Walking to School Worries
They turned right and we turned left.
I didn’t look back as we hustled over the bridge and across the road towards kinder, there wasn’t time.
I installed the big boy happily at the puzzle table and headed back through the park to the supermarket. I heard the school bell ring as we crossed the road and the thought suddenly struck me…
What if something happened to them on the way to school?
I shoved the thought way way down into the pit of my stomach and tried to remember what was on the shopping list that was sitting on the kitchen bench back home.
As I pondered the gluten free status of some sausages, the thoughts crept back up again…
What if they never made it to school?
I squashed them down as we paid for our sausages and half a dozen things that weren’t on the shopping list and headed back to the car.
As I stood there, in the park where I had parted from the girls not even 30 minutes earlier, up came the thoughts again, repeating like a cheap hot dog…
I won’t have any idea if they made it ok until I go and pick them up this afternoon!
I rationalised with myself as we drove home…
They are 8 years old.
They are together.
They walked about 200 metres to school from the park.
They know the route well.
They had no roads to cross.
They only pass the police station and the fire station on the way.
There are loads of other parents and kids walking the same route to school.
Logically, the chance of anything happening to them was minimal.
The chance of anything happening AND not having anyone to help them was even more minimal.
So what on earth is with these crazy, scary, irrational thoughts that keep popping up?
I thought I was totally cool with this whole ‘free-range kid‘ thing, but obviously I am only cool when I stand and watch them walk the 200 metres to school and see them go in the gate.
So much for free-range!
What is with this insidious fear that has crept into all of our lives?
Statistics show that crime rates have dropped, that the likelihood of a child being abducted by a stranger is extremely low, and with no streets to cross I can’t even claim mad car drivers as a reason for my worries.
So where does it come from?
Perhaps it is all the crime shows on TV that beam 3 different child abduction stories into our homes every night. Or maybe it is the news media that highlights these kinds of crimes and makes us what to wrap our kids in cotton wool forever.
Now I am not saying that these things never happen, and I can only imagine how devastating it must be to have it happen to you or your child… but is the rare chance that something horrible might happen a good enough reason to never let your kids leave the house alone? Is it a reason to never give them a little responsibility? Is it a reason to never let them take a risk?
If I don’t let my very sensible 8 year old girls walk a very safe route to school, then how will they ever learn? How will they ever develop the skills and confidence to go anywhere without me?
Will I still be supervising their every step when they are 13? When they are 15? When they are 17?
And then what? Then when they turn 18 I just tuck them into their car and watch them drive off alone for the first time in their lives???
I will never stop worrying about them, not when they walk to school and certainly not when they drive off in a car! But I choose to set these worries aside. I choose to remind myself again and again of why it’s all ok, why this is the right thing to do… and I choose to hold my breath just a little until I see them rush out of their class room in an hour and 10 minutes (no, of course I am not counting the minutes…. well ok, just a little!)
Are you a ‘free-range’ parent?
At what age do you let your kids walk to school? Go to the shops alone? Catch a train on their own?
How do you manage the worry when you do?
Ah, this is me in 6 years. I am definitely an academic-devotee of Free Range Kids but whether I can pull it off in real life is another question entirely! Terrible isn’t it – that we have all these unjustified fears – but there’s always that “what if” niggle in the back of your mind because you know if the worst (and most unlikely) happened you would never forgive yourself. I think my best chance is to “think free range” and then try to act it as often as I can without making myself insane with worry.
that’s exactly it… I mean I am 99.9% sure they are fine… but what if that .1% happened? I could never forgive myself…. but I have to because I can’t keep everyone wrapped in cotton wool forever!
I have the same worry about my kids playing out the front of our house. Apart from cars hooning around our street, I worry about who might drive or walk past and whisk the kids away. As you say, minimal chance of it happening but a risk I’m not quite ready to take!
