Ok don’t get all excited folks… contrary to what the post title might have you think, this isn’t another post about sex. I’m not game to do that again since it kind of sort of might encouraged baby #4 last time. Though I guess if I were going to write about sex again, now would be the time, since I can’t get any more pregnant than I already am, can I?
Anyway… I’m not talking about sex… I’m talking about passion.
You know… that profound drive to do something, to learn, make a difference, be part of something… that kind of passion, or lack there of.
You see I used to passionate about stuff. I’m sure I was. At least I think I was.
I can remember going to countless CISV (follow the link it’s a really interesting international program promoting peace education) committee meetings and heading off to foreign countries and learning so much stuff and feeling so passionate about how we were going to influence people’s lives and make the world a friendlier place.
Then I got passionate about early childhood stuff…. I was busy learning stuff and working and studying and reading and talking with people and I was determined that I could be part of excellence in early childhood education.
Then I had kids… and all that passion just drained away.
I don’t think it was the actual kids that sucked it out of me (though it might have been), but the whole ‘becoming a parent’ thing perhaps? I suddenly had a whole new perspective and the idea that I could be so ridiculously naive to think that I could change the world, or that I knew anything about kids before I’d actually had my own seemed so overwhelming that I think it scared the passion out of me.
Having kids has made me realise there is so much I just don’t know, will never know. There is just so much that doesn’t have one right answer. There is so very many variables. I’ve never felt so much like there were so many shades of grey in the world… so many rights, so many possibilities,…. that’s kind of kicked my passion in the bum.
I still have fleeting moments of passion, like when I get up on my high horse and preach about my hate of colouring in sheets (for example), but then the uncertainty hits and the fire in my belly leaks away.
Maybe that to feel passionate about something I have this misguided notion that I need to commit myself 100%. To throw myself into it in an all or nothing kind of way…. and I just struggle to do that these days.
I’m tired… even things that I find quite interesting or inspiring, the thought of attending a meeting or committing to a group or even sending off a protest emails, or finishing a craft project often seems like too much for me to manage.
The thing is though…. being around others who are passionate about things, even about things I don’t necessarily agree with, is so inspiring…. and so demoralising. It makes me feel so apathetic… so grey and nothing. Like I will never have a profound thought or rally to action ever again….
Has anyone seen my passion?
If so can you ask it to come home.