Don’t Squash Big Feelings.
He’s raging over what seems to be such an insignificant thing.
She is being surly and selfish and rude.
I want to tell them to simply stop… stop being so rude, and nasty and self centered.
But by doing that I am telling them to stop having those feelings. And while sometimes I wish my kids never got angry, or were selfish, or hand any number of more negative feelings, when I can step back from the moment and think about it, it is not only unrealistic to wish that, but also unhelpful.
In the calm after the storm, when I have space to think about my own feelings and reactions I realise that don’t want my children to not have those feelings, I just want them to learn to deal with them better. What I really want is for them to figure out ways to express those feelings and deal with them in ways that are healthy and less destructive for themselves and others.
Squashing those big negative feelings won’t help them deal with them, and, in the long run, it won’t stop them happening. It won’t stop the difficult behaviour that results from those feelings either. But it may teach them that feeling angry or selfish or grumpy is not ok and in turn that they are not ok for having those feelings. That is not something I want to pass on to my kids.
So I am working on letting my kids just feel whatever they feel.
I am working on setting aside my own discomfort that stems from having to deal with difficult behaviour, or from feeling bad that my children feel bad.
I am working on separating the feelings from the behaviour.
I am working on telling them it is ok to feel angry, or disappointed, or sad.
I am working on offering them other ways to deal with those feelings.
I’m working on those things for myself too.
How? How? HOW?? I would love to know! I have been really struggling with that lately. And sometimes I know what to say. Sometimes I have the presence of mind to stay calm in the storm. And sometimes I am just completely at a loss. I would sincerely love to hear how you and others handle the rough waters.
We love using feeling statements with our kids “I know you are sad because you wanted to…”, or “you seem frustrated that…” (Kind of putting words to some of their feelings; unless of course they are beyond that- having a tantrum or totally inconsolable). Similarly we try to calmly count destructive behaviour. With that said I know those feelings of struggling to stay calm… I am currently working on trying to not yell back or over my toddlers playful unconstructive screams (trying to quietly mouth ‘sh’ or put a hand on them rather than yelling over them)…but gosh, as mums there is always something I am trying to do better
I try to do that too – put names to the feelings – and I know it’s common advice, but I tell you, it just doesn’t seem to work with my tantrum throwing 7 year old. She just gets madder and screams to cover the sound of my voice!
I have a nine year old who tends to be like that…
After much trial and error and many tears I have learned that for her, I need to have a go at labeling her feelings, offer to listen if she wants to talk (she almost never does), state clearly what the limits are (ie you can be angry but you can not lie in your bed and scream nasty things about your sister) and then walk away.
Sometimes she goes on and on and I have decided lately that it needs to be nipped in the bud for this one as she just works herself up and then can’t find a way out of it all. So if she can’t get a handle on things within a few minutes I make her do some kind of task or chore, with me or alone if she is still raging. She hates it in the beginning but usually having to focus on doing something with her body eventually calms her.
I once worked with a child around that same age with very similar problems. Heck I think I was that child at that age. One of the things that I provided her with was a space to get out her feelings. I introduced her to journaling. I gave her a space to be free to let out all the feelings she had, whether that be in words, pictures, or just mindless babble. I once gave her some chalks and she made some of the most beautiful abstract child art I’d ever saw. Just a thought.
so many great replies from everyone here in the comment thread!
I do pretty much the same thing… label feelings, try to make sure I do so without adding my own bias to them, and then offer alternative behaviours to help release or cope with the feelings.
I don’t know how to help my 4-year-old handle her big emotions. Mostly I’ve just been letting her ride them out. I ask her if she wants to be alone or if she’d like me to sit with her. Any suggestions, like taking a deep breathe, or counting, is just met with anger when she’s in one of those moods, so I’m a bit lost!
