I don’t go to the big shopping centres often any more, and even less often do I go with all four kids in tow. But it is school holidays and we are meeting Dad at the cinema so the big kids can go see Ice Age 4. It only takes us about five minutes to wind our way from the car park, through the crowds, down two levels to the cinema, but in that time 5 different people have commented on my family.
“Are they all yours?”
“Don’t you know what causes it?”
“Don’t you have a TV?”
“You have too many children love!”
At least the last idiot called me ‘love’, you know… to soften the blow of a random stranger poking their nose into my business.
For the record…
Yes – they are all my children, all four of them.
We have a fairly good idea of what ’causes it’ and happen to think we are actually quite good at it.
And yes, we have a TV, two in fact, thanks for being so concerned about my media habits.
I don’t understand why people think it is ok to pass comment on a strangers family, sexual habits, or number of children.
It’s not like my kids were being badly behaved, taking up lots of space, or even being loud, they were walking quietly through the shopping centre minding their own business. If only the rest of the people there would mind their own business too, then I would have no issue.
But apart from that… since when is four kids such a HUGE family?
Since when did four kids become something so strange? Since when is four kids a ‘large family’?
I know plenty of families who have four or more kids, and plenty who have less, and plenty who have none. They are all valid choices, there is no one perfect family size. I don’t feel the need to pass comment on them, nor do I feel that our four kids somehow make us ‘out of the ordinary’.
Sure our house might be a little noisier, or crazier, or busier than if we’d stopped at two kids, but it’s not so very different from any other family, really it’s not. We don’t feel different, or special, or insane (well no more insane than I would have been with or without four kids).
Perhaps I am overly sensitive but I see people’s eyes widen a little when I say I have four kids. And then there are the comments like the ones above, or the slightly more polite versions such as…
“You’ve got your hands full” (not so much now they can all walk) or “Wow! That’s a lot of kids!” or “Tell me you aren’t having any more… ha ha”
It’s those comments that make me want to say “You think four is a lot?? We have 18 more at home….”
So tell me? Do I live in la la land? Does four kids really make ours a ‘large family’ and something out of the ordinary?
Oh and have you got any great come back lines for random nosy strangers?
Debs says
Some people clearly have nothing better to do or say. Totally agree with the fact though that if you have kids it’s like wearing a sign that says, come up and randomly talk to me. Never did before I had kids. I only have 2 and we are still talked to a lot! And, when you have only 2 kids people are then always asking you when/if you’re having another. And we’re done, and I don’t know that I need to tell everyone that but strangers always ask. So, maybe having 4 kids isn’t really that big a family (although I still take my hat off to you), but it’s just that randoms often like to stick their nose and comment or question where it’s not wanted or needed ;)
katef says
I get asked if we will have more often too…
I used to just say maybe and walk away, but depending on who it is sometimes I launch into the whole story of my husband’s heart condition and whether I want to be a widow with five kids or just four blah blah… a little overly melodramatic but it tends to shut people up pretty quick!
The size of your family is such a personal thing… I would never dare ask anyone I didn’t know well about it!
Rakster says
“we’re trying to start a new political party” is one that we use in my family..
secret mom thoughts says
People can be so rude. 4 kids in a family may be bigger than most families but there is nothing wrong with that choice.
Denyse Whelan Education Specialist says
I hate the way these days it seems more people decided they can be RUDE. It doesn’t matter, it’s inappropriate to comment on personal appearance, gender, skin hue….yet, more people see to make it their business.
Kate it used to be that we ( parents) thought you’d stop at whichever number of kids you reckoned you could manage…but life is not that simple. I had one chid very easily, then a 7.5 year gap before number2. We stopped at 2 as I knew I would have to work full-time.
Now, more families are having 3, and so on.
To be keeping it real…it’s Australia, and we still have freedom of choice – your family is such a beautiful one. I love how you write about your kids from the ‘bad’ days to the best! They are great!
Denyse xx
ClaireyH says
I am surprised you get so many comments, 4 is just standard really.
And in response to have you got a tv, I think seven cherubs had the best response when she once replied, “yes, have you got any manners!”
Heather says
I grew up in a family of 4 children. I’m 31 and I remember people commenting on how we had a big family, 20 years ago! I think because of the way things have changed, perception of money, having career before family, and many other factors that have transformed our society, has affected how many children families have on average. It seems like more than 2 these days gets a comment from someone. I’ve heard people say things like, “I would’t want to be outnumbered!” It’s almost a mentality of us vs. them. I loved having 3 other siblings, and I wouldn’t mind having 4 of my own, but we currently have 2 children and we are still figuring out if 3 is for us or not. We feel that if we put at least 2 people out into the world to take our place when we die to carry on our contributions and good deeds to society, then we’ve done our part!
Sara says
It really depends where you live and who you hang out with. In my circles, four is quite large, but that’s still no excuse for rude remarks.
Megan says
some snappy comebacks:
For “You DO realize what causes that, don’t you?”
-“No, but can you tell me?”
– “Love.”
“Boy you have your hands full!”
-“No, I have more hands helping me with the groceries/packages/parcels/housework.”
-“Actually, they all walk on their own.”
“Are they all yours?”
-“I share with my husband.”
-“Why, do you want one?”
