What to do When Kids Bite.
Biting is a common behaviour for toddlers and some preschoolers, but it can sometimes be hard to manage, and it can make you feel like the worst parent in the world. So what can you do about your toddler biting?
First we’ll find out why children bite, and then share a few tips to reduce, and hopefully eliminate biting.
My big boy comes rushing in clutching his cheek and wailing. I know what has happened before he even takes his hand away, the toddler has bitten him.
There are deep purple marks where his sharp little teeth have punctured the flesh on his brother’s cheek, and no amount of ice is going to hide the fact that my toddler bites.
I am so glad that it is his brother the toddler has bitten and not someone else’s child, but I’m also filled with shame. I am a terrible parent, I can’t even stop my toddler biting his own brother. No one will be playing with my toddler at playgroup, or inviting him to a birthday party, no one wants a biter around!
Children who bite.
Even though I know that it is very common for toddlers to bite, and that it often happens suddenly and without warning, and I know it’s not an indication of good or bad parenting, I also know there is still a stigma around having a child who bites.
Biting can be such an emotional issue for both the parent of the child who is bitten, as well as those of the child who bites. Perhaps it’s because biting can leave such huge and obvious marks, or because it hurts, or maybe because for some reason biting another person is somewhat taboo.
But while biting may seem like an extreme and violent behaviour to adults, for a young child, biting is very similar to hitting or lashing out in other ways. Trying to keep our reactions in proportion is the first thing we need to do, and then we can put in place some strategies for what to do when kids bite.
Why do kids bite?
Children bite for many reasons –
- stress and anxiety
- frustration and anger
- feeling overwhelmed or out of control
- lacking language skills – this may be because they young or they have a language delay
- seeking attention (attention seeking behaviour is not always a bad thing!)
- they are teething (This information on teething patterns in babies may be helpful)
- seeking oral stimulation
- expressing love or strong emotions (sometimes children find it tricky to deal with intense emotions)
None of these reasons make biting ok, but figuring out why a child bites is the best way to deal with it.
It’s not always easy to work out why your child is biting, but if you look at the behaviour leading up to the bite, take into account the age and stage of the child, and think about any other bigger issues, these will all give you clues as to what triggered the biting behaviour.
You need to set aside your shock, shame or anger and try to look at the situation from your child’s point of view. What might they have been thinking or feeling right before the bite occurred?
In our family biting seemed to happen in two situations:
1)The boys would be playing well together, but then I’d hear a scream of pain and discover that there had been an argument and the toddler had bitten his older brother.
2)Or, sometimes it happened when the boys were mucking around playing rough and tumble and the toddler bites, seemingly ‘out of the blue’, without being provoked.
In the case of the argument, I think the toddler was biting his brother when he felt powerless, when he was frustrated and couldn’t make his feelings understood, and when he was overwhelmed by the situation. Noah wants a toy but his bigger, stronger, more articulate brother takes it away and won’t give it back no matter what he does. He feels powerless and angry and he lashes out by biting.
In the case of the rough and tumble play, I think it was either similar frustration when he couldn’t make his needs understood, or it was part of getting carried away with the game and giving in to the more animal-like side and sinking his teeth in just because it felt good.
I know that sounds a bit crazy, but think about it. When you are tense and frustrated, or when the adrenalin is pumping and you are over excited, do you sometimes feel like pumping the air, or throwing or kicking something to release that energy? Think about how good it might feel to sink your teeth into something nice and springy, yet firm, to release that tension?
What stops us adults (and older children) from biting some nice pink flesh is understanding there is a consequence to that action – someone will be hurt and I will feel bad and probably get in trouble. We are able to think about the consequences of our actions and stop ourselves before it happens, but young children are not able to think things through so clearly, or even understand that there will be consequences to their actions. They act on impulse and if it feels good to sink your teeth into something they do it, without thinking about what happens after that.
What to do to prevent children biting.
Once you have an idea why your child is biting you can work out a plan to change the behaviour.
- For children who are biting due to frustration or anger, you might need to be there, to step in before they bite, and give them an alternative way to express their frustration.
- For children who are biting because of the huge reaction it gets, you might need to give them the attention they crave in a positive way, and notice the signs of them needing attention and step in to fill their cup before the biting happens.
- For children who are biting because they are teething, or they need the release, or like the feeling of biting into something, you might need to step in before the biting happens and offer them something more appropriate to bite, such as a teething ring or a frozen face washer.
These are general suggestions, but you will get the best response by tailoring your actions to the needs to your individual child.
One thing you may notice about all these suggestions is that you need to be there. You need to step in before the biting happens, and help guide the child to a more appropriate behaviour. I know that takes a lot of time and effort, and I know it’s not always possible, but being there to step in before something happens is the best way to prevent most difficult behaviors in social situations, especially biting.
How to respond when your child bites.