My big boy has trouble calming down when he loses it too… I tell hm to take a breath and he just screams at me that he can’t! Lately I have been asking him to ‘blow me away’ and then I take a deep breath and try and blow into his face or onto his hand… for some reason he is more able to ‘blow out’ or ‘blow onto me’ than to breath in and sometimes it helps break the cycle.
But see my above reply about my older girl who’s rages need to be nipped in the bud with some kind of task…
Maybe I need to write about ways to deal with big emotions next week!
They need to know that’s it’s okay to have those feeling but they also need to have a way to express their feeling. Some kids just need to tell someone, some need to be redirected into another activity and some need to express their frustration out. If they need to express, I would give them a specific amount of time to express and then have them move on. If they need to talk, talk about it for a specific amount of time and then move on. Too much time spent on it draws too much attention to it and makes it too much of a big deal. Redirect with another activity, have them express with coloring/drawing/blocks something with their hands or have them express with 5 senses (eyes, hands, or mouth). Ask them to show you show they feel with their faces, ask how they want to feel, ask what you can do to help them feel better, ask how the other person felt (if there is another person)- make them feel like a person. That is what has worked for me.
Emma, I think you’re doing exactly the right thing by doing nothing. When you’re already feeling angry, frustrated and confused, the last thing you want is someone insisting that you talk about it before you’re ready. All you really want to do in that moment is just cope until the mood passes and you can be rational again. Unfortunately that’s something we all have to learn on our own. It’s horrible to watch, but it’s not about you. Wait until she’s calmed down (and she will… eventually) and let her know you’re there to talk about it if she wants to do so. Then, when sh’e more receptive, you can ask her if she’d be interested in learning techniques on how to cope (the counting, deep breathing) when she’s feeling overwhelmed. Hope this helps.
that is fabulous advice… Sometimes it is really hard, as a parent, to separate your child’s emotions from your own, but it really is not about you, and we just need to let them feel these emotions, we can’t always ‘fix’ them.
Thank you! Like Kate said in her reply, we parents just want to “fix” the problems our kids have, but maybe we do have to just let them learn to deal with it and let it pass, then talk to them when they’re more rational. Thanks!:)
I have one who just needs to be left to ‘ride it out’ and is pretty good at getting himself under control if he is given time and space to do so. Once he has calmed down a little bit he can also say what he needs to feel better (a cuddle, some quiet time, something safe to hit etc). But my other one seems to respond much better to having limits set on his behaviour. If I do too much focussing on his feelings or over-do the ‘reflective listening’ it seems to amplify his feelings and he gets so caught up in them that they spiral out of control. Whereas if I let him scream (or whatever) for a few minutes and then re-direct him to something else he seems to cope much better.
Thanks for the reminder Kate. I am really struggle with my middle child’s feelings (or with her expression of them) lately. She has a tendency to fly off the handle for the slightest of things. I need to remember to let her know that it’s okay to *feel* angry. But, I am struggling with helping her to find helpful ways of coping with those feelings. She’s pretty good at recovering on her own *eventually* if I just leave her alone. Unfortunately, eventually would mean her big brother being late for school (and her too) too often.
In a perfect world we would all just give our kids as much time and space as they needed to reflect on their feelings and deal with them… except none of us live in a perfect world right? We all have other children and outside schedules and routines, not to mention our own needs… the juggle is so hard sometimes!
Because of the response to this post I am going to write a follow up with some suggested ways to deal with big emotions… hopefully for next Thursday! :)
I say, “it’s okay to be angry (sad, disappointed, etc) but it is not okay to scream (hit, throw thing, etc.) Would you like a hug, some alone time, etc until you feel better?”
Thank you for addressing this issue. Obviously it touches a lot of us! And I was so happy to read the responses to find that I actually am doing it right. I label feelings, give her her space, and if she can’t come out of it on her own, I just go in for the hug and let her cry until she regains control. It is just scary even as a parent, to see so many big emotions coming out of such little bodies. It’s good to know that we aren’t the only ones out there struggling through this.