For Parents of Kids who Struggle with Mental Health.
‘Ten Ways to Raise a Happier Child.’
‘The One Thing you can do to Anxiety Proof Your Child.’
‘How to Raise a Mentally Strong Child.’
The titles of these articles ring in my head.
I know I shouldn’t click, I know it will push my buttons. But I do it anyway.
I click and I read yet another article telling me the one (or ten) thing I should do to make sure my child is happy, resilient confident, and not anxious.
I read the first paragraph and skim the rest, not sure if I want to scream in frustration or cry.
The thing is, these articles are full of sound parenting advice.
Connect with your kids, challenge them, encourage intrinsic motivation. I agree with it all. It’s all good, it’s all important. I’m so glad there are so many wise people out there sharing this information, even I share this kind of advice sometimes.
But still I sit here, the screen going blurry, as tears fill my eyes.
It is good parenting advice, but for some kids, no amount of good parenting can make them happy, can magic them into being ‘mentally strong’, can ‘anxiety proof’ them.
Some kids struggle with mental health issues that even the best parenting in the world can’t fix.
My child struggles with mental health issues that I can not parent away.
Oh how I wish tackling the crippling anxiety, and the dark depression was as easy as changing the way we parent, or ticking off ten things on a list.
All those things help, but for some kids, it’s just not as simple as that.
So for all the parents out there who have a child who is struggling everyday with mental health issues that are beyond their control…
For all the parents who try so hard to do all the right things but still can’t find a way out of the darkness…
For all the parents who would give anything to make it better…
For all the parents who can’t help but click on those articles in the hope that maybe, just maybe, they will include an idea that we haven’t tried yet…
For all those parents who sit staring at the screen with tears in their eyes, telling themselves over and over ‘it’s not your fault, it’s not something you did or didn’t do’ but never quite believing it…
For all of us…
You are not a bad parent, you didn’t cause this, and you are not alone.
Keep reading articles, keep trying new things, keep juggling appointments, keep hoping, and keep going as best you can. You are doing a great job, and you are helping your child more than you ever give yourself credit for.
Do you have kids who struggle with mental health issues?
I have a child who struggles with anxiety and depression (and a few other associated issues).
When we first fell into this deep dark hole I felt like it would never get better, I felt like a total failure as a parent, and I felt so alone.
Because you can’t see mental health struggles, and because, by their very nature, they are often difficult for sufferers to talk about, they can be so hidden and isolating. But after a while, and with my child’s permission, I started talking more about our struggles with childhood mental health, and I soon realised that we were not alone. So many people reached to us and it was so powerful just to know we were ‘not the only ones’.
And so I am returning that favour. If you have a child who struggles with mental health issues I want you to know you are not alone.
Here are a few other things I’ve written about childhood mental health:
Please feel free to leave a comment, or send an email. I don’t have any answers, but I can certainly remind you that you are not alone.
So reassuring to read, there are really hard days when we support our kids just as best we can. Knowing you are not alone is a huge help! We have done some occupational therapy this year which has been a good support, but we still have ‘those days’ just fewer and maybe less intense.
Congratulations for being brave enough to talk about it. We all need to talk about mental health more as it helps. It helps everyone and hopefully one day it will change the way we view, understand, treat and support those who experience it and those who love and support them. We always know someone who has a connection to it, we just have to talk about it to find them, so everyone be brave and talk about mental health because Kate you are spot on…………..not matter how lonely you feel, you are not alone. So even when it is hard and scary (and it will be) please listen to the words of a person who is brave enough to share there experience and share yours with someone to. It might just make a difference to one person and that counts. Thanks Kate.
Talking about it is kind of a double edged sword when a big thing we struggle with is social anxiety, which makes talking about having social anxiety really difficult. But it really does help to know that we are not alone, and to have friends who I know understand and who will love us no matter what. :)
Very courageous Kate. Wish I had some answers for you but I don’t, just keep loving your children, one of ours was very difficult & has come out the other side, but it was a hard struggle!!! Be strong, there is light at the end of the tunnel. I am now a Grandparent & seeing family struggles with a new generation!!! Stay who you are, strong isn’t always possible! Just keep loving!
You know it’s funny… I’ve read a lot of articles about kids with mental health struggles, and one of the few that really made a huge difference gave exactly that advice. What can we do when don’t know what else to do? Just love our kids, and keep on loving them, no matter what :)
Thank you so much for this. I have identical twin daughters who are twelve years old, and one of them was recently diagnosed with panic attacks and fairly severe anxiety. It has been so hard, and this was just what I needed to read this morning. If you have any specific resources or suggestions, I would love to hear about them. We are just getting started, and it can feel so overwhelming.
It really does feel overwhelming in the beginning… actually it still feels overwhelming for us sometimes and we are a few years into it all. The only suggestion I really have is to find a psychologist that works for you and your child, and a school that will work with you all as well. And to talk to others who can relate if you can, having someone to talk to who really did understand makes such a huge difference for me! Much love and strength to you.
Our daughter has been struggling with depression, anxiety for about 3 years – for all of high school. She and I are struggling with watching her friends enjoy their senior year and college acceptances, etc while she hasn’t been able to participate in this. We live on edge that she’ll need help when she has a panic attack in the middle of the night. She does take her medications, but refuses to get therapy – “nothing will change” My own therapist talked today about her grief for what she has lost – and there is also our own grief for what she has lost and missed out on. others don’t understand.
Same thing happening with us … so we understand… but it doesnt feel like anyone else does.
I just keep loving my kid no matter what and sharing the grief with sympathetic friends. The grief for what might have been, the lost time, lost friendships and the difficult path ahead.
I keep calm and keep hoping. X
Kate, I wanted to thank you for sharing your experience. I’ve been worried about my daughter lately and sound myself in that same situation of clicking on articles that provide parenting advice. It’s comforting to know I’m not the only one. I’ve had a friend mention to me that therapy dolls can be helpful for your kids.
I am sitting here having an anxiety attack of my own because I feel like someone has finally put into words exactly that I am feeling today. I would love to share this so that people can understand, but it’s not my story to share. She’s a teen now and it would be a betrayal. But I want to scream “Please understand us!”.
I am currently on 3 meal trains for people that are suffering from loss and cancer. Yet here I sit in a hole after my daughter spent a week in the hospital and I can’t tell most people.
Thanks for the support.
Much love to you Victoria.
I was thinking similar thoughts this morning… that if my child had a physical illness it wouldn’t be so hard to get treatment or help, but instead I am feeling like we are desperately asking for help, but not getting any.
Thank you for sharing this article again. It provides so much reassurance. I have 2 children, both struggle with anxiety and have, at times, expressed very dark thoughts, despair and hopelessness. I also read all the articles, wondering if there is something that we’ve missed that will make ‘the difference’. With tears, always tears.
Sending love and strength to you
Sending that love and strength right back to you too.