The aim is to prevent biting from occurring in the first place, but sometimes that is not possible, so what do you do in the moment, when your child had bitten another child?
Your first step is make sure the person that was bitten is ok. Offer first aid, and comfort. Often saying something like ‘oh that hurts, I am so sorry you have been hurt’ is a good way to verbalise the situation for everyone involved.
One you know the hurt child is ok you can address the biter. Make sure your reaction is age appropriate – often a clear strong statement along the lines of ‘no biting, biting hurts, you hurt x’ is a good place to start. Then you might be able to address the situation, and offer the child an idea for how they could deal with a similar situation in the future. Eg. ‘I can see you didn’t want to share that toy, next time say ‘I’m using that, please give it back’ or come and ask me for help’.
Do you bite them back?
I am not in favour of the ‘bite them back’ theory.
In my opinion, biting a child when they bite sends the message that it is ok to bite, which is confusing when you’ve just told your child not to bite.
It also teaches them that it is ok for bigger, stronger, older people to hurt smaller, younger, weaker people and you are now modelling the exact behaviour you are trying to stop
A young child isn’t able to connect you biting them with anything they have done, they just feel hurt and confused and it is more likely to increase the biting rather than decrease it.
There are better ways to help a biter see how their behaviours have affected others.
The key to coping with biting for us has been to deal with the underlying cause, and to have a quick ‘positive first response‘.
How we coped with a biting toddler.
For my biting toddler the answer was to help him make his feelings understood when he was frustrated, and to help him find a better alternative to biting when he was feeling angry. That meant stepping in when we saw him getting frustrating and helping him manage the situation. Sometimes that meant saying the words for him – ‘I really want that toy, please give it back’ – sometimes that meant explaining why he couldn’t have what he wanted and helping him calm down or release the tension another way.
We also reminded him how to be gentle when those rough and tumble games started by saying “remember to be gentle with each other, no punching, kicking or biting”.
We also helped him to see what the consequences of biting are. When he bites we would say “that hurt Morgan really badly, he is really sad, biting really hurts”, or something similar. We don’t expect a two year old to really understand the consequences, or remember them when he is ‘in the moment’, but it is a step towards that for when he is more mature.
We also helped the bigger kids understand why Noey bites, so they could help us identify the situations and hopefully avoid a bite. They were able to understand the types of situations that might escalate and to know that if they came and asked we would always come and help.
Because the biting mostly only happened at home, we really just needed to wait for Noah to grow out of it. If we react with understanding, make sure we address the cause, and continue to connect with our biting toddler, he will grow out of it when he gains more verbal and social skills.
But I was also aware of the potential for him to bite in other situations. In those situations I made sure to keep an eye on him, looking out for situations we knew he might find frustrating and that could lead to him biting. It’s exhausting being a toddler’s shadow sometimes, but I knew this was the best way to stop him hurting others and to help him learn. I also knew it wouldn’t last forever.
What do you do when kids bite?
Do you have a biter? Don’t worry, you are not alone, and it will get better!
How have you been dealing with biting?
If you’re having a tough time as a parent right now, these posts might help:
Thanks Kate, this post was very timely for our family. I have a nearly 2 year old boy (only child) who seems to bite mostly out of frustration and sometimes when he is excited and playing with his Dad. He goes to daycare 2 days a week and often tries to bite the other kids which is somewhat embarrassing.
It’s reassuring that other children his age are doing the same thing and I know I need to make sure I respond in a calm manner(which I don’t always do!)
It can be so hard to respond calmly to a child lashing out, and biting seems to elicit such an emotional response doesn’t it!
For what it’s worth, it is really common for toddlers to bite. I worked in children’s services for ten years before I had my kids and met many children (of varying ages) who went through a biting phase. It can be much harder to cope with when they are biting someone else’s child but it will get better… promise!
Great post Kate. My 2yo prefers to spit than bite … less painful but not very socially appropriate. But plenty of your thinking and tips here still apply. Thank you!
Oh spitting is another behavior that elicits such a strong emotional response! It can be so hard not to associate the adult reasons for spitting (or biting) when a child does it, even though it is always so much more innocent!
My younger one doesn`t tend to bite but my older one does and he is almost 3. He scratches and bites his younger brother to the point where we actually have had to explain marks to those that ask {as sometimes they are on his face or over the summer on his arms}
For my Noah {the almost 3 yr old} he bites Shion because Shion does something he does not like. Either takes a toy, knocks something over or generally does something he shouldn`t be doing like climbing and my older son deals with it by biting or scratching.
Sometimes it is boredom. More often than not the biting happens when I am in the kitchen making lunch or cooking dinner and even though I can see the kids my Noah will push and bite Shion before I can even get out of the kitchen. Sometimes I don`t even see it coming.
