“He’s two right?”
“Yes” I reply… “he was two in June.”
“Oh is he toilet trained yet?”
“No, I don’t think he’s ready yet.”
I had hoped the conversation would end there. After all, toilet training is the ‘do they sleep through the night’ of toddler-hood and since my toddler was obviously lacking in that area I assumed this conversation with the ‘nice-mum-of-a-similar-aged-child’ in the park would end right there, but it didn’t…
“Oh you need to do a sticker chart! Make a reward chart and every time he wees on the potty he gets a sticker, and then when he’s wee-ed ten times he gets a lolly! That’ll have him toilet trained in no time!”.
“Oh he’s not all that fond of lollies…” I muttered as the toddler in question pipped in with “Yolly? I have a yolly?”
“Oh then just use something else. He’s just manipulating you. He just needs a good shove to pee on the potty and you just have to find the right thing to motivate him. What about trains? Mine loves trains…”
I wonder if she saw the look on my face as I frantically tried to work out how to be polite, but not agree. I ended up lying…
“oh look the swings are free, lets hurry over because I know you really wanted a swing today…” and suddenly we had to rush off to the other end of the park…
You see the thing is, reward charts have never graced the walls of our home.
Not during the years and tears of helping the girls use the toilet, not when Izzy decided biting her sister was the best way to vent her frustrations, not when the big boy transitioned to his own bed and learned to go to sleep on his own, and not now that the toddler is magically two but still uninterested in the toilet.
Reward charts are not for us.
Why not? Well… lets see, what would I have said to that Mum in the park if it had been appropriate…
We choose not to motivate our kids using external and unrelated reward systems like sticker charts for a few reasons.
Reward charts tend to look at one tiny facet of behavior, and not look at the child or the situation as a whole. They assume that the child simply chooses to behave in one particular way and is able to change their behavior at the drop of a hat simply because they will get a reward. But behavior doesn’t occur in a vacuum.
Almost always a child’s behavior is more than just what you see on the outside. It is more than just not wanting to go to the toilet, or not wanting to go to bed, and it is almost always not something they can simply turn on and off at will. Looking at the picture as a whole, thinking about why my child is behaving in this way, always works better for us than unrelated bribes or rewards. What is my child’s behavior trying to tell me? What need is not being met? What things can I change to guide them to more appropriate behavior? How can I support my child through this challenge?
When it comes to toilet training and reward charts the assumption is that the child is actually able to feel when they need to go to the toilet and control it, that it is a simple choice… that the child merely needs a ‘shove’ to ‘get over’ whatever is bothering them about using the toilet and they’ll be fine. I know from experience that is not always the case.
Had I used a reward chart for my girls when they were toilet training I would have been setting them up to fail. They simply were not physically ready for a long time, and dangling stickers or lollies in front of them wouldn’t have changed that fact. A reward chart would have become a punishment for something they had no control over and set us up for more anxiety and upset that we were already dealing with. Even with a normally developing child… even as an adult… can you pee or poop on demand?
I also don’t like to use reward charts because I feel it teaches my kids that the only things worth doing are those that get them some kind of reward.
I would rather my children learn how good it feels to accomplish something they have worked hard at, rather than how good it feels to get a sticker. I would rather my children learn how good it makes them feel when they do something for someone else, when they are kind, when they are helpful, rather than how good it feels to get a lolly. I would rather my children experience internal reward and pride, rather than rewards controlled by someone else.
Plus I am a lazy parent. I really don’t want to set my kids to up to always ask for a sticker or a lolly every time they do something good, that’s too hard for me.
I want to build my kid’s understanding and skills and intrinsic motivation so that in the long run they know what is right and wrong, and hopefully, behave accordingly. I want them to be able to listen to their bodies and know when they need to go to bed, or pee, or eat, rather than waiting for a reward to be dangled in front of their faces. Until then I will help them, remind them, support them, encourage them, show them, model for them, talk to them, and love them.
And lets not get me started on using food as rewards… because in my opinion food should never be a bribe or reward.
I am not saying that reward charts are evil incarnate. I think there may be some children and certain behavioral issues where a reward chart works wonders… but for our kids and when it comes to things like toilet training a two year old… reward charts are not for us.
So there you have it… that is what I would have said to that well meaning mum in the park… Except that it just isn’t appropriate to lecture someone you don’t know, just because their parenting ideas differ to yours…
That’s what a blog is for ;)
What about you? Do you reward charts work for you and your kids?
Nichole says
Loved your post Kate and agreed with everything except the bit where you describe yourself as a lazy parent! I find that hard to imagine ;) Gotta love advice from well-meaning strangers – at least you can walk to the other end of the playground… now advice from well-meaning mother-in-laws, how to deal with that quite as gracefully?
