, no questions asked, even if they don’t want to. I especially want to raise men who understand consent and this is where that learning begins.
I want my children to know that it is good to listen to their inner voice, and that it is ok to speak out, and say when things make them feel uncomfortable.
I want them to know that they never have to blindly obey a request if they feel uneasy, or uncomfortable about it. I want them to know they can always respectfully ask questions, negotiate, or seek help.
I want my children to know that they have control over their own bodies, and they get to say who can and can’t touch them.
It is hard to teach these things to my children when some adults, even with the best of intentions, and certainly not meaning to, send the opposite message.
So please, when a child says ‘no kisses!’ or ‘I don’t want to hug today’, or even just turns their head away… please don’t take it personally. It’s not that they don’t love you, it’s just that they have a right to their personal space, and no means no whether you are 2, 6, 26, or 62.
Please respect a child’s personal boundaries just as you would with another adult.
Are your kids into hugs and kisses, or not so much?
How do you handle this often tricky situation?
I totally agree! I wish more folks would think this through.
My 4.5 year old son is the same way…”no ucky kisses I don’t like kisses.” So we don’t give kisses. Now big bear hugs are allowed so there are a lot of those. Totally understand this blog post. Thank you for sharing. Glad to find there are others out there like my son.
I love, love, LOVE this post! As an adult who is uncomfortable with physical affection from people outside specific members of my family and the elderly, I am not shocked that one of my beautiful daughters has this same quality. We snuggle for just a few minutes in the morning and maybe the same at night, on most days anyway, but even if we don’t snuggle again until the next day or the day after that, our confidence in one another’s love never wavers. We are not freaks. We love deeply and intensely, and we are very affectionate with our dear loved ones. Also, God has begun a beautiful work in each of us, softening and opening our hearts to allow us greater comfort with more people, and I know that He will complete that work as He sees fit. However, in the meantime, we BOTH continue to struggle with the expectations of those around us. I laugh with the jokes and shrug off the insults, and I do my best not to hurt anyone’s feelings, but I refuse to teach my daughter that she has to compromise her physical comfort to someone else’s expectations. Thank you so much for encouraging all of us who have (or are) children who want and need stronger boundaries around their personal space!
I was the exact same way growing up. My family is super tight and we love each other deeply, but my father was just never a touchy-feely person. But I’ve never felt unloved for a single second! My mom was more affectionate physically, but I’d usually just groan and try to pull away haha. Some of us are just born with a bigger personal space bubble. I’m incredibly introverted, and suspect that has something to do with it. It’s just the way I am, and I hate that anyone would try to make someone feel bad for that. Continue to raise your kids the way you are and they will be very strong, independent adults! :-)
If an adult kisses another adult without their consent it is called sexual assault – it always amazes me that we don’t respect children’s equal rights in this area. I can’t imagine how horrible it would be to be forced to kiss someone when I don’t want to so I would never expect my children to do so.
Thank you for your honest post! My daughter is 8 years old and she still has family members forcing kisses on her. She doesn’t like it but handles it very well. I just wish they would respect her wishes.
This is a great post, with points that everyone needs to understand. My 2 year old daughter is very cuddly and affectionate, but I would do best to nonetheless be aware of her personal space and particular mood and be respectful of that.
I especially appreciate what you say about raising children who can make their boundaries clear and who can respect other people’s boundaries.
One little observation is that I think in paragraph #7 you mean “deep-seated generational ideas and expectations”, rather than “ceded”.
Thank you again for a very good post!
All three of my boys love hugs and kisses (both giving and receiving).
Thanks for writing about something that comes up a lot in my teo year old class, especially at nap time! I will be sharing this with the parents at my center!
While I agree for the most part and parents need to do what they feel is right for their particular child.