In Japan all elementary school aged children {public school} walk to school alone or in groups {kids only}. You can not walk with them unless you are a “moniter” although it is usually teachers that are moniters. I am not sure if this is the case in all areas but it definitely is in most. If they have to walk 1km or 2km or more then they walk in groups and there is usually moniters along the way and they must only walk along the route they were taught.
When we were looking at land/houses {before we decided to take on family land} it was a big issues for me to be within 500m of the elementary school since our children will go to public school. Others I know live more than 1km away and you can`t drive them {well not directly to the school} even if it is 35 degrees plus, snowing or raining. It is a bit ridiculous. In really snowy areas of Japan it is okay to drive your kids to school but the schools usually have parking areas where as the local ones near here do not {not enough space}
Kids are 6 when they start walking to school.
It is nothing to see a 6-7 year old on a train by themselves here though but I definitely wouldn`t be comfortable with that- often kids will ride the train by themselves to go to private school from that age and then walk or take a bus from the train station they are going to. I can see the elementary school from our new house 2nd floor….it is less than 200m away from us too. If we were further away I would definitely be more paranoid!
I guess because it is the norm here I am not as worried but I would be similar to you if I was in Australia for sure but as you said lots of people walk that route, lots of people around to help them if they had trouble and it is only 200m. Am sure that they will have loved the independence you gave them even if you were worried sick the whole time.
this is sooo fascinating!
I think part of this worry thing is cultural… I have been conditioned to worry about this stuff. And it is backed up by random strangers who confront me about letting my four year old walk 100 metres ahead of me, ‘because he might run off or get abducted or something’.
If it was more ‘normal’ as a cultural thing I think I’d be much more ok with it. Mind you… we live 8kms from the closest school so the only walking thing wouldn’t quite work here, but I’d be happy to drop them at a walking point and have them walk from there with other kids…
I know it’s hard, Kate. Sadly we live in this fear filled world, where sensationalism sells newspapers, so the more horrifying the newslines, the better, where something horrible happens on one side of the globe, and we think it’s going to happen in our neighbourhoods. It’s sad. You’re doing your girls a tremendous favour by letting them venture out on their own. My guys have been walking/biking to school (about 1/2 km away) since they were in grades 1 & 3 – they rode or walked together. Meanwhile, the 12 year old next door has never been allowed to. His parents feel they’ve kept him “safe”, but like you, I fear that this kid will be hit by a car the first time he crosses a busy street by himself. And I’ve thought exactly the same thing as you: “he’ll be able to get behind the wheel of a car in 4 years!!”, and yet he’s never been allowed to walk to school alone. Yikes. I think this generation’s tendency to shelter and protect our kids too much has the potential to back-fire. Your girls will gain confidence, independence, a few street smarts, and will just enjoy the ABSOLUTE freedom that comes along with venturing out into the world a little on their own.
Hang in there, Kate. It’s not always easy being a free-range mom, and I’m not saying you’ll stop worrying one day, but it does get easier. Good for you for taking this step! xo
thank you!
I really needed to read that!
Still 50 minutes till schools out!!
XO One day at a time! XO
My kids aren’t at school yet but I am sure I will have *exactly* the same fears and worries when they do start,even though we are only 200m from the front gate. I have heard of some schools having ‘walking trains’ which is a fabulous idea, but we all have to let goat some point…
I know I will feel exactly the same when we get there Kate, thankfully with the added reassurance that our school follows up unexplained absences with a phone call to the parents immediately after roll call… Hopefully it gets easier…
When you and the McCann’s started walking to school in a group Geraldine and I used to take it in turns kind of stalking you all from a distance to see you were all OK, so nothing has really changed in 30 or more years.
Mum! I can’t believe you stalked us!!!!!!
At least I know my worry is genetic now!
