When she was little my child was a classic ‘picky eater.’
At around two and a half years old she suddenly started ‘going off’ food she’d previously eaten, so did her sister, and her little brother at the same age. All of a sudden the children who used to eat a huge variety of healthy foods suddenly turned their noses up at almost everything.
I knew it was pretty normal for that age, and I knew that usually, over time, most picky eaters will come around and go back to eating almost everything again. So I sat tight, tried to make sure food was not a battle, and I waited.
By age four my other kids had come full circle, and while they now had some strong personal food preferences, they were no longer what I would call ‘picky eaters’.
But it didn’t happen like that for one of my kids, she continued to be the definition of ‘picky’.
When Your ‘Picky Eater’ Doesn’t Grow Out of It
When my ‘picky eater’ didn’t simply ‘grow out of it, I tried to just be ok with it, to learn to live with it.
I knew making a big deal over it wouldn’t help, but there were times when I was so exhausted, so over it, and so worried. There were times when I just wanted her to ‘bloody well eat what everyone else was eating!’ And there were times when ‘being ok with it’ went right out the window, and I totally lost it over her eating habits.
I never knew food could hold so much power, but my picky eater has caused me to stress out, flip out, and even curl up in a ball and cry at times. And I am pretty sure she has felt all those same emotions too.
For a long, long, time I assumed she was still ‘just a picky eater’. I still waited for her to ‘grow out of it’, but the older she got the more I realised that this was not a passing phase, she was not simply ‘growing out of it’.
When I started to look beyond the so called ‘picky-ness’ I saw other things. I saw things that have probably always been there, and always been a part of the food issues, but things I hadn’t noticed, and to be honest, it was almost a relief.
It doesn’t make the day to day ‘what will we eat?’ issue any easier, but it does give us a direction, a place to look for strategies, and somehow it has taken the battle and the guilt out of it all. Now I feel like we are in this thing together, we are working together to make food work for all of us, as best we can.
When a child doesn’t grow out of being a picky eater there is often something other than developing taste buds and toddler power struggles at play. Physical issues, sensory issues, or mental health issues may be behind a child’s continued or extreme picky eating, and it is worth seeking advice and support.
There is no magic trick to make our kids eat whatever we put in front of them, but there is light at the end of the picky eater tunnel, even if that tunnel has been a really long, dark place, and even if you find yourself right back in the dark sometimes.
If your child hasn’t grown out of the usual ‘picky eating’ phase then reach out for some information and advice.
A good place to start is your family doctor, paediatrician, or a psychologist. Some people might still assume your child is just being ‘picky’ or try and place blame on your parenting choices, but if your gut feeling is that something else is going on, please keep looking for a specialist who can support and help you.
The following articles, and websites may help….
What is ARFID?
An explanation and information about avoidant restrictive food intact disorder from Eating Disorders Victoria.
Your Kids Table
This blog has lots of good, down to earth, doable suggestions and advice for families.
The Stress of Having a Picky Eater: 3 Tips to Help Parents
A few tips for coping with eating challenges from Leader Live.
Is Picky Eating An Eating Disorder? Living With Selective Eating Disorder and No Vegetables
An adult talks about her selective eating from Bustle.
Sensory Processing Explained | Oral Sensory System
This is a great explanation about oral sensory issues from Lemon Lime Adventures in case that is in play with your child’s eating challenges.
Food Fights!
My thoughts on feeding my kids from way back in 2011, before I had any idea that this ‘picky eating’ thing was not just a ‘phase’, but when I decided to give up the guilt and arguments over food, which turned out to be one of the best things I could have done!
Do you have a ‘picky eater’ who has not simply ‘grown out’ of it?
How do you manage food day to day for your child with eating challenges?
How did you discover that this was more than just a ‘phase’?
Leave a comment below and share your story.
Ellyn Satter’s work is absolutely invaluable. I assume many of the links you’ve included would cite her work. Just google Satter and Division of Responsibility. This approach has been a total game changer for our family. We too have one child whose ‘pickiness’ has been and is pervasive. He has gone many consecutive nights without dinner when we were trying to strong arm him into eating. I’m ashamed to look back on our previous approaches. But glad I did the research and we found something that works for us. And mostly importantly for our son.