Noah will scratch us too and sometimes bite. He went through this stage at 18 months and then again in the last 3 months. Hoping he passes it soon. Have tried showing him how to use words etc but the issue is that at almost 2 Shion is still not the best listener and Noah`s speech is not the clearest.
Hard not to react badly when Noah scratches or bites even if Shion was doing something he shouldn`t of like taking a toy etc. I first make sure Shion is okay and comfort him while telling Noah to sit where he is so that I can talk to him. Once Shion is calm and ready to play by himself again {doesn`t take long, usually less than a minute} I will talk to Noah about why he shouldn`t bite Shion and that even though Shion didn`t listen properly that biting is not okay and that he should ask for my help when he needs it or if Shion doesn`t understand.
Trying times but hoping it will pass!
bite marks get a huge reaction don’t they. My Noah bit his big brother on the face a while back and it looked horrific, and everyone asked him about it! It was horrible… so I really feel for you.
The frustration reason for biting can be hard when they are both really still learning about how to be social. Even at 3 your Noah probably still doesn’t have a clear understanding that Shion is a separate person, let alone that he may think differently or want different things.
My first daughter was a biter. Mostly her’s seemed to be love bites. When she was excited and hugging someone, suddenly she would bite. The advice I got given apart from all the stuff you said, about being age appropriate etc. Was to ask her to bite herself as hard as she had bitten me, so she could see that it hurt.
My 15 month old hit the terrible twos WAY early. Her first words “more, mine” and “no” I should’ve anticipated what I was in store for!
She’s the kid that doles out hugs & blows kisses, will stroke your forehead and say “geeeeeeenty” (gently) if you’re hurt or sad. She puts her finger to her lips and shooshes anyone who dares speak around a sleeping baby (real or plastic). At her teeny tiny age she has empathy and sympathy something far beyond her few months on this planet but…
she also has DAMN SHARP TEETH!
If she doesn’t think she’s getting enough attention – say if I’m reading the big girl a story, or if I’m writing something and don’t look away, any situation where I don’t stop immediately what I’m doing and pay attention to her increasing volume and insistence I get bitten, followed by a look of “NOW YOU SEE ME HUH?”
My thighs are bruised and battered as are my shoulders (her standing height and when I’m holding her). Thankfully her only victims so far have been immediate family – she reserves hitting for the friends and the general public.
And I’d LOVE to use a measured, grown up response but quite frankly I shout “F*ck&ing ouch oweeeeeeey relent you wee vampire sh%t that hurt, unclench your jaws it hurts owwwwwwwwwe”
Toby bites Nathan for similar reasons to those mentioned here with Noah and Morgan. I also suspect that Toby also got to the stage when he enjoyed the reaction to the bite! Besides telling Toby not to bite, we also helped Nathan recognise when it was likely for Toby to bite so that he could help himself not get bitten. We are at the end of the biting now, it doesn’t happen much any more, but it was a long, hard and frustrating journey to get here. :)
Hi Kate, excellent post.
When my children were younger they used to bite and do all sorts of things. It didn’t take long for them to grow out of it – THANKFULLY!
Oh how I wish I’d had this post about 10 months ago! My Moose went through a big biting phase. At school, it was usually precipitated by a toy argument with a friend (and he was as much biter than bitee). The one that slayed me, though, was how he would sink his teeth into me so I couldn’t leave him at school. It all ironed itself out when he moved up to the next class, bit it was so heartbreaking at the time (and frustrating, since we exhausted every separation anxiety technique to no avail).
Thank you Jess 64, my daughter bit me for the first time ever yesterday when we were having a cuddle. A love bite! Okay, now I know how to handle this if it happens again :) Mardi, I laughed so hard at what you say when you get bitten!
I don’t have this particular issue with my Mia, but I’m enjoying these posts Kate. I also feel I need to do a bit of work on finding my “zen”, so I’ll be keenly following along, and last week’s post about positive responses really resonated with me.
I hate biting. Toby went through a period of doing lots of biting (his brother) when he was around 2 or 3 years old, and it seemed to slow down for a while. In fact, it almost stopped. He is now 4.5 years old, and still biting his brother. Several times this year Nathan has gone to school with a big bite mark on his face, and then there are the bites on his back and chest and arms that can’t be seen. I honestly don’t know what to do about it. I’d say on average he bites once a week, though there could be a few of weeks with nothing and then 3 bites on one day. I know it’s because Nathan isn’t giving/doing what Toby wants him to do. But then I have two screaming kids come to me, one hopping around in pain and the other just screaming from being upset, and there’s just one of me, I’m never sure who to attend to first. Mind you, they both cling to me screaming out their own woes. Nathan is self-centred and has little (if any) empathy, and just doesn’t stop/do something when people ask him to, but that doesn’t mean Toby is allowed to bite to get what he wants. *sigh* I coped with it all a lot better when Toby was younger. Now I’m just over it and have no patience at all. Please tell me it will stop soon. :)
Sounds like Toby is reacting fairly normally to a brother who won’t listen, it’s just that instead of punching him he’s biting him. Biting probably has a ‘bigger’ effect all round – it hurts more so Nathan actually stops, and it gets the adults attention too.