Mrs G says
At the end of the day it’s about knowing your child, getting their cue and being prepared to stay at home for a good while in the early days. you have to give them a chance to feel secure in the fact they can do it before adding the next step of using toilets away from home. I work in a nursery and understand that it’s maybe difficult for some to do this but too often see parents bring a child in wearing pants on monday morning announcing that they are toilet training. A disaster and upsetting time if its a parent decision not a child’s.
We offer advice but……! As for sticker charts, it all depends on how they are implemented and maintained, children can misunderstand the message and parents can turn it into a negative thing. My own kids never needed them I talked to them!!
Paige says
Thanks for this post Kate. I needed to read that someone else is currently mother to a 2 year old (2.5 in my case) who is just not showing signs of being ready for the transition to a potty in the immediate future. We are planning a gentle approach, with loads of nappy-free time in the backyard this summer. We also won’t use stickers or rewards in our house. My main reason (also one of yours) is that I believe children need to do things for their own internal reasons, rather than for external rewards. I’m prepared to take the long, slow route to potty use, even if it means I still have another 6-12 months of washing nappies ahead of me :)
Seana Smith says
Hello, I’m with you on the toilet training, it’s a physical thing and all kids are different. We do use token charts and stickers and so on here. But I do also believe in looking at the whole context in terms of behaviour. It’s communication in its own way. Hah, in the holidays and in deep desperation and exhaustion after solo parenting for 4 weeks I begged Mr6 to let me sleep in until 7am, to look after himself. He did and was taken straight to the shops to buy a lolly, both of us in our pyjamas. Was appalled at myself, but so relieved to sleep until 7. Deeply imperfect mothering going on here at Smith Towers!
jen kehl says
LOL! I remember having this conversation with Isaiah’s Occupational therapist. We were trying to get him to do sensory things. Finger painting, putting his hands in a box of beans, not taking all his clothes off to use the potty! She said, let’s do a chart, everytime he does one of these things he’ll get a gold coin sticker. I said “I don’t think that’s going to work, he doesn’t really care about that stuff” well she was the professional and assured me that it would work. When they came out of that session, she had a rather pruney face on. Isaiah was laughing. I said “So how was your session, he said fun, but she tried to give me stickers, I said, no thanks.” She said, we’re going to have to find something more to motivate him, he wouldn’t do anything, how about candy? I told her that it just wasn’t going to work, and it wasn’t something we did at home. She felt we should think about. I changed therapists :-)
Cybele @ BlahBlah says
Yay! Thank you for articulating what has been sloshing around in my brain for a while now. It’s funny because my boy is pretty much the same age. He can talk about toilets until the cows come home, but use one? Nope.
However, I have preschool looming on the horizon ie, next jan (it’s a long story but we decided to put him in one from three because we thought it would be better than moving him from daycare to preschool to school all in the space of three years, but now I’m not so sure. In the meantime, I have my fingers crossed that he might decide the time is right before then and I have to keep reminding myself it’s not a big deal. Thanks again for sharing x
Hannah says
I completely agree with your reasoning Kate. My husband was keen to try a sticker chart a while ago and I agreed to it as long as it was more of a check list than a reward system. Miss 3 put stickers on the check list herself once she had completed daily tasks like brushing her teeth and folding face washers. She kept it up for about a week. I didn’t really find it to be necessary though as she is pretty self motivated to be helpful at this stage. We’ll see how we go in the future and I might change my mind :)
Kirsten says
I’ve used reward charts in the past for my now 4 and 8 year old girls. They worked at the time and a great motivator but it didn’t “fix” the behaviour like stop sucking your thumb or not saying shut up. A few months down the track they were back to their old habits and asking if I would do another reward chart for them!! I don’t use them now.
Jen says
I don’t like the idea of reward charts for all the reasons you mention (especially the hassle!) but parenting can be hard and if they make parents’ lives a bit easier (even in the short term) I understand. I do think though in the case of ‘toilet training’ they are more about giving the parent a sense (usually false) of control over the process than about the actual outcome. Most kids want to be independent in going to the toilet when they are physically able to and just need a bit of encouragement (in my experience). The whole big deal about ‘toilet training’ and the parental angst and complicated strategies etc (in my opinion) stems from the days of old-style cloth nappies and no washine machines/dryers when mothers really needed to get kids out of nappies as early as possible. But these days, for most kids, it shouldn’t really be much of an issue at all.
