I want to fix it so badly.
I want to march up to school and demand that they put her in a class with her friends next year.
I want to make his gym teacher only do things that he is confident with and good at.
I want to magic the information into her head so she feels strong and capable.
I want to smooth the way so badly for all of my kids.
I want to be that ‘lawnmower parent’ full of good intentions because I want them to be happy. I want them to enjoy school, and gym, and every moment of everything they do, even though I know that is not realistic.
I know that not everything will be perfect, or easy, or even fun. I know they need to figure things out on their own and learn how to cope with difficult things. And I know that I am not doing my kids any favours by smoothing the way all the time.
So I have to sit back and let them deal…
I can be there to hold them when they cry, to encourage them when they are down, to explain and support… but I can’t fix everything for them.
I have to do the hard yards now. I have to worry, and cry quietly when no one is looking, and second guess, and hate myself for stepping back.
That is what they need me to do.
They need me to let them struggle now, so that later, when they are bigger,and their problems are bigger, and I am not there, then they can cope with set backs, they can manage mistakes, they can pick themselves up and keep going after disappointments.
But right now… right now I want so badly to make it all better. But I won’t. I’ll sit here, plaster a smile on my face, and try very hard not to mow the lawn.
Do you struggle with NOT being a lawnmower parent?
For more on this topic check out my recent post – Why I’m Ok With My Kids Failing.
{Image adapted from AdamKR via Flickr}
Yes yes yes…………………………glad it has a name and I am not the only one and my oldest is only 5! I can’t imagine how I will be with this when his issues are not 5 yr old issues but those of 8, or 10, or 14.
Yes….it’s hard not to. I have a 18 year old that I have to let him make his mistakes so he can learn life’s lesson? it is so very hard when I want to step n and say something. I must say I am proud of the young man he has become :)
Oh, I am :( I know I shouldn’t be as I am teacher and I should know better but seeing my kids sad breaks my heart. Today we had playgroup and my daughter had to return some toy horses that she had become very attached too. She cried and cried and I just wanted to tell them to let her keep them and not be so mean but after I had a long think about, I realised that it will help her grow and I can’t make everything better.
Yes, very much, but I know that mowing the lawn doesn’t make their garden any prettier. I step back, just as you do and let their life unfold as it will. x
“mowing the lawn doesn’t make their garden any prettier” – you always have the best way of saying things!!! And you are dead right!
Hi Kate,
On Tuesday evening I enjoyed the interview with Paul Keating on ABC TV, where he said the love of his mother and grandmother for him was like “wearing the asbestos suit” and, because of it, he could come through the troubles of life unscathed. I also recall times when my mother intervened for me or gave me strategies to deal with something or someone. Maybe there are times when parents do need to step in? I like the idea of scaffolding, helping and supporting a child when you judge that the situation is too big for them, gradually stepping back as their skills develop. And every situation where you or your child is distressed will be different, and require a different response.
I totally agree that there are times when parents need to step in, when you need to advocate for your kids, or help them learn ways to deal with tough situations… but it is that desire to want to make everything go their way, have everything be easy, that I am fighting.
I think scaffolding is a great term… I don’t want to mow down everything in their path and make it all smooth sailing, but I do want to help them learn ways to cope with the hard stuff, not all on their own right now… but one day. :)
My girl starts kindy next year. She’s in pre-kindy this year, and does ballet. We’ve had some minor issues in ballet class and pre-kindy, so I’m already practicing this!
I’ve already seen how well she comes through these minor issues (which must seem like big issues to her).
I am building resilience in her. :)
Because believe me, young adults who have had every problem solved for them as children are not pretty. Working in tertiary education for as long as I have (not teaching), you can pick the ones with a sense of entitlement, that the world revolves around them, and that they should never run into any difficulty. Anyway, I digress.
I keep in mind that she’ll go through it, come through the other side, and realize that she was ok. That it was hard, but she’s stronger now. Especially with the support of me and her dad.
I honestly think it’s one of the hardest things about being a parent- standing back and watching your child get hurt in order for them to learn to fend for themselves in the wild world than unfortunately isn’t always kind. All we can do is be that soft, warm place for them fall and retreat to x
It can be so hard to just sit back and let things happen, but I know I don’t want to make things perfect for them, I don’t want to make it so easy they don’t learn resilience or the simple satisfaction at overcoming things. But I’ll always be there with the hugs and just to listen.
But you mentioned one thing I’m tormenting myself over right now – whether to request my daughter have her core few friends in her class when she starts next year. I don’t think I’d normally have worried, but she is 5 and still has medically-related toileting issues and I am so desperately afraid that her new classmates won’t be so understanding and make fun of her, as one of her other friends have started to do. I don’t really blame the ones who might make fun of her, but I know kids can be hurtful, names can stick for a long time and self-esteem can be so fragile. And I don’t want her to develop a hatred of school so young (& preferably not at all). So on this, I just want to get out that jumbo sized roll of cotton wool and wrap her up so tightly. And since I know I can’t, maybe having her friends nearby will give her strength and comfort if and when she does face the taunts.
The question is if I step in now like I desperately want to, will I find it harder to hold back for other things?
A message for Jane regarding her concerns for her 5 year old’s class placement, if I may? There are some mid points possible here perhaps? Between stepping in and doing nothing? If you are worried talk it over with the school. I am presuming there are some intro to school visits underway? Ask how many entry level classes will there be, and how are the children allocated. If you can’t find a quiet moment with the classroom teacher, talk it over with the principal. It seems likely that you will need to make the staff aware of the medical issue, so in a scheduled meeting you could also raise the placement queries and state your hopes re this.
Thank you very much Helen for your advice. I do plan on talking to the teacher, but it’s a big school and I won’t know her teacher until they release the class lists. But, I think you’re right, and I’ll feel happier talking about it just now even if I don’t intervene in regards to the classmates. Hubby has a few days off next week, so I can leave the girls with him and will arrange a meeting with the Principal if possible. Thanks again :)