I know so many parents who won’t even let their kids walk home from school, even if it’s only 200 m away. My girlfriend does t allow it either for her two boys 9 & 11. I grew up in holland, and we were walking/riding our bikes to school that was a half hour walk, could do it in 20 minutes of we half ran… In high school it was a 45 minute bike ride.. No busses or parents driving us there ever XD
Teach your kids to be responsible not to talk to people, and come straight back home and trust them to do the right thing, they’ll be fine. Most of us did.
if you go by everything that you hear and see you wouldn’t leave the house. Every 4 days in nsw a child is abducted (keep in mind that most of these cases are fathers who are abducting them) the statistic for abduction would be a lot lower if they weren’t included.
Our perception of risk is not really rational. The most risky thing most of us do with our kids is to put them in the car and drive them somewhere. But how often do we think about the risks of taking that extra trip to the shops etc? It’s something to do with our perception of control – we feel in control when we are driving a car even though statistically speaking we’re less safe than we are in most other everyday situations.
BTW I let my kids’ teachers know that they are walking alone and to call me if they ever don’t show up – that’s the accepted practice at our school.
Enjoyed reading your post. I’m most certainly NOT a free range parent and can totally see myself thinking the same thoughts that you had in about 7 years. My little one is just a baby so I have some time before I get there.
Tuesday, I was writing a post about my college years, smiling as I thought back on some of the crazy memories and wondering how I somehow managed to survive those years relatively unscathed.
Then, fear struck– I have no idea how I am ever going to let my baby boy go away to college someday! I’m hoping by that time, they’ll allow us to install video cameras on our children so that they can be under surveillance 24/7 and we can make sure they’re okay at all times.
I’ve left Annie home alone a couple of times when I’ve gone to pick up Heidi from school – I’m never away for more than half an hour. Yet I spend the whole time fretting ‘Will she be okay’, then I think, how else will she learn.
In a way your post echoes a conversation I had a couple of days with our school Principal about Naplan. I am worried about my very anxious girl having to sit the tests. But then isn’t it better to practice now in a supportive environment at primary school than be thrown in the deep end in high school? I’m grateful our school takes a very laid back approach to Naplan and doesn’t pressure the kids, but I still worry, is it too soon, too much.
I know Naplan testing and free range kids are two different topics but it seems to be a common theme when you parent. Is this the right time? The right thing to do? What if?
You are spot on about the tests…. etc… It is all about figuring when is the right time, and how much challenge is enough….
The Naplan testing with test me too as my girls tend to worry themselves into a hole about things like that. But again… if we are doing the school thing then they need to learn skills to cope with these things. I guess the question is, when are they ready to learn these skills and when is it just stress?? Gotta ‘suck it and see’ to find out I guess!
I giggled (okay I was glad I hadn’t started my coffee yet :P) when I read your mum’s comment :P
I live on a street that can get quite busy during peak time. I would let my 7yo and 5yo walk down the street to their friends’ house on the same side of the road as we’re on (there’s two quiet side streets leading onto our street that they would have to cross, but not our street), but I wouldn’t let the almost-3yo go with them. As is at least one of us goes with them to the neighbours as the tot always wants to go too and there are way too many hoons in our area (seriously the amount of times I’ve heard someone discovering the hard way there’s a roundabout down the road toward the neighbour’s place). I wouldn’t let them go to the park on their own yet even though it’s closer as they have to cross a busy roundabout and the 5yo always forgets to check for traffic :)
No busy roads and idiot drivers is a whole different thing!
I would eventually like my girls to be able to walk from school to kinder on their own one afternoon a week. It’s only a couple of blocks in a safe area… but they either have to cross one super busy road with a pedestrian crossing that cars often don’t stop at, or one much less busy road but it is a tricky intersection where cars can come from 4 places….
Deciding on the best route and teaching them how to cross safely is proving a little stressful for us all!!
Man, thinking about that made my skull split :S Do you not have crossing guards outside your schools?
Yeah we have a lollipop lady out side of school to cross them over the main road… but either way they walk they will still have one more road to cross….
One is a very quiet country town road, and there are lots of other kids and parents walking the same way… and they have to learn to cross a road safely eventually right???