Triple T Mum says
Kate I feel exactly the same! I have used them in the classroom with students and I have learnt that for most children they are ineffective because they just don’t address the developmental skill level of the child. Sometimes all a kid needs is more time! I do not want to use them with my children and I will explore other options before I’ll ever use reward charts. Besides that there’s the whole training of animals issue that this method is derived from! Great post! I am sharing this on my FB page and pinning. Thanks.
Martine@themodernparent says
Love it Kate, reward charts are not something that have worked for us but I know for others they have worked wonders. Like many things parenting…..whatever works for you x
Olivia says
I totally agree with you on rewards and trying to foster intrinsic motivation with the absence of punishment or reward- What your post raises for me is the interesting question of… how do you respond when parenting in public in a way that leaves you feeling neither (a) trampled on or (b) like you’ve been aggressive/lecturing? Sigh.
Lee says
I am not a fan of reward charts either, but last year I caved and did one for cooperative behaviour as we were going through a particularly non cooperative time. I don’t really think it worked. If anything it was a reminder to me to thank Miss A when she was cooperative, and to actually notice. I don’t think I will use them again.
Karen says
I have used reward charts, more with child 1 than 2, even less with child 3 and not at all with number 4. I think it helped but only as a supplement to other methods, as for toilet training at 2, I say mums should stress less. Later I went the other way when my kids were around 7 – 13 years I made a consequences chart, forget about rewards for good behaviour, I tried a consequence one for bad. like a clock made up with a list of jobs to do around the house with a spinner in the middle to spin when the said rules were broken. I had a very clean house on the first day, worked a charm, it got the kids thinking about how to behave thoughtfully. Having said that it lasted for the weeks we needed it and then tossed it aside because the lessons were over and we moved on naturally. I think it is good to use creative ideas, but drop it if it stresses the kids and give other mothers a break, every child is different.
Michele says
The one thing I totally agree with is that what works for one family might not work for another. I am a supporter of reward charts for kids. They are probably most effective after the potty training age.
@Matt_Gomez says
I have ditched rewards in my class, you can read about my journey here. http://mattbgomez.com/reward-free-year/ I don’t think rewards are necessary, they work and are often easier but not necessary.
The Monko says
I’m with you, reward charts are not for us. I won’t say never because who knows what may come up where actually a random sticker may be appropriate and effective but at the moment I can’t think of any anything.
Stickers to pee could have the perverse effect of getting a child to pee too often rather than control their bladder.
I’m featuring your post on this weeks Sunday Parenting Party and pinning to our board, Thanks for sharing
Gina Lukas says
I totally see your points…but as a behavior specialist. There are instances when behavior charts can be VERY helpful if used with a few things in mind…The chart should be highlighted/or prompted before the target behavior is engaged in otherwise. You would be bribing the child that is the difference between reward and bribe. For example, before we go into the store and I say “If you guys are great helpers in the store then we you can have a treat” would promote a reward…But if I was in the store and they started engaging in “inappropriate” behaviors then said “If you guys behave then you can have a treat’ would be a bribe cause they are already engaging in the target behavior. Also, often the mistake is made of not fading the reward during the teaching process. When you are teaching a new skill on acquisition then it is ideal to reinforcer with a highly preferred reward. As the skill is mastered then the reward should change to social praise, etc…Many times if the reward is not faded then you can shape the child’s behavior to depend on rewards instead of being intrinsically motivated.
Jae says
Great to hear the other side of argument.
I won’t got as far as to say never, but there is definitely a time and a place for sticker charts and success depends on individuals involved. I’m with you on not using them for potty training, largely because kids just don’t have the capacity to understand even simple reward systems much before they are 3 and potty training (when you don’t take the much easier and, I think, kinder approach of waiting until they initiate the process) often occurs before then.
Used with imagination and consideration, I do think that they can be really effective when you are trying to teach pre-schoolers a new and really important skill, like not scratching their eczema or drinking enough. But even then, charts have to be used with the input and co-operation of the kids involved. From the child’s point of view, the stickers should be largely incidental to big hugs and praise that go with getting them. The stickers should act as measure of how much praise they have received and an excuse for even more praise when they get the big prize (or whatever it is) at the end of the day, rather than a prize in themselves. Sticker charts also have to be dynamic so the new behaviour become the new norm. As kids get the hang of the new skill, you need to extend the challenge to get each sticker and then fade the chart out of the picture all together.
Personally, in my hectic life, I find them a great way to remind the adults involved to recognise and praise the kids’ little victories as they happen.
And let’s face it – why do you go to work each day? Would that be to get a pay packet at the end of each month? Isn’t that a reward? Not quite the same I know, but getting through life is often about earning rewards through required behaviours.