-“There’s no limit on them. Figured we’d stock up.”
“You have too many children!”
-“they’re my retirement plan.”
– “I believe you have too few children.”
-“It’s the amount the Good Lord gave us. Are you going to question his blessings?” (I am not a religious person, but I find when you start invoking religion, people back off quickly.)
-“Well, you know, like Monty Python said, ‘Every sperm is sacred.”
Suzanna says
Is four large? Personally, I think it’s all relative to a person’s perspective.
In today’s society, with the availability of birth control and such, I know a number of families who have decided that one is enough. On the flip side, with the advances with IVF and other methods of helping women conceive (and even have multiples), I also know a number of families that have 3-5 children (often with a set of multiples in the mix). I think a person’s own tenancies to think of their own family size as “normal” leads to whether they think 4 is a large family or not.
However, in my mom’s generation (she’s 70 BTW), I think the norm was more 3+ kids per family. So I would expect that any grandmother’s who pass you would be more likely to think/say something like “you have a beautiful family”.
What are the general ages of the strangers who are telling you 4 is a lot?
mag says
it’s strange that people, strangers have the boldness to stop you and ask you this kind of thing !
in France, even if, since 3 children it is considered as large family. a lot of families has more, like 4 or 5 children (my neighbour have 4 kids) and it’s considered as rude to look insistently a family like yours and moreover to ask some silly questions
I confess I would love to know how a dad would manage (with his wife) a family of 4 or 5 little girls, living in a pinky house :) or how a little girl would grow with 4 big brothers but I won’t ask to a stranger in the street :)
Tamara says
I am one of four and I’m sure people made the same kind of remarks when I was a kid.
I wish I was as brave as you – try to take these comments as admiration – sharing your kids should be one of the best bits – shopping centers are now one of the only places that the village connects.
As a Mum you’re never without company – but so many people spend most of the day alone – your gorgeous family is seen as an invitation to connect – I wonder if it will change when Noah is school aged.
Feel proud – take the comments as compliments – the obvious love your kids have for each other is such a testament to the home you have built – Some might be rude but other people just want to be a part of that joy and don’t know how to join – assuming the best admonishes the meanies and may well be the highlight of the day for someone who misses the bit where they too were surrounded by kids.
Kazzie says
Blimey! how rude!
No, I don’t consider 4 in the large family category … My sister has 5 and I’ve always wanted 6 but ended up with 3, due to several reasons.
Don’t mind other people’s rude comments … I always like to think they’re jealous! :)
Your children are beautiful … cherish them. :)
Megan says
Oh the comments! I’m feeling particularly sensitive about random strangers’ comments of late.
Before I was pregnant this time around people would randomly say, ‘You have to give your daughter a sibling’ (really? I HAVE to?) or worse – ask her if she’d like a brother or sister (go away, people!).
I really don’t mind people asking if I’d like to have more children or whatever else they’re curious about my life, but it’s all in the tone – and preferably not just randoms in the street.
Michelle S says
A friend of mine has 5 children, her response to people’s comments ‘Yes we do have a TV but my husband is just so good in bed I can’t resist!!’ lol! Give that a go next time somebody gives you their two bobs worth! :-)
kebeni says
well you see I have the ‘pigeon pair’ and “aren’t I glad I got one of each” so don’t know what you are on about LOL
People need to pull their heads in a little more often I think. It is funny because I know tons of people who have 4+ and all get the same rude comments.
dottycookie says
I think four children probably would qualify as large here -but I grew up as one of four and it never did us any harm! As long as you’re all happy and healthy and able to provide for them – which you clearly do – then I think it is absolutely nobody else’s business. And to comment on it is just astonishingy rude.
bek says
I giggled and then had to share your comment about being good at “it” with the hubby XD
Yeh 3 is considered a “large” family these days. The area I’m in (must be full of bogans), unless the family is quite young (oldest at 5 say) the average number of kids seems to be 4. My neighbour down the road has 5 (and when they come round to play it’s chaos and confusion :). Among the homeschoolers I know it seems to be 3 and a bit (perhaps pulled up slightly by the person with 9).
I get “you have your hands full” and “are they your younger siblings” or “are you babysitting?” more often than “are they all yours”. Maybe you need to practise the “you’re an idiot” look more ;)
Karla says
I’m one of five kids, which I always thought was a decent-sized (but not large) family. When I had my second child, a boy, people kept telling me I could stop having kids because I had one of each. Since when is that the goal? We’re adding #3 in February; just wait until people find out!
My sister-in-law has six boys and will probably keep on going. I have twin cousins, each of whom have at least nine kids (I’ve lost count!).
I’m not good with comebacks, but I love some of the ones that readers shared!
Lightening says
4 is pretty common around here. Now that we’re having a 4th it feels like we’ve “joined the club”. :-)
Allison says
Hooray for another family of four! I too (especially because I have four BOYS six and under) get tons of comments. Yes, I had them on purpose. Yes, we’d like more. Yes, they’re all boys. No, we weren’t “just trying for a girl again”. Sigh. Four isn’t that big. I think it’s normal. One or two is just small. Heck even three is kind of small. :) Your kids are adorable…i just stumbled onto your blog while looking for fun things to do with my boys this summer. Thanks for the ideas!