I wish I had an easy fix for you… but I think it is going to take you trying to get in before the bite happens and helping both boys find other ways to work out the problem. Helping Toby find another way to get his brother to listen that works is going to be the clincher… In our house I am forever reminding my kids that if their brother or sister won’t listen, or whatever, and they have tried speaking nicely that the next thing to do is ‘ ASK FOR HELP!’ But that also means than when they do ask for help I need to stop what I am doing and actually go and help.
It’s not a magic fix but lots of reminders when things do descend into fist fights is slowly getting there… “What else could you do instead of punching/biting/screaming at your brother to get him to listen?”
I’d also have a chat with Toby calmly, without judgement and not when he has just biten his brother… but he is older now and might be able to tell you how he is feeling when he bites, what the triggers might be, or other information that might help you find the right way to make things better…. good luck
Thank you.
Our 13 month old bites and has done for a couple of months and it really hurts!! When your holding him and he gets excited (he kicks his legs and bounces) he turns his head around and latches into your shoulder or arm, he’s even left bruises through clothing. If you stop him and tell him no he does it again because it’s now a game!
Hi Tammy – our 2yr old (only just 2 last Fri) also bites in excitement, mainly me and both his nanny’s, I read someone above call them love bites which is so true, as it’s mostly when i’m cuddling him and he gets so excited and bites! Hopefully he’s going to grow out of it soon! x
This is really common… so don’t feel like you are doing something wrong etc.
This is just excitement overload, rather than him lashing out in anger. The way I have dealt with this in the past is to put my biter down and say to him ‘ouch! biting hurts, when you bite me it hurts’. I don’t yell at him, or get angry, I just tell him that it hurts and I break the moment by putting him down.
Most babies can’t take in an alternative to biting when they in that place, but you could try tell him that he can squeeze your hand or kiss your shoulder instead, but I think the best thing to do is break the cycle when it happens. They will definitely grow out of this.
I worked a pediatric clinic for a number of years and we often had kids come in that were biters. One of the first things we checked was their ears. Often toddlers put things in their ears and it can cause pain. The toddler isn’t able to tell you what the problem is.
My oldest was a biter. I say was because for the most part she has outgrown the tendency now that she is 27. However at the age of 15, she resorted to a bite when scuffling with her brother! You are correct that it is an emotional release. When she was 18mos is about when it started. I don’t recall when she stopped but I thought I might lose my mind before she did. A post like this would have been wonderful to read had we the capability of Internet then. My best cure was to hold her in my lap because it did happen to other children. I was mortified and had angry moms of the bitten children. My worst moment was the ‘bite them back’ cure. Umm, no, that makes one feel barbaric and doesn’t cure the problem.
I just wanted to say that I once bit my boyfriend (now husband) during a playfight and couldn’t explain afterwards why I did it, other than I am weakerphysicalky and technically (he’s a wrestler/grappler/bjj type). And also I just got carried away with wanting to win! It’s so true that adrenaline and taking advantage of the opponent’s lapses comes into play. He actually thinks I didn’t playfight enough as a child. :)
What would you do on the opposite situation when your child gets bitten by a random child we didn’t know when outside playing.
Mine was bitten by a child, and the mother was nowhere to be seen. I was in shock more than anything and told the child not to do it again, and of course she did as well as started kicking my child for absolutely no reason.
If possible I’d not play near that child. If that is not possible I would make sure you stay close so that you can step in before trouble happens. It sounds like the biting child is crying out for some time and attention from someone who loves them, or there may be other issues at play here that we just don’t know.
Thanks Kate helps me. My baby is 17 months old and tends to bite me alot. Im a solo Mum & Im finding he tends to bite me more than trying to bite others. I think its mainly when hes teething but he has done it when he seems to want my attention. Hes such a good natured boy & is otherwise well behaved
One of my twins bit the other ALL the time. A couple big nasty bites that broke the skin… Thankfully, he never bit any other kids. I think he felt powerless against his bigger, stronger brother. Biting was his ‘best’ defense. We borrowed the book “Teeth are not for biting” from the library, read it a few times and the result was AMAZING. The biting stopped almost instantly.
Ok. Call me crazy. There is something in Catsup that curbs the need to bite. Really. When my kids use to bite, hard. i would give them catsup and they would stop biting. Really. They did…:)
When my daughter was little I tried everything to get her to stop biting.eventually I got her a “biting buddy”a teething ring that looked like a bear.she would bite it instead of people as she got older we discovered biting was/is a sensory thing for her.she still has a chewy at age 12.