I don’t go to the big shopping centres often any more, and even less often do I go with all four kids in tow. But it is school holidays and we are meeting Dad at the cinema so the big kids can go see Ice Age 4. It only takes us about five minutes to wind our way from the car park, through the crowds, down two levels to the cinema, but in that time 5 different people have commented on my family.
“Are they all yours?”
“Don’t you know what causes it?”
“Don’t you have a TV?”
“You have too many children love!”
At least the last idiot called me ‘love’, you know… to soften the blow of a random stranger poking their nose into my business.
For the record…
Yes – they are all my children, all four of them.
We have a fairly good idea of what ’causes it’ and happen to think we are actually quite good at it.
And yes, we have a TV, two in fact, thanks for being so concerned about my media habits.
I don’t understand why people think it is ok to pass comment on a strangers family, sexual habits, or number of children.
It’s not like my kids were being badly behaved, taking up lots of space, or even being loud, they were walking quietly through the shopping centre minding their own business. If only the rest of the people there would mind their own business too, then I would have no issue.
But apart from that… since when is four kids such a HUGE family?
Since when did four kids become something so strange? Since when is four kids a ‘large family’?
I know plenty of families who have four or more kids, and plenty who have less, and plenty who have none. They are all valid choices, there is no one perfect family size. I don’t feel the need to pass comment on them, nor do I feel that our four kids somehow make us ‘out of the ordinary’.
Sure our house might be a little noisier, or crazier, or busier than if we’d stopped at two kids, but it’s not so very different from any other family, really it’s not. We don’t feel different, or special, or insane (well no more insane than I would have been with or without four kids).
Perhaps I am overly sensitive but I see people’s eyes widen a little when I say I have four kids. And then there are the comments like the ones above, or the slightly more polite versions such as…
“You’ve got your hands full” (not so much now they can all walk) or “Wow! That’s a lot of kids!” or “Tell me you aren’t having any more… ha ha”
It’s those comments that make me want to say “You think four is a lot?? We have 18 more at home….”
So tell me? Do I live in la la land? Does four kids really make ours a ‘large family’ and something out of the ordinary?
Oh and have you got any great come back lines for random nosy strangers?
Wendy S says
I have 5 kids, my youngest is 7 months old and the others are 19,17,15 and 11.
I have been getting a lot of the “wait until she grows up” comments lately. Usually little old ladies who look a bit shocked when I tell them my other daughters are 17 and 15!
I know what they’re like when they grow up!
Then I get the “FIVE” said like a swear word.
Trace says
I guess once you don’t fit into a sedan you are considered a large family…
I still can’t believe that random strangers would say these things to you though! How rude!!!
I would just say something like “no, these random children just keep following me around… would you like one?”
Nic says
Man that is rude. I think 4 isn’t that unusual, 3 is pretty average, but having said that, lots of families at berens school have 4, quite a few even have 5. One mum has 9 !! Now that is what I consider big LOL.
Mandy says
I think society leads us to think 4 is a large family. For goodness sake I get a large family payment from the government for having three!!
But I don’t think 4 is huge, but I like to read blogs written by people with 5-7 children, so it’s feeling slightly normal to me.
On another note, nobody ever talked to me pre kids. I called walk invisibly through the crowd. As soon as you have a baby stranges think it’s their right to peer in the pram, put their too bobs worth in.
I get asked at least once a week if my big kids are twins. Theres 18mths difference, I just say no and move on now, I’m over trying to explain.
katef says
That is so true… I never knew how invisible I was pre-kids. Now people seem to just love to say something… anything… no matter how stupid! LOL
Debbie says
I feel your pain – and no, four is not a large family. I’ve had all those comments as well and once, a patient I was looking after made the tv comment to me (“You obviously don’t have a tv, hahahaha”). I could have slapped him. I only wish I was witty (or brave) enough with a smart comeback when people think it’s their right to comment.
The only time I think having 4 kids is a large family is when I get behind on the washing, or we have to pay a fortune to go somewhere.
katef says
Oh your comment reminded me…
When my DH was in hospital last year one of the Doctors thought it was funny to suggest my husbands heart problems were because of ‘all the kids!’. Then the head of cardiology walked in and said “Are these all yours?” and I was about to hit him when he said… “these don’t cause heart attacks… I know, cause I have six!”…. loved him then LOL
Megsy says
I get the hands full comment a lot, but I’ve only ever had one stranger tell me not to have any more, which made me want to run home and get pregnant just to spite her. Why people think they have any right to comment on other people’s personal decisions I will never understand, so rude!!!
Lauren Burke says
I think you deserve a medal !! Unfortunately in today’s society, 4 does seem big, especially in certain places/suburbs. It’s funny that demographics that seem to portray family sizes. In certain Sydney suburbs, the general consensus was 1 or 2, but in the Inner Western suburbs, families were bigger with 3 or 4 being the norm. I have 2, and they are busy enough, and whilst I romanticise about having 4, I think 3 might be it in a few years. Its a personal choice, but as Mandy says above, having children out in public (god forbid!) seems to automatically give a pass to strangers to feel they should comment. At least your 4 were quite and behaving themselves. Pooh-bar to those that judge !
Lauren :)
Aroha says
I think it is all relative and different peoples perspectives. I only have one child so yes, to me, 4 seems large! But not in a bad way and I would never say anything like that to a complete stranger. I think about our unit we live in and our cars and I can’t imagine having 3 more kids fit in this scenario. Maybe that’s why people think that? it’s just a shame some people don’t seem to have their censor switch on and stupid stuff comes out of their mouths. For what it’s worth, I am wrong for having only 1, too. because its selfish and he will be a spoiled brat and he really needs and deserves a sibling to get along in life.