I had a very different approach regarding affection. I am very touchy hands on person my husband is not. I had to teach him how to show affection. His nephews are the same way. All of them preferred to be left alone when babies and refused hugs from anyone. They all are on the spectrum to varying degrees. When I was pregnant with my son I figured the chances were good that he too could be on the spectrum. From the very beginning I carried him in a sling at all times. Co-slept with him and had a lot of skin to skin contact time. When we found out that he was indeed on the spectrum the therapists said that he was likely doing so well because I had desensitized him him with all of the kissing and hugging and not putting him down. Now at 7 he realizes that hugs are an appropriate way to show someone you love them. We even get spontaneous hugs now!
Anyway, every child, parent, and family is different and we all need to respect those differences. I would just wonder if a child really never liked to be held and preferred to be alone if there could be a sensory issue there.
I think there is a big difference between not wanting to be touched at all or never showing affection and simply not wanting to be kissed.
My boy is very cuddly and snuggly (as I said in the post) with those people he is close to, and he shows affection in many other ways, he just doesn’t like kisses, especially when they are pushed on him. I can totally understand that. I am not all that comfortable kissing random relatives that I don’t know very well just because it is expected and I am an adult.
I think there are times when all of us, child or adult, would prefer not to be hugged or kissed. As an adult people respect your personal space, they read your body language and don’t force affection on you, but as a child adults often expect you to be affectionate regardless of how you are feeling, and I don’t think that is ok.
I agree that there are many adults who are not respectful of children in general. And we need to encourage children to listen to their instincts, if they don’t want to sit on Uncle Jo’s lap, they should not be forced to.
I also think there is a difference. I hated kisses as a child and avoided hugs as much as possible. On the other hand, I always curled up in my parent’s laps and let them scratch my back or play with my hair. There was just something about hugging and kissing that I was never fond of. It seemed to intimate to me, especially from strangers. Now, as an adult, I am perfectly OK with hugging anyone. I was very shy as a child, but have grown out of it. No amount of forced hugs or kisses would’ve made me less shy, and in fact, they may have made me worse. I might have dreaded being around people if I felt like physical contact was a must in society. I’m very grateful that my parents respected my dislike of certain types of contact.
Exactly! Well written.
Oh thank you! I am very cuddly with people I love; but can’t stand when mere acquaintances want to greet me with a hug. Even worse: “I’d feel more comfortable shaking your hand than hugging you.” “Too bad, I’m a hugger!” Grrrrrrrrr. If that’s how I feel, imagine how much worse it is for kids, who naturally think of adults (all adults) as authority figures.
I have a very clear memory of being 9 years old, and a friend of my sister’s, who was mentally impaired, asked me to sit on his lap. I didn’t want to; but I didn’t feel comfortable saying no because he was my sister’s friend and because he was mentally impaired and I didn’t want to offend him. (He had Down’s syndrome, and I knew, because my dad was a special ed teacher, that Down’s syndrome people are generally very affectionate.) So I sat on his lap. And absolutely nothing happened. But my mom had noticed my discomfort and she told me afterwards, in no uncertain terms, that I didn’t have to sit on anyone’s lap if I didn’t feel comfortable doing it; that I didn’t have to show physical affection to someone if I didn’t want to. It was the first time I’d been told that, and it was a HUGE relief to hear it. I try to tell my own kids that more regularly.
I hate when people don’t respect my personal boundaries. I don’t understand why someone would try to proceed when asked not to. So ignorant.
Rage. The “too bad I’m a hugger” thing. The next time I’m confronted with this I need to get over my deep-rooted shock that people can be so insensitive to my personal space boundary and reply, as my hand rises between us to intercept the unwanted contact, “Too bad I’m not.” Drop mike.
This is SO my daughter! She is extremely lovey with me, and my husband -but, for anyone else she always request space. She told my mom herself that she gives her too many hugs and kisses, and asked her to stop. Which she did…and fully respects her wishes. Now with other family members, its far from the case…they think its funny, and push themselves on her. I’m quite proud of her at the age of 4 to voice her feelings herself…now we will all work on getting ALL to respect her!
My kids are the exact opposite, they love giving and recieveing kisses and hugs. But they despise people messing with their faces and most of the time dislike rough and tumble play. I’ve taught them to say no and I tell people to respect their boundaries. They are people too. Kids are human they are allowed to have bad moods and bad days and space, to many people expect kids to behave better than most adults. It’s unrealistic and unfair.