Yes! The idea that I can’t and don’t have to control what my children eat, rather just offer them good food and let them do the rest is something I think I always felt in the back of my mind, but I had to clear away all the doubt and worry and guilt to really embrace it!
Yes, I worked with a nutritionist for a little while for my 4 year old, mainly because I was so anxious about it all. She works with Ellyn Satter’s models, really recommend them.
I would love to say we are all sorted, but it is a continuing mission for us. Thank you for writing this. Yesterday I talked to a mum who said ‘oh we are sugar free in our house, have you tried frozen banana rather than icecream’. I felt like a crap mum. Again. But my child will even only eat particular ice cream flavours and refuses most home baking. Not that I care about those, just to illustrate the limitations she puts on food.
Having to explain or apologise (though I try not to do that, but old habits die hard!) for my child’s eating issues is hard sometimes… if only it was as easy as substituting one food item for something similar! But it also reminds me again and again of that saying about how we don’t know the battles others are fighting or the journey they are on, so I try to just smile and nod and say ‘so great that works for your family!’
Hi Kate – my 15 yo son is a selective eater. As a toddler every step forward with food seemed to coincide with gastro bugs. Which seemed to put us more behind. So his food selection became narrow. In preschool fruit had to be shared so a banana went everyday. The only fruit he would eat.
He also has pica which is triggered by anxiety. Pencils, glue, paper, tan bark, tree bark all eaten. We’re almost there now.
His food almost never can have a sauce or gravy (bolognaise is the exception). So stews are either prepared with a little meat left out or washed at the end. I’m now starting to blot or drain rather than wash. Vegetables are eaten raw. But he won’t eat tomato or cucumber.
Cooking at school has been wonderful, he’s now added fried rice and toad in the hole to his food selection. As has studying Japanese – we can take him to tepinyaki and he’ll eat most of what is served.
He orders his own food when we are eating out too.
Step by very slow step we have arrived in a place where I know nutritionally he gets a variety of food. I still introduce new foods and recipes, some with success some without.
Don’t let it get you down.
It is such a journey isn’t it! We had a big win this week when my selective eater told me to put some soup in with the noddles so she could ‘get used to the idea of soup’. Most people would think that was a ridiculous idea, but I saw it as a sign that we are heading in the right direction.
My 2.5 year old did several months of feeding therapy when he was 13 months old because he refused to eat any solid foods and was gross motor delayed and falling off the growth chart. Through that therapy we were able to get him to about 25 foods, but last month he went on antibiotics for an infection and got a sore tummy from them. He cried for several days, all day long, and we finally got him to eat some oatmeal. Now the only thing he will eat, day in and day out, is oatmeal. Apparently we are starting all over again :( It’s so hard.
Oh it really is hard!! Much love and strength to you!
My now 14 1/2 year old son eats hardly anything of nutritional value and it terrifies me. He stopped eating everything he loved as a little kid at around age 5. All of a sudden he starting saying “I don’t like this” or I don’t like that” even though he always ate it before. I would tell his doctor at every visit, but he always said “well he’s gaining weight so I wouldn’t worry” or he once said “if I had a $1 for every mother that said their child doesn’t eat anything I would be rich”. So I didn’t worry as much, just fed him what he would eat. Now years later, not much has changed. He eats certain pizza (not all), only Mc Donalds nuggets and fries, no other fast food from anywhere, orders nothing at restaurants except for grilled cheese (depends on how it looks) or just a sick of pickles and soda. He’ll eat pancakes and waffles only, but no syrup. He eats sunflower seeks, some candy and lays potato chips with whip cream. I really need help with this, oh and he never eats school lunches, ever! I’m at a lost.
O am not an expert on this topic, just a parent who has been there and knows how hard it is… but I would really suggest you seek out some professional help. If your doctor isn’t receptive I’d look elsewhere as I’d want to rule out any other underlying issues that may be part of his food issues, and to make sure he is otherwise doing ok. Good luck, I hope you are able to find some peace with this soon.