Laura says
I have three children, two of them are twins (boy/girl twins). On the subject to strangers commenting on families, I always get….”are your twins IVF or natural?”. From complete strangers! I am sure you got similar comments with your girls :) Oh and if I had a dollar every time someone said “”Oh your hands must be full!”, I would be rather well off.
katef says
Oh I used to get that question all the time… “Are they natural?”
One day I was over it so replied… “Well they used to be, but we had them dipped in plastic so they are easier to clean.” and walked away… felt SO GOOD!
Wrote this post addressing some of the other twin questions we get asked a lot, bet you have something to add!
https://picklebums.com/2011/11/11/thing-i-know-about-twins/
Caitlin says
Love that response Kate! I should try it next time someone asks if my triplets are natural. Normally I say, “Yes. They aren’t robots.”
Jen says
A mum of 5 from my kids’ school says “oh we’re going to keep trying until we get one that we like”. She reckons that shuts them up pretty quickly. I only have boys so I get all the comments about how I must be desperate for a girl. I don’t really mind but it is a bit insensitive towards my boys who are usually listening. I think sometimes people just like to say something and fall back on the most cliched remark that pops into their heads. Once I was in a supermarket with my oldest (then 3) who was behaving (I thought) pretty normally and an old lady came up to me and said very nicely “Don’t worry dear, one of my boys was just like yours when he was little and I just want you to know that he’s all grown up now and completely fine” To this day I have no idea what she meant!!!
leah says
If the choices are small or large, four is probably large Four is L and then we look to the Duggars for 5XL LOL
3 is M, 2 is S and 1 is XS. Take note everyone, it has been decided! LOL
katef says
And now you need to market a line of size stickers for the backs of cars and make a fortune! LOL
leah says
hahaha yeah with washing instructions … i’ll use your dipped in plastic line!!! LOL
Alli says
Hi! I’m a newbie at your blog – it’s great. I had to laugh as I read your post. I’m a mummy of two (and no more planned) but you SERIOUSLY need to move to the country! With only two kids we are SO in the minority here. Three is the norm, four is about average, there are several of my friends with 5’s and 6’s and then there are more than a handful who are in the 10+ category. Why? Who knows. Perhaps it is because life is (often) a little less stressful (we don’t live off the land, just benefit from the small community and relaxed pace of life), and people have kids because they can. The thought that people feel free to comment on your family and life choices baffles me. Whether that is something that they think (fair enough) but to voice it? Get over it. Comment on something that matters and that you actually get to have an opinion on.
Alli says
Oooops! I commented and hadn’t read your “about” or any other posts – you DO live in the “country” (or at least on the same amount of land that we do) and you STILL cop these comments about your family. My mistake – I apologise.
katef says
You know I thought people didn’t look at us sideways when we are all out in our little town because they know us… but maybe there is something to your country theory…. :)
Vanessa Smolders says
As soon as you are pregnant people feel they suddenly have a vested interest in your offspring… I remember being pregnant at work and a older male colleague questioning whether I should be drinking coffee!
Nicole Harry says
I don’t think its big. And even if I did I wouldn’t tell you! Some people are so rude. My nan is one of 14. They had to eat dinner in shifts and share beds. 14 is a lot of kids.
katef says
yeah… 14 kids…. I’d go out on a limb and call that big too LOL
Nichole says
I agree with Vanessa – as soon as I was pregnant with number three people had an opinion about seemingly everything. Overwhelmingly, they thought I was having a boy after having two girls. I even had someone ask if I would have another child if it was a girl… before number three was even born!!! Three was our number and I am happy to have three healthy, mostly happy, girls.
We now live in a country area where the family ticket to the local show is for 2 adults/3 kids so we are very much average size.
Surprisingly, Centrelink considers us a large family at 3 kids.
Melissa says
I can’t go anywhere with my three boys without somebody saying “you’ve got your hands full”. I get it constantly and I too always wonder what is it that compels people to pass comment. But then almost as often I get “so, are you going to try for a girl??”
cate says
I have 4 girls so I always get the “you’ve got your hands full” followed by “so, are you trying for a boy” (I’d like to say “yes actually, I’m off to have sex with my husband right now!” , but never would) then I get “oh, your poor husband” as if living with all us girls is such a burden.
katef says
I have a friend with three girls and she always cops those stupid comments… and you know what, no one ever tells me how damn clever I was for having two of each!!
Jenny B says
i just cannot believe how rude and stupid some people are. If they feel they have the right to comment at all they should have offered you a coffee or cocktail to say thank you and congratulations for taking care and time to create 4 great citizens who are all beautiful, bright and funny UP THEIRS!!! I am furious and am amazed you don’t respond but such ignorance is best ignored Thanks for lovely photos
katef says
Can you believe I actually got all four kids in the same place at the same time and even sort of all smiling at the camera????
Becky says
Four is certainly not large. I am one of four and now have three of my own. I would love another to make it four. When I go out I get comments, too about having my hands full and being busy, especially if they ask about their ages.
I think it’s so rude that people think they have a right to comment on someone else’s family, especially with those stupid things about TVs and so on. I wish I had some witty comebacks to share, but I don’t.
Also, gorgeous photos!
maryanne @ mama smiles says
I got so many comments like this when I was expecting my third – plus the astonishingly common “But you already have a girl and a boy, why would you have more?”
So I’ve been surprised that people seem to embrace the fourth child – including my husband’s family, who had a hard time with the third. I guess I’ve been lucky, so far, at least. Of course, the baby isn’t born yet :)
You have a gorgeous family!