Yes! I wish more people would respect my child’s wish to not be kissed if she doesn’t feel comfortable. I always back her up if someone persists, and explain that respecting her boundaries is a gift to her. Thanks for posting!
I enjoyed reading this post too.
I have always told (and supported my daughter when needed) that she doesn’t need to kiss or hug anyone she doesn’t want to.
She is very affectionate and often gives hugs and kisses but I can’t tell her that she is in charge of the choices about who touches her but force her to kiss people because they are family or elderly etc. what message would that send? You are in-charge unless it’s family member ? Most abuse happens from a “trusted” adult… Just my 2 cents ????
Thank you SO MUCH for this post. As a child I had not yet disclosed severe abuse from an uncle. I would refuse to hug him goodbye and once bit his hand when he gave me a kiss. I would get in a ton of trouble for being “mean” and “rude” when he clearly just “loved me so much”. My parents were well meaning, trying to teach me to be respectful and socially adept. But, I still vividly remember how sick, angry, and fearful it made me.
I am now a teacher and was a camp counselor in college. I NEVER tell a kid to hug anyone. When parents tell their obviously-unsure-about-it kid to hug me on the last day of camp or school I offer up a special high-five-of-awesomeness instead. Some kids that I know love me the most just don’t like hugs. I’ve had multiple parents apologizing to ME when their child doesn’t want a hug, obviously feeling pressured by the same societal norms that pressured my own parents. I think that as educators and parents we can and should keep changing this to protect and empower our children.
I ALWAYS ask anyone I am want to give a hug (and I am very buggy by nature), child or adult, if I can hug them, unless I already know them very well and know they always like hugs. For adults I just say “do you do hugs?” and for kids I say “would you like a hug or a high five?” because giving an option takes away part of the natural power a suggestion from an adult to a child has. “No” is always just as great an answer. When I adopt my future kids they will have as much control over their bodies as I can give them, keeping them safe of course.
I just don’t see any reason physical contact should be forced!
(Sensory integration for kids on the spectrum and other doctor approved medical interventions is a different matter entirely, I think, but should still be done respectfully.)
I completely agree. I try to always ask my children if I can give them a kiss/cuddle. Sometimes I forget because I show affection by touch, and am quick to stop and apologise for not asking if they show or tell me that they don’t like it. I ask my 3yo every night how she would like me to say goodnight. For a while it was kiss, cuddle, shoulder rub, say goodnight. But now she just wants me to say goodnight without touching her. All of me wants to scoop her up in my arms and give her a massive cuddle, but it’s not what she wants, and I respect that, no matter how hard it is for me
I am so glad I found this article. I have been scouring the internet for weeks. I really though I was doing something wrong because my daughter is 13 months old now and doesn’t give pecs or kisses or nothing. She really only likes to be held when she is upset or tired or when there are strangers around she likes to be as close to me as possible. But I was so upset a couple weeks ago at myself because I though maybe I had messed her up somehow. I have always given her kisses, from the moment they put her in my arms at the hospital and still every day, but she doesnt seem to pick up on that kind of affection.
Amen!!! There is nothing wrong with a child rejecting affection. I was not a touchy feely kid, either. I would have been scarred had hugs and kisses been forced on me. Now, I’m extremely affectionate with my husband and our baby, but still not so much other people. My baby loves our kisses and hugs for now, but I’m already teaching her that I respect when she turns away or screeches (she’s 10 months old). We’ve taught her to kiss us using a cue. We ASK if she wants to give us a kiss. If she does, great! She smacks one on me. If not, she turns away, or ignores me, and she already knows that’s her right and that mom and dad will respect her. I want to raise a woman who is able to voice what she wants. It starts now. If I have boys, it will be the same. Everyone deserves their space.
My girls are both very shy and won’t give hugs to anyone except myself and their father.
I agree it is so important to respect their boundaries!!!!