I think it’s gonna take some time for us to work up to this! LOL
I love this post :)
As a mum of four (eldest is almost 15yrs) – I’ve done my fair share of stalking. Dropping kids at the bus stop, only to drive/walk a distance away so I can make sure they get on OK with strict guidelines that I need a text that they have arrived!
Our three older kids walked 2kms to school on their own for three years. I’d walk with them in the beginning and then petered off. The independence was great for them. Admittedly – my heart was in my throat for 20 minutes every afternoon, especially when the eldest was catching a bus to high school and had to walk along a busy road with no proper footpath (I was more worried about brown snakes than trucks!).
They’ve all made it through. They’ve taught their friends skills and because they have had time on their own at home – they get drilled on safety things (what to do if…. ; don’t do this ….. ; etc).
Start young and small – empower them to pay for things at the shops (yes it takes longer, but so worth it), walk ahead of you, cook a meal, do their chores etc.
It’s not about letting them free range without learning skills first, even a mother hen will have her eye on her brood letting them go a little further every day as they grow.
The worry and fear we feel I think is simply our instinct that will ensure we’ll grab our kids in an emergency and a little thing called love :)
AH Marina, your comment makes so much sense!
I even get the bit about snakes as my kids will have to walk a similar distance from a bus stop when they go to high school.. complete with the busy road and snakes!
Interestingly I have found my zen about the risk of snakes in our backyard…. I make the kids wear gumboots rain hail or 40 degree temp, we have educated them about what to do if you see a snake and what to do if you are biten… and while I still worry (hate snakes) I don’t hesitate to throw them outside at every opportunity, despite almost stepping on a snake on our front door step this time last year.
So that really gives me hope that I can find my zen about walking to school and every other worrisome thing I’ll encourage my kids to do at some stage!
We’ve been hoping to send our 9 yr old son off to school on his bike this year. He’s definitely responsible enough, it’s just the checking for traffic that frightens me. I’ve started going for rides at dusk with him, just the two of us, so I can monitor him and make suggestions. So far I’d have to say he’s doing really well. But I’m still not quite convinced he’s ready…or is that me…?!
It’s funny. Mum used to let us play at random neighbourhood kids’ houses until after dark, and yet she has a go at me for letting the boys play in the yard by themselves.
As you say, the world isn’t any more dangerous, we are more paranoid.
I want my kids to be independent and confident, but it’s so hard to figure out where to put the boundaries. I’m hoping I can figure it out before I HAVE to.
Parenting is fundamentallya crap job, because you have to give your heart and then spend all your energy teaching your kids to be independent of you. Build safe boundaries and let them go. Sometimes they’ll fall over, sometimes they’ll hurt and it will drain your life blood but your job remains the same. If kids aren’t offered risks they can manage as they reach teenage hood they are prone to find bigger risks and engage in dangerous behaviour. to all you great mums and dads -give them wings.
PS i am sure your beautiful daughters made it safely to school. They are pretty cautious
Oh Kate, I do get that … And how is that worries pop into our heads like a random thing, then whoosh.. Worry levels to 10!
I agree that your girls always do seem to know what to do & they have each other as safety-nets.
But helicopter parenting is not just a recent phenomenon as your mum said… In 1989 my DD was driving herself to school to do her HSC exams…..and I’d taken time off school for 2 weeks to be “at home” to be “there” for her…. Well, I stalked her, via my car, driving at a distance from her to see she arrived on time. I haven’t told her that! And guess what, she only needed me at home during HSC so I could buy her & friends HOT CHIPS after the exams!!
Back to the topic- kids have been found to not fully develop peripheral vision until approx 8 years of age, which is why Road Safety rules say kids need an adult to accompany them crossing the road. And, I think that worry is the addition to your life when you produce kids… Even if you were a worrier anyway, it seems worse & with the girls struggling as early babies, you’ve got to have underlying fears remaining from those days.
Bit of a post here, but a very important topic. Love D.